


Imma Tell You Everything (So tell me what you want to hear)

by Queerfeministdork



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar!Buck, Bisexual Eddie Diaz, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Rape/Non-con, Please read warning for each chapter, This is a potentially triggering fic, not graphic, pining eddie, smart buck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:14:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 71,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24495544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queerfeministdork/pseuds/Queerfeministdork
Summary: Buck never meant to keep so much of his past hidden, but somehow the 118 knew next to nothing about him. Now things were coming out (pun not intended), and it all felt too much too fast for his taste. He wished he could take it back and let things go back to the way they used to be.He was being forced to deal with the anger of the team for hiding so much, his sister insisting he call home for the first time in years, and finding out his best friend didn't even realize he was bi.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 230
Kudos: 506





	1. Wait you didn't know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!  
> This fic could be potentially triggering for many people, so please if you didn't read the tags I posted read this. In this there is a non graphic flashback to a sexual assault of a minor. Discussion of repeated sexual abuse. Mentions of physical abuse of a minor. Minor self harm. Mentions of bipolar disorder, and drinking.  
> I'll make sure to tag for each chapter, and if you think additional tags need to be added please let me know!  
> Other than that I really hope you enjoy. Title is from Secrets by OneRepublic

Evan Buckley had a secret, he had a lot of secrets actually despite the notion that he was an open book. Sure his team was right, he did wear his heart on his sleeve, and his emotions clear on his face. But he was smart, he had a masters degree after all. He knew how to keep things secret, how to hold his cards close to his chest. 

It was easy to let people think he was stupid. That way they were always surprised when he would start off on tangents full of facts, and information instead of talking about himself. It was simple to tack on the ‘self diagnosed’ title to sex addict, to pretend he hadn’t been in therapy for long enough to know every diagnosis he had by heart. 

He knew it was stupid to be ashamed of something like bipolar disorder, it was out of his control. But he had watched the disease ruin his mother’s life. Watched the way his sister would purse her lips and ask if she had taken her medication. Buck himself had dealt first hand with the repercussions of the men that she would let into their lives. So if he sorted his pills out into a weekly organizer and hid the bottles deep in his bedroom so no one could ever read the labels; never figure it out. Well that was his business. 

Of course, hiding everything about yourself for so long, it had repercussions. No matter how unintentional the secret keeping had started for him, it built into a giant web of secrecy. He quickly realized that so much of what people thought about him wasn’t true, and it felt like it was too late to correct them now. Plus he wasn’t sure where to start with bringing his past up, when he had tried so hard to keep it hidden.

“I’m just saying man, isn’t it a little bit weird that your parents never showed up when the firetruck thing happened?” Chim was asking as they sat around the table eating stir fry for lunch. 

Buck winced awkwardly, not sure where to start. “Well, I mean-” 

Chim continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “I know I’m not the poster child for healthy parent relationships by any means. But my dad did call to check in when the rebar incident happened.” He finished. 

It seemed Buck had his opening. “Well my dad is dead, so that would be pretty tricky.” He joked. 

No one laughed however. “No? But Maddie said…” Chim trailed off awkwardly. 

Buck rubbed the back of his neck. “We’re half siblings, did you guys not know that?” 

“I don’t think you guys ever mentioned that Buckaroo.” Hen told him helpfully. 

“Oh, well. We don’t count the half. She’s my sister yah know?” He told them with a smile. “In defense of my mother not calling, I’m not sure she even knew? We pretty much stopped talking when I left for college, I mean she went to my graduation. But I think that was the last time I saw her.” He shrugged. 

“Hold up.” Hen said. “You went to college? Where?” 

He frowned at how shocked she sounded by the information. He looked around the table, and it seemed her shock was matched by everyone but Eddie who just looked at him and shrugged helplessly. He was glad to know that his education didn’t come as a surprise to someone at least. “I went to Dartmouth.” They continued to stare at him. “Uh, it’s in New Hamp-” 

“Yeah, we know what Dartmouth is Buck. How the hell did you-” Chim started. It was clear to Buck he was going to ask how he got in. But he changed course quickly. “How did we never know this?” 

“I’m not sure man. What did you guys think I did?” He asked, he paused for an answer and it felt like the silence dragged on. 

He winced, as Bobby finally spoke. “I think what Chim is trying to express is that he was surprised because you never mention it. You’ve worked with us for a few years now and it’s never come up.” He said gently. “What was your major?” He asked. 

“I graduated summa cum laude with a masters degree in biology, with a psychology minor.” He said with a smile, he was proud of himself and the grades he pulled in college. Sure it was with the help of some study drugs, but in his defense they were prescribed by his psychiatrist. 

“I’m sorry but can we get back to the fact that you and Maddie are half siblings?” Chim questioned, throwing his hands up in the air. 

Buck tried to tamp down the disappointment he felt flaring up. Of course Maddie was overshining his achievements. “Sure thing, but I’m not really sure it’s a big deal? Lots of people treat their half siblings as full siblings.” He said slowly. 

“But she said that her mom is married to her dad.” Chim told him. 

Buck felt his eye twitch, as his fist tightened around the fork. Eddie put a hand on his knee, and shot him a questioning look. He smiled at his best friend quickly, trying to convey that he was okay before turning to answer Chim. “Yeah, her parents got back together when I was about eight? They broke up again when I was ten. But then they tied the knot when I was like fifteen or so.” 

“ _ Her parents?”  _ Hen asked him with an odd look. “Isn’t she your mom?” 

Buck forced what he hoped was normal laughter. “Yeah, don’t know why I worded it like that. Any other questions?” He bit out. 

It must have sounded too harsh because Chim was holding up his hands in surrender and Bobby was putting a hand on his arm. “No kid, no one meant for this to turn into an interrogation. Guess we know less about you than we realized. I’m sorry to hear about your dad.” 

Buck rolled his eyes at the familiar condolences before realizing that it wasn’t the proper reaction. “Don’t be, he was a bitter drunk who hit his girlfriend and his kids.” 

“ _ Kids _ ?” Chim paled clearly thinking of Maddie. 

Buck felt yet another pang of anger at the focus on just his sister with this whole conversation. “His  _ actual  _ kids. Maddie isn’t my only half sibling. She’s just the only one I really talk to since we were raised together.” Last he saw his dad’s other kids was at the guys funeral. They had all exchanged numbers, there was a group chat deep somewhere in the archives of his messages that they texted every year on the anniversary of his death to check in. 

“Buck are you okay?” Eddie asked him quietly. 

“I’m fine, why?” He replied, going for casual.

“You’re gripping that fork pretty tight man.” Eddie gestured to where Buck’s knuckles had turned white around the fork he was holding. It was the other hand that worried him, because when he released his grip he saw the bloody crescents where his fingernails had dug through his palms. 

“If you’ll excuse me.” He muttered, sliding out of his chair and stalking off to the bathroom. 

He was running his hand under the water, it was turned up too hot. He could see the steam running, but it felt good, the burn getting him out of his head. It brought him back into the present which is where he needed to be for work. Not lost in his own head thinking about his shitty childhood, a vacant mother, and a stepfather he had worked so hard to forget about. 

He didn’t realize Eddie had crept in behind him, until he heard the soft gasp as the other man caught sight of the pink tinged water. “Buck,” he whispered. 

“It’s fine.” Buck replied, he turned the water to cold, hoping that Eddie hadn’t seen how red his hand was turning. The shock in temperature felt harsh in a bad way. 

“That doesn’t look fine. Is this because of that stuff you were saying about your dad?” He prodded. 

Buck shrugged. “No.” Eddie didn’t look convinced. “Honestly, I don’t really care about my dad. He was a shitty person who did shitty things and he drowned in his own vomit when I was 18.” 

Eddie frowned at him. He should have put more inflection in his voice he realized. Normal people were affected by the death of a parent. Normal people cared when bad things had happened. Maybe he needed to go back to his therapist, his lithium was probably making him flat again. 

“Well then what was it? What he said about you and Maddie? The college thing?” He guessed. 

Buck shook his head. “It was nothing man. I got stressed talking about all of it. I didn’t realize how little you all knew about me I guess. Next you’re going to tell me you didn’t know I was bi.” He joked.

“What?” Eddie’s face fell.

“Oh.” Was all Buck could say in reply. They were awkwardly left staring at each other. The water was still running over his hand he noted, he turned away busying himself in finishing cleaning up his hand. 

“I mean, no I didn’t know that. I don’t know what they all knew, but I’m fine with it obviously.” Eddie said quickly, as Buck wrapped a paper towel around his palm. 

“Are you?” He accused, hearing how Eddie was scrambling for words. 

“I mean it would be pretty hypocritical of me not to be, so yeah I am.” Eddie gave him a significant look and Buck could feel the way the mood shifted between them. The look Eddie was giving him was daring. 

“So I just took you by surprise then?” He asked. 

“Exactly.” 

Buck’s eyes flashed down, darting across Eddie’s face before coming to rest on his lips. He didn’t have a chance to do anything about it as the alarm rang. 

“Off we go I guess.” He muttered, kicking into gear to get onto the truck. 

+++ 

That night he shook his meds into his palm and stared at them for a moment before tossing them into his mouth and swallowing. His college therapist’s words weighed heavily on his mind. ‘ _ You are not your disorder Evan, but you do have a disorder and that’s okay. You need to forgive yourself for that and realize that some of your personality is going to be affected by this. You don’t have to let it control it though. That’s why you take your medication, so you can manage. You’ve talked about wanting to make a life for yourself, to not turn out like your mother. This is how you do that. How you manage.’  _

Anytime he ever thought of not taking his meds that conversation rang through his mind, almost as often as memories of his mother passed out on the couch empty vodka bottle next to her did. Or the memory of random men walking past him as Maddie prepped their breakfast, slipping out of the house without a word. Those memories didn’t occur as frequently, but they were there. 

And he turned out just like her in that sense. Let the hyperarousal take over at times. He did it to a worse level, he let himself use sex to fill a void in his life, he tried to use it to fix himself. As if sex was his own personal brand of medication, and if he did he enough he thought it would maybe erase the memories he was trying so hard to not hold onto. 

His phone chimed with a text message then. 

**Maddie: Chim says you broke his brain, what the hell did you tell him?**

He rolled his eyes and refused to grace that with a response. Instead he walked to his kitchen and pulled out the bottle of vodka and the orange juice out of his fridge, figuring there wasn’t anything a classic screwdriver couldn’t fix. 

In the back of his mind there was something that reminded him that screwdrivers were  _ his  _ drink of choice. He tamped it down, trying not to ruin the drink with thoughts of his step father.  _ He  _ wasn’t someone Buck thought of often anymore, of course Chim had to ruin that for him. His phone chimed again. 

**Maddie: Oh Evan… you know that you’re my brother. Half doesn’t mean shit.**

**Maddie: Mom called the other day by the way, she wanted to know how you were doing. She says that she and dad miss you.**

Buck felt bile rising up in his throat, as well as the regret he always faced at never having told his sister. He ignored the orange juice and raised the bottle of vodka to his lips instead. Drinking it straight chased away some of the thoughts in his mind as he focused on the burn going down his throat. His phone dinged one last time. 

**Maddie: You really should call her. She’s been good on her meds for a while now. I know you know what that’s like. Give her a chance Ev.**

He laughed as he read the message, he brought the bottle back up to his lips shaking his head. It wasn’t like he wanted to lose contact with his mother, he wasn’t really sure when it had happened really. The distance started when his dad died, he left the house for college. He never wanted to turn back, got a job out there and a crappy apartment. When he had seen her at his graduation she looked good, looked happy. But the second she brought up her husband it branched out into a fight, he told her he was going down to South America for a summer before looking for work. He wanted to travel a bit. That was the last time they had spoken. 

He never meant for it to happen. God, he gave Maddie shit for ghosting him for three years, but he did the same thing with their mother. He really was a wreck. He swallowed down more of the vodka trying to ignore his thoughts. The burn didn’t work quite as well as it did the first time, so he did it again. And then again. 

He finally stopped looking down realizing he had quickly forced himself through about half of the bottle. He laughed at himself. “Just like mom.” He said aloud to no one. 

Groaning he stood up cleaning up his living room, before he went to his bedroom pulling out the things he needed for a shower. As he pulled out his boxers he felt his anti anxiety medication rattle out. He shrugged, popping one into his mouth figuring it couldn’t hurt at hopefully easing him into forgetting the memories that were threatening to fight their way to the surface. He opened his phone to play his shower playlist when he was faced with the messages from his sister once more. 

**To Maddie: heel yea fuck halfs !!! ily**

**To Maddie: ur dad dsnt miss me lol at least I rlly hope not I hate him he shuld hate me 2**

**To Maddie: we hvmt talked in yrs Mads. She can stop pretnding to care now**

With that he nodded to himself and stumbled off to the bathroom to shower off the events of the day. It seemed that it was a success because he was able to ignore the thoughts he didn’t want to entertain as the hot spray ran down his body. He didn’t get out until the water began to run cold, and once he did he toweled off, putting on his boxers and sweatpants forgoing a shirt. He walked down the loft steps where he saw the bottle of vodka sitting on the corner of the table, he shrugged and took another gulp before moving to put the cap on. 

“You really think that’s a good idea?” A voice asked from behind him. 

Buck swallowed quickly, before coughing and clutching his heart. He turned to come face to face with Eddie who was frowning at him. “What’re you doing here?” Buck mumbled confused. 

“I don’t know, you tell me?” Eddie replied, snatching the bottle from him and putting it back in his liquor cabinet. 

Buck frowned. “I don’t know what that means.” 

“I got a text from a very distressed Maddie talking about how you were probably very drunk, and making some very stupid decisions. I checked your location on my phone.” He said, Buck sighed forgetting they had location sharing on ever since the tsunami. “Said you were home and not at some bar. You said you were fine at work, but then you turned around and drank nearly an entire bottle of vodka alone, so sorry if I don’t quite believe you.” Eddie sounded like he was trying not to be angry. 

Buck couldn’t help but laugh at the situation. “What was Maddie mad about?” He laughed again. “Huh, Maddie, Mad, Mad-ie” 

Eddie stared at him, frown etched deep in his expression. “Buck,” he said. 

“Did she tell you I said her dad hates me?” He questioned. He continued without giving Eddie time to reply. “Because he does. Or at least I wish he did, I’m not really sure to call what he did to me. But I like to think he hates me now. Makes it easier to take.” He rambled. 

“Talk to me, tell me about it.” Eddie said. 

Buck almost wanted to. The drunk, and medicated part of him wanted to scream that it was okay to let go. But the other part of him, the part that had the box where it was all locked up duct taped and locked up tight, said no. “I’m a drama queen, that’s what Maddie would say,” was what he said instead. 

“I’m sure you have your reasons man. I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk about it.” Eddie smiled. “Now come on, let’s get you to bed, you’re gonna have a nasty hangover in the morning.” 

Buck shook his head. “Nope, I want to enjoy this drunk for as long as it lasts. Plus the ativan, I don’t care if it knocks me out on the couch.” Eddie wavered by his side, like he wanted to push Buck into his bed despite his words. “You can go home Eddie. Tell Maddie you checked on me. All good things to report back, I took my meds, then I decided to get drunk to deal with the fact that I have a broken family.” He smiled. 

“Meds?” Eddie asked. 

“Yup.” He replied, refusing to elaborate. Eddie had already learned too much that day, he didn’t get this too. 

“I’ll stay. Keep you company. Now, let’s get you a glass of water. Do you want to watch a movie?” He asked. 

Buck shook his head. He honestly just wanted to listen to music and sit in his bed. “We can do that too.” Eddie said. 

Buck raised an eyebrow, before realizing he spoke his thoughts aloud. “Great.” He replied. He followed Eddie around the kitchen swallowing down the glass of water to appease the other man, before they got to his bedroom. Leaning against his headboard Eddie pulled up a playlist on his phone. 

They had gotten through maybe five songs when it went to shit. Buck had been quietly filling Eddie in on his college experience, answering the questions the other man had for him. Accepting the praise, happy that it seemed someone was proud of him for achieving something so difficult. He wouldn’t have even heard the song start playing if they weren’t leaning into each other talking in a quiet tone, like they were in their own bubble.

However he wasn’t lucky and he did hear the song. Although he wasn’t sure hearing was the proper term, because it started out as hearing the beginning notes of Everlong by The Foo Fighters when there was all of a sudden a muffled sound over his ears. He could hear the blood rushing past them, but nothing else. His mouth was frozen mid sentence, unable to process anything except the flood of memories rushing through his body. 

The sickly scent of tobacco, and oranges that always came with the man. The rough feeling of hands on his body. The sounds, those were absent luckily, all he could hear was the blood rushing and a high pitched ringing. Faintly he could hear someone saying his name as well. 

That part was strange, normally was was lucky in the flashbacks, the memories. He didn’t have to replay hearing them. The crying on his part, the moans, and threats coming from  _ him.  _ It was enough to have him blink roughly. His eyes met with Eddie’s. He could faintly feel a warm hand on his face, thumb running across his cheek, and his name being said over and over again. 

He blinked once more, than twice. The song was no longer playing, he noted in the back of his mind. It had moved onto something entirely different. “Evan, can you hear me?” Eddie asked. 

Buck nodded slightly. The look of relief on Eddie’s face almost hurt to watch. He felt bad for dragging the other man into his drama. When he opened his mouth to apologize however he felt like vomiting. It seemed that Eddie could sense this. 

“Are you okay if I go get you some water?” He asked, Buck nodded. “Okay, I’ll be right back.” 

Eddie slipped out of the bed and down the stairs quickly. He was back moments later with two cups. “I brought you some water, and also some juice. I figured the calories might do you good.” He told him with a smile. 

Buck meant to say thank you. But the moment the cup with juice was near him the nausea was overwhelming.  _ Tobacco and oranges.  _ He stood up rushing past Eddie barely making it to the toilet in time to vomit out everything he had in his stomach. Once that was all out he dry heaved some more. 

Eddie was there behind him rubbing his back gently. “You’re okay.” Was all he said, softly, over and over again. Until Buck finally lifted his head out of the toilet. 

“I’m sorry.” He croaked out. 

“It’s okay, you’re okay.” Eddie frowned. “I- was that a flashback? I’ve seen a lot of guys with them, I’ve had them. I just- I didn’t realize you had PTSD.” Eddie said quietly.

Buck laughed slightly. It sounded more like a whine of distress than anything. “Caught onto that huh?” 

“What- what triggered it?” He asked. Then he frowned at himself. “I mean, if you’re comfortable sharing so I can avoid it in the future.” 

Buck shrugged. He figured the sobering up the flashback had done for him, mixed with the vomiting, should have made him more reluctant to share, but he wasn’t. “The first time? The song.” 

Eddie’s face pinched slightly, like he was trying to recall which song was playing at the time Buck started to panic. “Everlong, but honestly it’s anything by the Foo Fighters. I learned that one the hard way.” He laughed, but Eddie didn’t. 

“The first time?” 

“I mean the vomiting wasn’t exactly a flashback, but it was a secondary reaction. It was from the orange juice.” He explained. 

“But you keep it in your fridge?” Eddie questioned. 

_ Tobacco and oranges. Making screwdriver’s and sipping the excess off the top. Stealing vodka straight from the bottle before he passed them off because getting drunk got  _ **_him_ ** _ in the mood.  _

“It normally doesn’t bother me.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“It won’t do anything.” 

“Didn’t you minor in psychology? Shouldn’t you know that talking about a trauma can help you process it?” Eddie asked. 

“What makes you so sure it was traumatic?” Buck asked, before nearly face palming at how stupid of a question that was. 

“It’s called post  _ traumatic  _ stress for a reason Buck. We don’t have to talk about it, I just wanted you to know the offer was there.” He put a hand on Buck’s knee. 

He would blame the easy contact between them and the lingering alcohol in his system later for why he blurted it out like he did. “I was raped.” 

“Oh.” Eddie said. “I’m really sorry, that shouldn’t have happened.” 

“Yeah, it shouldn’t have. Well I mean, I was raped by a therapist once. But that’s not what this was about. I was molested as a kid.”  _ As a kid, as a teen. For too long.  _

“Oh Buck.” 

He wasn’t sure why he continued but it was slipping out of him now. “He took me to see the foo fighters in concert, it was a bribe, so I wouldn’t tell my mom. Plus he wanted to seem like a good dad, make it look like he didn’t favor Maddie just because she was his. Make it seem like we were equal.” 

Eddie’s face did something Buck couldn’t read at that but he kept going. “He smoked, like all the time. It was a bad habit, his truck always smelled like tobacco because he wasn’t allowed to do it in the house.”  _ It lingered in Buck’s clothes, the kids at school made fun of him when he got out of the car because everything smelled like smoke.  _ “And oranges, I don’t know why, but it was always oranges. Orange juice in the mornings. Screwdrivers as night. Orange gum because he didn’t like the taste of mint.” 

Buck feels bile rising up in his throat again. “He used to peel clementines for us and put them on plates.” He blinks and there are tears he didn’t know had been forming. “Maddie always put up a fuss about how she was old enough to peel an orange, but you could tell she loved it. Could tell that it meant a lot to her.” He laughed. “I wonder what she would say if she knew her favorite childhood memory haunts me.” 

“She doesn’t know?” Eddie asked. 

Buck shook his head. “You my dear friend. Are the first person I have told outside a therapist's office.” 

“But why? I mean, I’m sure she’d want to know. That she would want to be there for you.” Eddie stressed. Buck shook his head again. 

“No.” 

“Buck,” 

“No, I didn’t want to rip their family apart. I told my mom he made me uncomfortable when I was ten. It was why they broke up for that period of time. But then he started spending nights at the house again, they got back together. I realized then it didn’t matter. I get it, I have the same issues. The difference between the two of us is I actually manage my shit.” Buck chuckled darkly. 

“It’s your family too,” Eddie said softly. 

“No, it’s really not.” He shrugged. “You, and Chris. You’re my family. The 118, they’re my family. Maddie, she’s family. But those people I left behind in Hershey? They aren’t family. Haven’t been in a long time.” It was why he dug his heels in, tried to hold onto them as tight as he could. Refuse to let go, but even still he knew he didn’t mean as much to all of them as they did to him. Because they all had their own families to get back to in the end. Even Maddie, whether she knew it or not. 

But him? He was alone. He had been alone since he left for college and got the call that his dad had died. No matter how shitty of a person the man had been, he was  _ Buck’s.  _ He got to have him without Maddie having him as well. It was stupid, and petty to be upset about having to share with his sister, but hey- what are siblings for? He never even liked his father, but when he died, and Buck realized that he and his mom weren’t talking anymore, that he refused to look his step father in the eyes, and Maddie had Doug. He almost killed himself that night. 

“You’re right, we are your family.” Eddie told him quietly, and Buck had honestly forgotten for a moment what he had even said. “But I don’t think it’s fair to you to have to give up your family just so Maddie get’s one too.” 

And  _ fuck.  _ That was all he ever wanted right? Someone to acknowledge that he was deserving of love, of family as well, right? He didn’t realize that he had started crying until Eddie was leaning in and wiping the tears off of his face with the pads of his thumb. 

“I’m sorry.” Buck whispered. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Eddie whispered back. 

It was all too soft, the way Eddie was cradling his face, staring at him. Being gentle with him as if he was going to break if he pushed too hard. If Buck hadn’t just vomited in front of the man he would have been pushing into his space, trying to kiss him. Trying to prove that he could be something for him. Just like he always did when he broke in front of people. 

Or-or maybe he wouldn’t, he reasoned. Maybe part of him knew that what he had with Eddie was too special to break just because he was a sex addicted fuck up. Which is why he was pushing himself up off of the floor and extending a hand to his best friend to help him up as well. He leaned over the sink grabbing the mouthwash, clearing out his mouth, while Eddie just stared on in silence. 

He spit, finally breaking the silence. “Well, I’m sorry anyways. You, you didn’t need all of that put on you. It wasn’t fair to you.” One look at Eddie, said that the other man was going to fight him on it, so he continued. “Where is Christopher tonight? Do you have to be getting home to him?” 

Eddie shook his head with a smile. “Nah, Abuela wanted him for a sleepover tonight. Which you would have known if you didn’t run off the shift like a bat out of hell when I asked if you were okay. I was trying to ask if you wanted to come over for beers.” 

He didn’t even sound mad at him, just fond. Buck suddenly didn’t know what to do with himself. “Oh, well.” Was it presumptuous to ask him to stay? 

“Yup. Looks like you’re stuck with me tonight. And then tomorrow if you want, we can take him to get pancakes? He’s been talking about missing his Buck.” 

“You know I’d never say no to time with the little guy.” He said, because that was easier than saying anything about the fact that Eddie was staying. 

Had they always stood this close together? Had it ever mattered before? “Oh believe me  _ I know. _ ” Eddie replied, and Buck blinked. Because, what was that tone? He must have been staring blankly for a while, because Eddie just chuckled clapping him on the back. “Did you want to try and sleep now?” 

“Uh-” did he? Normally after he had flashbacks the night would be filled with nightmares, and he was no longer drunk enough to deal with that. He was regretting taking his ativan earlier, but honestly he had double dosed himself before. It wouldn’t matter much, the only thing that mattered was that he couldn’t do it in front of Eddie. Not just for the fact that he didn’t need the other man seeing his dirty secrets aired. But he vaguely recalled telling the man he had already taken one. 

“We don’t have to.” He told him softly.

“We?” Eddie furrowed a brow, and Buck nearly face palmed.  _ Way to go stupid.  _ “You don’t have to take care of me I mean.” He tried again. 

“Well maybe I want to.” Eddie challenged. 

“You know you’re making it really hard to not thank you the way I normally thank people.” Buck blurted out. Then he winced. 

“And how is that?” 

He could lie, he knew that. Well he could try, he was still slightly inebriated and Eddie always had a way of seeing right through him. “I’m a sex addict, how do you think I normally thank people?” 

Eddie flushed. “Self diagnosed.” 

“You sound like Cap when you say that. It’s not a self diagnosis, it’s an actual one.” 

“But-” Eddie frowned. 

“Forget it man.” Of course he went and fucked it up. 

Eddie put a hand on his arm, sliding it down until it was on his wrist. Resting over his pulse point. “Maybe I don’t want to,” he whispered. Buck could work with that, he moved to lean into Eddie’s space when his other hand pushed gently onto his chest. The first still held his wrist lightly. “But,” he swallowed. Eyes tracking down Buck’s lips and down his chest to where his hand was resting. 

“But?” Buck prompted. 

Hazel eyes snapped back up to meet his own. “But if you’re going to be doing that, I’d rather it be because you actually wanted to. Not because you think you owe me for something.” Buck leaned back, and that-that was new. “Because you don’t owe me. I’m always going to be here for you, and that isn’t something you need to repay me for.” 

“But this is something you want?” He prompted, eyes flickering over Eddie’s face. Waiting for it to close off, waiting for him to deny it. 

Instead he shrugged, a small smile gracing his lips. “Not when you’re like this.” 

“I can do that.” Buck promised. 

A look Buck didn’t quite understand flickered in Eddie’s eyes. “You don’t- you don’t have to.” Buck opened his mouth to respond that he  _ wanted to.  _ But Eddie was speaking again. “Listen, we can talk about this for real when you’re sober. But I don’t want-” he cut himself off. 

If Buck didn’t know any better he would have that he was going to say he didn’t want to get his hopes up. But he did know better, he knew that he wasn’t someone that people  _ hoped  _ for. So he smiled at him and shrugged. “Sure thing man.” Despite being unsure before, he was now comfortable enough to admit he was starting to run on fumes. “Bed?” He asked. 

Eddie nodded. “Of course, do you have-” 

“Sweatpants are in the middle drawer.” He answered. 

He expected Eddie to pull off of him then, but instead his hand was sliding into Buck’s pulling them both up the stairs. It was a warm steady weight, and it made his stomach flip. Once they reached the top of the stairs Eddie squeezed once before letting go to root around the drawers. He procured a pair of sweats before turning to move down the stairs again. “I’ll be right back,'' he promised.

Buck nodded at him, moving as if he were going to get in bed, before changing course at the last second. Reaching into the back of his underwear drawer, he pulled the bottle of ativan out, shaking another one into his hand swallowing it dry. He shoved it back in the drawer as deep as it went, moving quickly to lie in bed, leaving enough room for Eddie. 

Once he did return, he slid into the bed like he had always had a space there. It was... comfortable. But it wasn’t enough, Buck wasn’t about to ask anymore of the guy though. So he just shifted his body trying to get comfortable. 

Eddie broke the silence. “Can I touch you?” He asked. 

Buck looked at him wide eyed, before nodding slowly. Eddie shifted closer, turning Buck so that he could plaster himself against his back. His arm was a steady weight across Buck’s waist. He didn’t think twice about moving his hand to lace their fingers together, before he had time to be embarrassed about it Eddie laughed lightly. “Go to sleep.” Was all he said, and well. Buck listened. 

+++ 

Eddie wasn’t stupid enough to think that the night was going to be easy, flashback’s had lingering consequences. He figured it was only normal that Buck was going to end up having a nightmare in the middle of the night, which didn’t explain why he was the one who couldn’t sleep. Or maybe it did, he honestly wasn’t sure. So the hours passed by and he just stared at the ceiling thinking. 

He had known, in the bathroom watching the water run pink at the bloody palm that Buck wasn’t  _ okay.  _ No matter what he had said. No matter what had almost went down, or what he was imagining might have gone down before that call. Because he had gotten so stuck on the possibilities at learning that Buck wasn’t straight, that he had a chance. That he reacted poorly. 

But then the shift was over and Eddie was asking if he was okay, and trying to invite him over, and Buck? Buck was running like it was his job. So maybe he was hurt, maybe it had stung. He had wanted to wallow, right until Maddie was texting him begging him to check on her brother because he was ‘being a fucking asshole’ followed by ‘please just make sure he doesn’t hurt himself.’ It was by far the most confusing conversation he had ever had with her. 

So he came over, and despite Buck being drunk as a skunk, it had been good. He seemed so content to just sit in a soft little bubble with him and talk about himself. Be proud of himself in a way Eddie rarely got to see right up until that song came on. 

He knew what flashbacks looked like, experienced them first and second hand. But for some reason Buck having a flashback was the scariest moment of his life. It took nearly ten minutes for Eddie to break through to him, and then he was vomiting out everything and then some. 

He didn’t know it was possible to hate someone you had never met so much until Buck started telling him about his step father. He knew he had anger issues, but god he wanted to  _ kill  _ that man. Buck had just seemed so resigned to it all, the idea that it happened, and it was his to bear alone. Eddie hated Maddie just a little bit too, for making Buck think that she had more of a right to their mother than he did. 

He knew he didn’t know the full story, and quite frankly he was almost too afraid to ask, too afraid of what he would do with the information. But just knowing how undeserving of well  _ everything  _ Buck felt made him see red. And then the guy was off and propositioning Eddie as if Eddie hadn’t spent the past year telling himself that Buck was straight. That he didn’t want this, and even if he did it was probably a bad idea. They had the Chris of it all to consider, plus work, and Eddie was fucked up beyond imagination in a lot of ways. He never wanted to put that on Buck. 

It was probably too much to reveal just how much he wanted it, but Buck wasn’t sober and with luck he wouldn’t remember it in the morning. Or if he did, he wouldn’t make a deal of Eddie’s feelings. He was a good person, and his best friend. He wouldn’t be an asshole about something like that. 

Buck’s hand tightened around his, his arm jerking forward. “No,” he mumbled. Eddie sat up on high alert. “No, please, no.” He mumbled again, face scrunched up tightly in pain. His nails were digging into Eddie’s hand. 

“Buck,” he said gently. He knew not to yell, not to be too jarring. It wouldn’t help anyone but himself. 

“I don’t wanna,” Buck cried. 

Eddie could see tears in the corner of his eyes. “Buck, come on man. Wake up.” He extracted his hand from Buck’s moving to sit in front of him. 

“Stop, it hurts.” He begged. 

“Evan, come on cariño wake up.” He said a little louder, stroking Buck’s face gently. 

Buck’s body tensed once more before his eyes opened slightly. He looked confused at their change in positions. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.” He said quietly. 

Eddie shook his head. “I wasn’t asleep, besides I don’t care about that. I care about if you’re okay or not.” He tried to express with his face that it was meant to be a question as well as a statement. Buck seemed to get it luckily. 

“Nightmares happen.” He mumbled. There were still tears in his eyes, and if Eddie focused, he could tell Buck was starting to blush slightly at the attention. 

“Yeah, they do. Do you want to talk about it?” He offered. Buck shrugged. “It sounded pretty intense.” 

That seemed to get Buck’s attention, his eyes were quickly snapping to meet Eddie’s, and he sat up. “Sounded? Did I say anything?” His tone was demanding, and panicked. 

He put his hands on Buck’s knees trying to soothe him. He realized how odd their position was in the back of his mind, he was kneeling between Buck’s open legs, but he pushed that out of his mind. Along with the thoughts on how it could be made better. “You did,” 

“What did I say?” He was frantic. “It was nothing.” 

“Buck.” Eddie said. “Evan,” Buck let out a breath, seeming to deflate slightly. “After everything you told me today I’m pretty sure I can piece together what you were dreaming about.” He hedged. 

Buck laughed, which was concerning. But then he spoke. “I had a nightmare about it once while Ali was over. She freaked out, started telling me I needed therapy. Jokes on her, I'm in therapy.” He sighed. “I’m just, I’m not used to people knowing. I didn’t mean to freak out on you.” He said softly, he moved a hand to the side of Eddie’s face. “Thank you.” 

“Of course man. I’m here for you. The offer to talk about it still stands.” He said. 

Buck shrugged before grabbing the hands that were on his knees dragging Eddie up and back into the bed. He went willingly, but didn’t lay back down. Buck didn’t either, they both instead sat against the headboard. 

“I was too young to understand what was happening really at first.” He said, and  _ oh  _ they were  _ talking  _ about it. “I was only 8, Maddie was 16.” He laughed, but it sounded broken. Eddie took his hand again. “I begged him to stop, he didn’t. That was the only time I ever made that mistake. It was easier to just be silent. To just cry it out, he wasn’t going to listen anyways.” 

“Buck,” Eddie interrupted, but he kept going. 

“Maddie was so fucking happy her dad was around yah know? And he was clearly so much better than mine, she always talked about how he was good for mom. Helped her stay on her meds, stay stable. Even at 8 I knew I’d be a dick to mess that up, and they both made sure I knew that.” He said darkly.

“I’m sure if she knew,” he attempted again.

“Sure. But she doesn’t and she won’t. There’s a reason for that Eddie, and I love my sister but she is a big part of it.” Buck sounded bitter, and Eddie knew he had a right, but the tone felt wrong coming from someone as bright as his best friend. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be. I did try.” He muttered. “I was 10, Maddie moved out of the house to go to college. He was there all the time, I was  _ alone with him  _ all the time. So I told my mom he made me uncomfortable, that without Maddie around there was something different about him.” He paused, seeming to be weighing something before continuing. “My mom had a lot of issues, it’s where I get it from.” He joked. “But she had brought enough strange men in and out of our lives enough, my dad included, to trust my judgement.” 

“What happened?” 

“She got bad again.” Eddie was about to ask what exactly she had when Buck answered it for him. “Bipolar disorder.” He shrugged. “It’s not the worst condition in the world, could have been a hell of a lot worse.” He sounded too experienced with it. “But she never managed it correctly. Said her meds made her too flat.” He scoffed at that. “Like being fucking flat was somehow worse than being functioning enough to raise her fucking children.” 

He stood, so Eddie moved to follow him. “So Maddie, ever the dutiful daughter, texts her  _ dear father,  _ asks him to check in.” Buck was trembling then. “My mom was so fucking happy, I couldn’t be the bad child and ruin that for her.” He stopped. “He knew it too, so what does he do? Decided to be the best dad he can be, show my mom that he had no idea what I meant.” 

“Evan,” Eddie mumbled, it was clear he heard him but he just kept going. 

“Took me to  _ concerts.  _ I fucking loved the foo fighters. And now? I’m so fucking broken I can’t even listen to their songs without having a flashback. They got married when I was 15.” He shrugged. “It stopped for a while, they seemed to be happy. Then it started up again, so I started sleeping at my dad’s house. Bad decision, because god that man could throw a punch. But I mean, getting smacked around was better than  _ that.  _ Anything was better than that.” 

Eddie had been right, he didn’t know what to do with all of the information. Because he wanted to kill everyone who had ever touched Buck, and one of them was already dead. It seemed that Buck finally sensed this because he deflated. 

“Fuck, man I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to throw that on you, I keep throwing it on you.” 

“No, you don’t have to apologize. I asked. I want to know these things, and I want to be here for you.” Eddie stressed. He wanted to be there for everything Buck would give him. 

Buck nodded. He seemed to be weighing something in his head again, and then he was surging forward. He wasn’t prepared for the weight of Buck’s lips on his own, but his mind accepted it quickly. Kissing him back, because  _ god he wanted this for so long.  _

But then, he was pushing him off. Because he did want him, just-not like this. Buck pulled himself back, and kept going until he was nearly halfway across the room. “Oh my god I am so sorry.” 

“No-” Eddie started. 

But Buck had a panicked look on his face, his body language looked ready to run. Even in the mostly dark room. “No, you didn’t want that. I shouldn’t have kept pushing, you already said earlier not to. But I thought because I was sober, and-” he cut himself off as Eddie walked across the room to him. 

Eddie had his face in his hands. He honestly wasn’t sure where he was going with it, he had been too afraid to ask for anything more for so long. And with everything that had happened tonight he definitely didn’t want to put that on Buck, but he also couldn’t let the guy beat himself up over the kiss. Because he was right, Eddie  _ did  _ want that to happen. 

“Stop.” He said gently. Buck took in a breath, putting his hands over Eddie’s like he wasn’t sure if he should be taking them off or not. “I-” god why was it so hard to say? “I want that.” 

“But-” 

“But, I like you. Like actually like you, and I don’t want it to mess up our friendship. I think what would mess up our friendship more is you sleeping with me because you have misguided feelings about me.” 

“Who says they’re misguided?” Buck challenged. Then he backed down. “You’re right, I wasn’t considering your side in this situation. Most of- most of the people in these situations, who get to see the bad sides of me, are either therapists or people who got to see it by accident and I didn’t want them to see it. So I tried to show them that there was something else, that I could be worth something. I had a lot of sex, most of it for the wrong reasons. I shouldn’t have tried that with you. Because you are worth so much more than that.” He smiled, swiping a thumb across Eddie’s hand. 

His heart was flip flopping, which was stupid because he knew Buck meant that because they were friends. Then the anger was back at the idea that people saw him hurting and just allowed him to seduce them. “Those were shitty people then.” He said. 

Buck shrugged. “Eh, I was a pretty shitty person back then too.” Then he smiled. “So you like me?” 

Eddie groaned. “We aren’t going to make this awkward are we?” 

“Not if you take me on a date.” He replied, smirking. 

“Confident are we?” Eddie teased back. 

“I’d argue I’ve got a decent reason to be. Are you saying yes or not?”

“I’m saying yes.” As if he’d ever say no to that. 

“Good. Now we go back to sleep, because you look exhausted.” Buck grabbed his hand dragging him back into the bed, wrapping his arm around him and settling in. As if the whole situation was simple, and Eddie hoped that with Buck, despite everything that had happened that night it could be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I hope you all enjoyed this! Let me know what you think in the comments! Also, I know everyone has a different experience with Bipolar Disorder, but I personally have Bipolar 1 so the things I say about it come from personal experience. As well as experiences I have had with the many people I know with it. Bipolar disorder will be featured heavily in this fic! Love you all so much, and take care of yourselves!  
> National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673  
> National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233  
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Or as always in case of any emergency call 9-1-1.


	2. Why do you need me to call mom?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck reflects on his relationship with his mother, fights with his sister. And oh my god can the Buzzing STOP? Eddie is a protective best friend (boyfriend?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!  
> Just like last chapter this fic can be potentially triggering for some. TW for this chapter: talks of parental neglect, mentions of physical and sexual abuse of a minor. Talk of bipolar disorder, depiction of hypo-mania, brief mention of attempted suicide, depiction of disassociation.  
> Thank you all so much for your comments, and support last chapter!

Prying his eyes open felt like a chore, but Buck supposed that was what he got for downing a bottle and minorly abusing his medication. There was still a hot weight pressed against his back, and a heavy arm resting over his side. Eddie was still there then, he attempted to move as gently as he could getting out of the bed so as to not disturb him. He knew he hadn’t gotten enough sleep last night dealing with Buck’s shit and he was grateful for him. 

What he wasn’t as grateful for was how much he had let just pour out of him. He trusted Eddie with his life daily at work, but trusting him with this, trusting  _ anyone  _ with all of this. It had never gone well for Buck in the past, and now he had to trust that his drunk, and overly emotional self had made the right decision. He wanted to bash his head off a wall at how stupid he felt for kissing Eddie. He didn’t even realize how much Eddie had liked him, and it wasn’t that he didn’t like him back, but the circumstances surrounding it all, well they were less than ideal. 

But now they had a date, maybe? Would Eddie even remember that? He wasn’t sure, but what he was sure of was that he needed to wash his face, take his meds, and brush his teeth. Then probably make the two of them breakfast. He finished sliding out of Eddie’s arms, shooting him a lingering look. He seemed so peaceful, a lot less angry at the world than he normally did. Then he pocketed his phone and padded down the steps into his bathroom. 

Once he was done getting ready for the morning he checked his messages from the night before, and saw that he had one from Maddie. It was from about thirty minutes ago, he frowned. It was only 7:00. She didn’t need to be up so early, or messaging him. Which meant it wasn’t going to be anything good. 

**Maddie: Did Eddie get through to you last night? He told me when he got there that you were in the shower. I don’t really know what your issue was last night Evan but honestly I thought you were over all of that shit. It’s been years since you last saw mom and dad, I thought you were done being bitter. Call her please. She really does want to hear from you.**

Done being bitter? He pulled out the eggs and a frying pan. She didn’t even know what he had to be bitter about, but it was just like he had told Eddie. There was a reason she didn’t know. Maddie was great, but there were times that she just wasn’t. He loved his sister, but she acted like she knew best when a lot of the time she didn’t know anything. In her defense the reason she didn’t know anything was because he kept her out of the loop. So did their mom, it was their little secret when he was a kid. Back when one of them would do something they shouldn’t have they would look at each other and say ‘don’t tell Maddie’. 

On his mother's end it was probably pretty reckless, but as a kid he ate that shit up. It was so funny to him, and it was so nice to have something to share with her that didn’t involve Maddie. Then he started doing more reckless things, and he began to turn out more and more like his mother. Maddie turned out a lot like her dad though, she got the good parts of him. Because despite all of his issues, Buck did know that there was good in that man. Or maybe it was why he had so many issues, he wasn’t ever sure about that. 

As soon as the eggs were frying, he moved to put a pot of coffee on, and some toast in the toaster as he contemplated his reply. He flipped the eggs absentmindedly, grateful that Bobby had taught him how to cook breakfast. It was the one thing he never really had to fake not knowing. Maddie had always cooked for them as kids, and he was never a breakfast food fan. Breakfast reminded him of orange juice,  _ oranges and tobacco,  _ for a long time so he just simply avoided eating it. He knew how to cook just about everything else though, which is why the lessons stopped there, much to the teasing of the team. Chim always joked that he was just a ‘morning after’ guy but never a date one. Back then he hadn’t cared much, Chim hadn’t really been that far off anyways. 

**To Maddie: Eddie and I were both fine, you didn’t need to rat me out to my best friend. If you were concerned you could have simply called. I was fine. Please don’t try and speak to me about shit you weren’t there for Mads. I don’t have her number. Send it to me and I’ll think about it.**

He knew she was going to be angry about the comment, but he hoped that he could placate her by asking for their moms number. He didn’t plan on using it ever, but Maddie didn’t need to know that. He heard a small thud, followed by Eddie’s footsteps coming down the stairs. Buck waited as he tinkered around in the bathroom for a few minutes before coming out to join him in the kitchen. 

“Coffee?” He asked. He looked at Buck’s cooking. “I thought we were taking Chris for pancakes when we got him?” 

Buck smiled, pointing at the counter, as he shrugged. “It’s brewing. And that kind of slipped my mind, Maddie texted me and I wanted something to do with my hands. We can still do that. I know how much you eat. How did you end up sleeping last night?” 

“Good, you?” He was staring at Buck, and despite having just woken up he looked like he was ready and alert at the question. 

“Good, no problems after the whole nightmare issue. You must be magic.” He joked, sending a wink. Eddie flushed. 

“Speaking of,” he started. Buck paused, he definitely remembered then. “You said something about me taking you on a date?” He looked hopeful. Buck smiled and nodded at him. “If that was just a spur of the moment thing, we can forget about it.” 

Buck turned away to flip the eggs onto plates, along with the toast. Grateful he didn’t need to look directly at Eddie while he answered. “No I want to. Don’t feel like you have to though.” He turned, putting a plate in front of Eddie before sitting across from him. 

The smile he got was blinding. “I would say tomorrow after our shift, but it’s a 24 so I know we’re going to be exhausted. So lunch the next day?” He offered. 

It was almost scary how happy he seemed, Buck knew he was going to fuck it all up. He always did, because Eddie was so good, and Christopher was amazing. But there was also something about the whole thing that just seemed like it would be so simple, and wonderful to fall into. And even though he hadn’t ever given it a ton of thought before, except the passing ideas of ‘wow Eddie is pretty hot’ and ‘damn he’s so fucking good with that kid’. It was impossible not to like the guy. To not want to please him, get that blinding smile again. 

“That sounds amazing. So what time are we getting Chris?” He asked as he shoved a piece of toast in his mouth. 

“I told Abuela we would be there at around 8:30, 9:00.” Eddie said, also digging in when the coffee maker dinged. Buck got up making both of their coffee’s adding cream and one sugar to Eddie’s while he drank his own black. 

He passed it to Eddie who was staring at him with a soft look on his face. “So, if Maddie asks you anything about last night. Could you just do me a favor and tell her that I was all fine and dandy and we watched movies or something?” 

“Sure, you know I would never tell anyone.” He confirmed. 

“Thank you.” 

“That thing you said last night though, about her not knowing? It seems like she really worries about you,” Eddie prodded. 

Buck wanted to slam his head off of the counter. He settled instead for taking a large sip of the still slightly too hot, way too bitter coffee. “She does really worry about me. She also left the house the second she could, I don’t blame her. I did the same exact thing and I wasn’t even 18 yet. But she left, and then she met Doug. And she left all over again. So as much as she worries, she acts like she knows me best, but she really doesn’t. She doesn’t know half as much about me as she thinks she does because she simply wasn’t there, and the things she was there for she was so judgmental about it was sometimes easier to not tell her at all.” 

He sighed, Eddie was frowning at him. Of course he was, he had just insulted Maddie, and as far as anyone knew Maddie was the golden child. If Maddie wasn’t out there proving that herself, Chim was serving as a reminder to the team on that front. 

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t think of it that way, you’re right. I have sisters, and I don’t know if I would ever be able to tell them if something like that had happened to me. I like to think I would because we were always close, but the same doesn’t go for you and Maddie.” Buck frowned. 

“I’m happy you’re close with your sisters, from what you’ve told me about them they sound pretty great.” He said instead of continuing to talk about his own family drama. 

“They are, I wish I called them more, but we’re all in a group chat. We send each other memes sometimes.” 

“You know what a meme is?” Buck teased. 

“I’m not that much older than you!” Eddie yelled back, used to the familiar brand of teasing. “Besides, you’re the one who doesn’t understand like any pop culture references.” 

Buck rolled his eyes at that. “We didn’t have a TV for a while when I was a kid.” He explained vaguely. 

Eddie however locked onto it. “You’ve mentioned that before, why not?” 

He frowned. His cheeks already flushed at the particular memory, no one had ever asked, they just seemed appalled at the piece of information and moved on. “Oh, uh, my mom had this druggie boyfriend that stole a lot of our shit when they broke up.” He winced before continuing. “She then decided that TV was ‘rotting the minds of youth’ anyways and we could spend our time doing more productive things, she bought a bunch of random shit to replace it. Back then I thought it was so cool we had so many new hobbies. Until Maddie explained that it was a symptom of mania and she was off her meds yet again.” 

She had gotten the money back and replaced the TV with art supplies, a keyboard, and a new cooking set. Buck had been so excited as his mom had been determined to teach him so many new things, not caring at the fact that she would get bored and move onto the next thing quickly. Maddie ruined the excitement for him, but they still never got a TV back, and didn’t until  _ he _ came back into their lives and bought one because Maddie asked. They didn’t get cable until he decided he should be a good husband once married their mom. 

“Oh, well Chris is just excited that he gets to show you all the Disney movies. You know he has a list in his bedroom that he crosses off the ones you guys have watched together?” Eddie asked. 

Buck felt warmth rushing through his chest. “He does?” 

Eddie nodded. “Sure does, ask him to show it to you sometime. Maybe you can help him narrow down some of the ones you’ve seen as a kid too.” 

He nodded. “I will.” 

+++

Buck had seemed better, when they got pancakes with Chris he was smiling and laughing the entire time. He was joking around with Eddie.  _ He agreed to go on a date with him.  _ Eddie totally wasn’t nervous. He actually wasn’t for the most part, because things with Buck were always easy. Even the conversation in the morning after that was easy. He had even made asking him out easy. So hopefully getting over the hurdle and going on their first date would be easy too. The only thing that had really changed with them so far was that Buck was definitely flirting with him now. There were times in the past when he maybe wondered, but now he didn’t have to. It made his heart flip, and the tips of his ears turn red every time. But it was worth it because every time it happened Buck got a self satisfied smile on his face. 

So Eddie was hoping that as they walked into the station shoulders pressed together, that maybe the good mood would last. That Buck would be able to forget about the events that had transpired the night before. Chim had seemed to have different ideas however. 

“You know, someday you’re going to have to learn to cook pancakes. Taking Chris out to eat all the time has to be hitting your wallet pretty hard.” Buck teased. As they went to the locker room to get ready, 

“Yeah? Why would I need to learn to cook when we have you around?” He teased back. 

Buck grinned. “Oh and you’re so sure I’ll be willing to cook for you every morning?” 

“You have every day so far. Even this morning I recall.” 

“Yeah? Maybe I was trying to get you to keep me around. Now that you are, you gotta step it up Diaz.” He winked. Eddie felt his ears burning, and they headed up the stairs and separated as they hit the top of the loft stairs. 

“You know Maddie was pretty upset last night. You were kind of a dick.” Chim said in lieu of greeting. 

Hen smacked his arm. “Way to ease him into it man.” She muttered. 

Eddie stared at Buck for his reaction, and now that he was looking for it, it was easy to see how the team affected him. Despite the fact that he got an easy going look on his face, his eyes were tense, and his back was straighter than it had been a minute ago. “Man, didn’t know we were bringing our brother-in-law drama into work now Chim.” He joked. 

Chim laughed, seeming to forget about the tension a bit. “You’re right, sorry. She kind of drove me crazy ranting about you last night.” He said. 

Eddie saw Buck twitch slightly. “Sorry man,” he moved forward clapping Chim on the shoulder. “Is Cap in the kitchen?” He asked, not giving room for anyone to reply just heading straight there. 

Eddie watched as he jumped straight into helping Bobby prepare lunch and could tell he needed space so he sat down with the others. “You really need to work on separating your Maddie drama from Buck at work.” Hen reprimanded. 

“He was a dick to her last night.” Chim whined. 

“It doesn’t matter. At work he’s your teammate, not your girlfriend's brother. Besides, don't you think you were taking side’s?” She said, eyeing him disapprovingly. 

“No, Maddie showed me the texts.” He defended. 

“Yeah? You still aren’t getting the full story from her though. And Hen is right, Buck is your teammate. Plus you’ve known him longer.” Eddie snapped. 

“Easy there. Don’t you think you’re taking his side just because he’s your best friend? Not all of us know everything about him.” Chim said darkly. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Eddie replied. He didn’t know everything about Buck, didn’t know a hell of a lot until yesterday. But he did know that you treated your teammates with respect, especially at work. 

“That whole thing yesterday. We’ve worked with Buck for years now, and he’s never thought it would be a good time to mention any of it, but he’ll just spill all of it to you.” He snapped back. 

Hen interjected, trying to soothe the rising tensions. “I think what Chim is trying to say.” She shot her best friend a sharp look. “Is that it was a little hurtful to us that Buck never felt like he could share any of his past with us until you came around.” 

Eddie shrugged. “I didn’t know any of that stuff until yesterday either. But do you maybe think he never told you because you reacted like  _ that?”  _

“Like what?” Chim scoffed. 

“Like you were so shocked that he could have gone to college. Especially one like Dartmouth. Which he got to on a scholarship, because he graduated second in his class in high school. But you treat him like he’s some idiot.” Eddie was seething, but whispering because he really didn’t want Buck to hear him and come over. 

Buck had told him the night before that the only reason he was able to go to Dartmouth was because he had gotten a full ride. He had other colleges, fallbacks that he would have gone to. He refused to go into debt, and because he had graduated second in his class, nearly first. He had been able to get pretty far. He had also revealed that he had been in a few clubs, like mock trial, drama, as well as running track. Maddie had stressed the importance of having a good resume on him, and he apparently loved it all. 

“That’s not really fair Eddie.” Hen mumbled. She was frowning deeply though, it made a part of Eddie glad. He knew it was fucked up to see his team members upset, but it felt good that they shared the hurt he felt. Even if they didn’t and wouldn’t understand the entire situation. 

“He doesn’t actually think that we think he’s stupid, does he?” Chim asked him quietly. His shoulders were slumped down and Eddie took pity on him. 

“How would you feel if someone reacted like that?” He pointed out before continuing, waving a hand over to where Buck was talking animatedly with Bobby while they cooked. “I think maybe it’s something you’ll want to talk to him about.” 

Chim nodded and stood up, walking over to the pair. Hen leaned forward, eyeing Eddie critically. “So, for someone who ‘just found out’ you seem to know a lot about it.” She pointed out vaguely. 

He tried not to be annoyed by her implications. They had talks where they danced around the fact that he had a giant heart boner for Buck, but normally Karen was there to keep the peace. And to be on his side honestly. “I went over last night to check on him. We talked about it. He was pretty hurt that all of you seemed so shocked that he went to college at all, let alone an Ivy League.” He told her, hoping it would take some of the weight off of him. 

It worked, because she sighed. “When we met Buck, he was a kid that would just run headfirst into any situation. It seemed like he never thought twice about anything, just did whatever first came to mind. He’s come a long way since then, and it’s a lot easier to associate the person he is now with someone who would have gone to college. But the person he was then? Well I probably would have called him a stone cold liar.” She admitted. 

Eddie frowned. Buck had said his mom had bipolar disorder, and briefly mentioned getting his issues from her. And well the way Hen described him, he sounded like he was bipolar as well. He didn’t want to pry, and he knew it was better to let Buck come to him. But he couldn’t help but ask. “What changed?” 

She shrugged. “Honestly? Abby.” Eddie scoffed. “He got with her, and it seemed like he stopped doing a lot of the risky shit. Not just stopping with the risky sex. I mean you heard about when he stole the firetruck. But then he stopped taking as many risks at work, it seemed like he settled into his own skin. We all got worried when she left, because he got pretty down. But then you showed up, and as soon as he got over his macho man shit. You two were best friends and he was back to being alright.” 

“So what? Abby was great?” He asked. From everything he had ever heard about her, she led him on for months after she had left and treated him pretty crappy while they had dated. 

“No, but she seemed to be what he needed. Chim joked that he had mommy issues when they started dating. But he said the age difference didn’t really bug him, he said he was used to it.” 

That made bile fill up in Eddie’s mouth. He deserved it for prying he supposed. “Well, he’s got all of us now. That is, if Chim will stop taking Maddie’s side on everything.” 

“His heart is in the right place.” She reminded him. 

Eddie was sure it was, but he wasn’t sure if Maddie’s was. Everything he had heard from Buck, it made him wary. He knew it wasn’t his place though, it wasn’t his sibling drama to get in the middle of. But he couldn’t help but wonder. Why was Maddie so insistent that he called back home when she ran to Buck instead of her parents. When she didn’t even call them when bad things happened. It seemed awfully hypocritical of her, like she was being a good daughter for show, and when Buck didn’t match that energy he was all of a sudden the bad child. Like their family dynamic was carefully crafted and he should be the one punished for not upholding it. 

“Lunch is up.” Bobby called over to them. 

Eddie and Hen ended their conversation, making their way over to the table to sit and eat with the team. It seemed that Chim and Buck had made up, because the tension was gone from his shoulders. Eddie sat down next to him, bumping into him slightly as he took his seat. Letting their knees press togethers. The smile he got in return was blinding. 

“This looks great, what is it?” Hen asked as she served herself. 

“Shepards pie. Buck made the potatoes.” Bobby supplied helpfully. 

“Should we trust them?” Chim asked, faking nervousness as he heaped some onto his plate. Even though he watched Buck roll his eyes at the comment it sat wrong with him. 

“How come you never help with the cooking Chim?” He asked, a little too sharp. 

Buck shot him a look, wide eyed. Chim took it in stride however. “You wouldn’t want me too. Trust me, my cooking leaves a lot to be desired. I’m just glad that Maddie knows how to cook.” He said brightly. 

He saw Buck roll his eyes slightly before turning back to his plate. He decided it would be best for everyone to drop it, and they ate in mostly silence until the bell rang. 

+++

Buck logically knew that his sister and Athena sometimes came by the station with dinner, but with everything that had happened the night before, and on the call they had just had he couldn’t help the inherent burst of anxiety he got at seeing the pair in the station when they pulled in. 

The call was relatively normal, get the kid off the ledge. He’d done it so many times before with Bobby. It wasn’t anything new to him, and it normally never got to him. But the kid was so fucking worried about his dad’s reaction, he it clawed its way under Buck’s skin. Bobby told him he was probably overreacting but the hospital would figure it out anyways. And Eddie kept eyeing him on the ride back to the station. He wanted to shower, and scrub his skin clean, of what he wasn’t sure. There was just a faint buzz under his skin, and it itched, like he needed to pry it off to get under there. His leg had been bouncing a mile a minute. Maybe he didn’t need a shower, maybe he needed to run it off. He wasn’t sure, but what he was sure of was that he really didn’t need Maddie right there when he felt all of that. 

“Maddie here, called me and asked me to help bring you guys dinner.” Athena said as they approached. “Figured you could all use the pick me up.” 

Bobby was beaming at his wife as he responded, and Buck forced a smile. “That was sweet of you guys. We just have to unload the truck and we’ll be right up.” He replied. 

“Ev, could I steal you before we eat?” Maddie asked, voice just a little bit too sweet. He turned and saw the fake smile she used to wear plastered on her face, and a threat behind her eyes. He was not allowed to say no. 

“Of course Mads.” He replied, “just gotta help unload.” He gestured to the truck. 

She nodded, eyeing him. It made the buzzing return. He wanted to peel off his skin so people would stop looking at it like that. There was nothing more to see. There was nothing under it, he wanted to prove. He had kept it all under wraps for long enough, there was no way Maddie could figure it out with a few critical looks and frowns. Just because he finally told someone without the comfort of an office setting didn’t mean he was going to drop the bomb on the person he was trying so hard to keep it from. He slammed some of the gear onto the floor, ignoring the way everyone looked at him. 

“Are you okay?” Eddie asked him quietly, resting a hand on his lower back. 

“I’m good. Just stressed.” He replied, Eddie nodded, shooting him a smile. 

“Yeah, that call sucked. You know where I am if you wanna talk about it though.” He said, and Buck smiled at him. 

There was no reason to take his stress out on Eddie, not when he had been nothing but helpful during it all. “What if I wanna do something that’s not talking?” He asked, watching as the tips of Eddie’s ears burned red. 

“We can do that.” He mumbled. “Just not at work.” Buck shot him a grin. 

All too quickly they had unloaded and Maddie was linking her arm through his as she dragged him over to the corner of the station. “Do you want to tell me what last night was all about? Are you taking your meds? You seem pretty high strung, you can talk to your doctor about your dosage if it isn’t working.” She rattled off as soon as they were out of earshot of the rest of the team. 

As much as he was grateful that she waited until she wasn’t around the team, he was still annoyed that she was doing this at his work at all. But of course it meant she had him in a situation where he couldn’t just walk out of. And in her defense, he used to have a habit of walking out of conversations he simply didn’t want to partake in. 

“I drank a little bit too much Maddie. You really didn’t need to send Eddie over.” He took a deep breath trying to make sure he cleared the annoyance out of his tone before continuing. “And of course I’m taking my meds. I’m not mom, and this job means too much to me.” 

“That’s not fair she has been managing.” Maddie defended. 

“Yeah? Funny coming from someone who also didn’t talk to her for years.” He shot back. He could hear how bitter he sounded, and tamped it back down, putting a hand on Maddie’s arm. “You don’t have to manage my disorder for me. I do that for myself, I know you got used to doing it for mom. But I really don’t need a keeper, I need a sister.” 

“I am being your big sister when I do those things. It’s my job to look out for you, just like you looked out for me with the Doug thing. We’re there for each other.” She stood up as straight as she could, looking him directly in the eye. “So let me be there for you.” 

“I do.” 

“Then you know I have your best interests at heart, right?” She hedged. He dropped his hand, and nodded. 

“Where are you going with this?” 

“I really think you should call mom. I think it would be good for the both of you.” 

He couldn’t help but roll his eyes at her. “I think you need to stop trying so hard to fix things Maddie. It’s not like she’s coming out here, I’m never going back to Pennsylvania.”  _ He couldn’t call it home, it wasn’t home to him anymore. New Hampshire was more like home to him than that place was.  _ “So just let it be. If we decide to talk we do, but you can’t fix us.” 

Maddie sighed. “I think you need to stop being so bullheaded about this. Dad,” he winced. He prayed she wouldn’t notice but of course she latched onto the movement. “Oh my god Evan is that really what this is about? I really,  _ really,  _ thought you were over that. I thought that your text last night was just some stupid drunk thing. But you really still hate dad?” She asked. 

“ _ Your Dad.”  _ He stressed, for lack of anything better to say. 

“He helped raise you Evan. He was there for you, I know that you had your own dad, but honestly I don’t get what the big issue is. Is this why you won’t call mom?” 

She had been right to do it at work because he couldn’t fully leave, but he sure as hell could walk over to where there were more people. So he did, turning his back on Maddie and the conversation not sure what to say, slipping into his seat at the table. 

She followed, glaring daggers at him as she slid in next to Chim. But the one thing he knew was that Maddie hated having their dirty laundry aired everywhere. A lingering consequence from being a child with fucked up parents was they both got pretty damn good at keeping a lid on family drama in public spaces. So she was going to have to settle for passive aggressive comments at the dinner table, without being able to outright ask him why he hated  _ him.  _ Which Buck could deal with a hell of a lot better than he could deal with that conversation. Especially since he had the team as a buffer. 

“Everything alright?” Chim asked, passing a plate to Maddie. Glancing between her and Buck. It seemed he wasn’t the only one who picked up on the tension because he felt Eddie’s hand on his knee faintly. The buzzing feeling was back in his veins, and he had to concentrate on actually feeling it. If he didn’t it felt like his limbs weren’t quite attached to his body. 

“Things are fine, Evan and I were just having a minor disagreement on how to handle something.” Maddie said back with a smile at Chim, and then a glare at him. 

Buck shrugged at her. “Sometimes the best thing you can do for a situation is to butt out of it, don’t you agree Eddie?” He asked instead of looking at his sister. 

Eddie seemed to catch on pretty quickly. “I’m trying to teach that to Chris, that some things aren’t his business.” He said, and Maddie pursed her lips. 

Lucky for him, it seemed with that comment they were at an impasse so the rest of the team took over the conversation, chatting about whatever. Buck just tried his hardest to focus on the food in front of him, and the motion of putting the fork into the food, and then into his mouth. Eventually he was able to clear his plate that way, and just sit back and let what everyone was saying wash over his body. 

He needed to do something, needed the buzzing to cease because if it didn’t he was probably going to go insane. But he also knew he wasn’t allowed to leave the table during dinner because it was rude. So he settled for getting up to get more water, grabbing the ice out of the freezer and popping a cube straight into his mouth holding it there. 

It wasn’t a comfortable sensation, but it did the trick at bringing him back into his own body enough to sit through the rest of dinner. Once he sat back down, Eddie was shooting him a concerned look yet again which he shook off. Maddie seemed to think it was a great time to single him out yet again. “That food was great right Ev? I used mom’s recipe, have you talked to her recently?” She asked brightly. 

Buck wanted to scream. Or maybe yell. But he couldn’t do either with the ice cube sitting in his mouth, and he sure as hell couldn’t reply. Which quickly got awkward as everyone started at him waiting for his reply. Finally he decided to grab his cup, and spit the ice cube into it, despite the fact that everyone stared at him as he did it. Maddie looked victorious, and concerned at the same time. He wasn’t even sure how she managed that. 

“It was great. I haven’t talked to her recently, but as I’m sure everyone here knows some people have difficult relationships with their parents. Even ones that might differ compared to their siblings. Wouldn’t you agree Chim? How is Albert doing by the way?” He asked, just as bright as Maddie had been. 

“Oh, he’s uh doing pretty good.” Chim said slowly, before shoveling more food into his mouth looking down. It seemed he didn’t want to get in the middle of the sibling drama, which Buck found pretty funny considering how willing he was to jump right into it when the shift had first started. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you two talk about your parents? What are they like?” Athena asked politely. Buck wanted to scream as Maddie latched onto it. 

“Oh well, our mom was pretty difficult when we were growing up. But she’s doing really well for herself now, and wants the chance to make it up to us. Our dad.” 

He should have left it. “ _ Your  _ dad.” He quipped. She frowned at him, which gave him the chance to continue without seeming like a total asshole. “My dad died when I was 18, but Maddie’s dad is married to our mom. He-” Buck paused trying to swallow down the sick feeling he got. He felt lightheaded as he continued. “Helped raise me, but he isn’t my dad. My dad is dead.” He finished. 

Maddie seemed satisfied enough with that answer, and put on her best pitying look. “He is helping her a lot, I’m thinking about asking them to come out to LA. I just wish Evan’s dad would have been able to see how far he’s come.” She said. 

Buck couldn’t see straight, the buzzing was back.  _ Come to LA.  _ She wanted them,  _ him,  _ to come to LA? “I thought you didn’t like your dad?” Hen asked him, contradicting how soft Maddie was trying to be about his death. 

Buck could work with that, it kept him from screaming at her, or running from the station and packing his bags and getting the hell out of dodge. “I didn't. He was a shitbox of a person. Still might have been nice to prove to him that I made something of myself.” He shrugged. 

“You really shouldn’t talk about your father like that Evan.” Maddie chided. 

He was out of his head in an instant. It was like he couldn’t control what he was saying, and he hated himself as he felt the words come out of his mouth. “Well, I can’t hate your dad. And now you’re telling me I can’t hate my own? Who do I have your permission to hate Madeline? Our mother? You sure did for most of our lives.” He snapped. 

This was the one thing they didn’t do, they weren’t supposed to. Family drama, and family secrets were behind closed doors only. It didn’t matter to Maddie that  _ this  _ was his family now. And now he was sure she was going to take them from him by showing them just how much of a wreck he always managed to be. 

“That’s not fair Evan.” She told him, her voice full of steel. “Why don’t we take a walk? You seem like you need a bit of space.” 

He shook his head. But she was already up from the table grabbing onto his arm, guiding him up, and moving him away from the group. He didn’t look back, and he didn’t look at Eddie for help. He didn’t need to see everyone's faces as his sister reprimanded him, and manhandled him like a bad child. He was sure his face would have flushed if he could have felt it. The back of his mind was still playing a constant track of  _ ‘I’m thinking about asking them to come to LA’  _ however. So he really couldn’t feel much of anything. 

She got him down the loft stairs, and he could faintly feel pinpricks of pain in his arm, no doubt from where her nails were digging in. “God, you’re such a fucking child Evan. Are you fucking kidding me with that shit. Are you sure you took your meds, or do I need to start watching you? Because you’re acting just-” 

“Like mom?” He scoffed. “Funny coming from someone demanding I call her. Insisting she come out to LA when she’s never given a fuck about it before. If you want to see them why don’t you fucking go to Hershey instead of upending my life for fun.” 

“Why are you acting like I killed your puppy? All I did was mention our parents. Are you really such a fucking baby that you can’t see mom because you don’t talk for a while, and what you and dad suddenly can’t be in the state because you disagree?” He felt his fists clenching, before he let out a breath and released them. 

He didn’t reply, instead he just stared at her. He wasn't sure what his face looked like, or how blank it must have been. But Maddie caught on pretty quickly. “God damnit,” she cursed. She put a hand on his face, caressing it softly. “Evan?” She asked. He stared at her, and told himself to open his mouth, but he knew the second he did, something he didn’t want to reveal would come out, so his mind didn’t cooperate. It stayed locked shut instead. 

“Shit, shit, shit. Evan!” She half yelled, before looking up. Sure enough Athena, Bobby, and Eddie came to the balcony. 

“What’s wrong?” Bobby was asking, but Athena was rushing down the stairs, pushing Maddie off of him gently. 

“Y’all can go back to dinner. Buck and I are gonna take a walk.” She said, her cop voice was on. Buck could tell she wasn’t making a request to any of them, she was telling them. But he was thankful for it, he wasn’t sure he could have dealt with any of the rest of them, and he sure as hell couldn’t keep dealing with Maddie. 

She guided him up to Bobby’s office sitting him down, before sitting next to him. “I’m going to ask you a few questions, you don’t have to answer them. And you can tell me to mind my own damn business. But just know, if you do answer, this won’t go anywhere except between you and me okay?” She asked, and he nodded. 

“Okay, good.” She shot him a smile. “For starters, are you okay?” She asked, he shrugged. “I figured as much. Did you get along with your mom?” She asked. 

“I loved my mom.” He insisted. “I know it sounds like I’m this awful child, but growing up I loved my mom. I loved her more than Maddie did.” He bit his lip to cut himself off. 

“You don’t sound like an awful child, you sound like one that had some bad stuff happen to them.” She told him. He nodded. “Did you have a difficult relationship with your father?” 

“I mean, yes and no? I grew up knowing that my dad wasn’t shit. Is it difficult if you know exactly what you’re going to get out of it?” 

“It can be.” 

“Well then I guess.” 

“When did he die?” 

“When I was 18. I had been living with him off and on for two years before that. But when I left for college, he was alone for the first time in a while. No one to stop him from drinking too much, and no one to scream at and beat around. They found him choked in a pool of his own vomit four days after he had died. It was a closed casket funeral.” 

He had stood there in a too itchy suit lined up with all the other half kids, shaking hands as they listened to people talk about what a ‘good man’ he was. The other four of them had all told Buck how sorry they were, because he was the closest one with Tom before he died. Until he cracked a joke about abuse, it was in bad taste. But that opened the gates for bad humor, and the reveal that apparently Tom wasn’t just a shitty father to him. It was also where the group chat had started. 

“That had to have been pretty difficult for you. Not being there for his death.” 

“Not really. It lined up pretty well. He died just in time for spring break, so instead of going out with friends I just went home for the funeral.” 

“How did your mother take it?” She asked politely. Buck noticed somewhere in all of it that she didn’t seem shocked by the college thing. But he figured Bobby had probably mentioned it to her. 

“She was worried about me. But other than that she was fine, I was the byproduct of birth control failure and a one night stand.” He joked. He saw the sadness in Athena’s eyes. “Not a one night stand, they dated for about a year. But they were never together when I was alive. And she had already remarried to-” he swallowed, “to Maddie’s father. So really it was all good.” 

“What is he like?” She asked him, her eye’s turning critical. 

“Who?” He asked, playing dumb. He was always good at that part. 

“Buck, you can tell me to fuck off. But please don’t pretend you’re stupid. You have a masters degree from one of the best colleges in the country and you help my daughter with homework I can’t even pretend to understand at times.” She pointed out. Warmth filled his chest, because maybe Bobby had told her, but at least she didn’t seem shocked by the knowledge. 

“You’re right.” He smiled at her sadly. “Maddie’s dad and I have a complicated relationship. Maddie doesn’t know anything about it. I don’t want her to. But because she doesn’t know, she seems to think I’m an ungrateful asshole for not wanting to have anything to do with him.” He said plainly. 

“Did he do something?” She asked. 

_ What didn’t he do?  _ “Hey Athena?” He asked with a smile. 

“Yes Buck?” 

“Could you kindly fuck off?” He joked and she smiled and nodded. 

“Sure can do Buckaroo.” She leaned in and ruffled his hair. “I’m here if you ever want to talk about it. And I’ll tell Maddie to back off about it.” 

He nodded at her gratefully. “I didn’t mean to blow up at dinner.” He explained. 

“I know that. I’m sure she does too, or she wouldn’t have been so upset when she realized she fucked up.” 

He shrugged. Because sure, he was in here with Athena on his side. But out there at the dinner table Maddie was probably pouting and gaining the sympathy of the rest of his team. Telling them safe for work stories about how Buck has always been a little difficult. Turning herself into the good guy of yet another family he had, and he couldn’t clutch them in his hands and run. Because  _ you have to share with your sister Evan.  _ It didn’t ever matter that she was older, or that she should have had her own friends, her own toys, her own life. Whatever Maddie wanted she simply got. 

When it was just them and their mom, it was a little easier. Buck had someone on his side, but then  _ he  _ came back, and it was like Buck never had a say. Like he was an intruder on what should have been a happy little family unit. He was just messing up what should have been a chance at redemption. If he had never been born, it wouldn’t have mattered when they got back together, it wouldn’t have been weird. There wouldn’t have been anything holding them back. But he was there, and he did hold them back.

It didn’t matter how hard he tried to prove that he was good enough to the people around him, because he knew that he wasn’t supposed to be there. It didn’t matter that he had a masters degree, or that he knew three languages. Didn’t matter that he was a firefighter and EMT. Or that he had gotten his SEAL training before having to drop because of the Bipolar management. At the end of the day, none of it ever mattered because his achievements could not make up for the fact that his birth was a mistake, and Maddie, and his mother, and  _ him,  _ becoming a happy little family all over again proved it. 

He didn’t even realize he hadn’t moved until Athena was resting a hand on his shoulder. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” She offered. 

He shook his head. “I’m sure. Let’s get back out there. Might as well enjoy the company before duty calls.” He joked. 

Once they returned to the table he watched Bobby stare at him with an open look, until he locked eyes with Athena. Whatever he saw there must have told him to drop it, because he shrugged and smiled at Buck. “You and Eddie are on dish duty, kid.” He said. 

“Great, is everyone done? I’ll get started now.” He replied grabbing plates instead of sitting back down. 

“Ev, can we talk?” Maddie tried asking, putting a hand on his arm. 

Athena jumped in before he even had the chance to say no. “Honey how about you let him do his work for now. I’m sure you two can talk when he isn’t on the clock.” 

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” She replied, but she was looking at him when she said it. 

He could tell that she felt bad for triggering him, even if she wasn’t sure what did it. But he also remembered the look on her face when she made him talk when he was trying to use the ice to cope. And the bitter, petty part of him that had that face imprinted in his memory just shrugged and walked to the sink instead of replying to her. 

Eddie came up next to him, putting more dishes in the sink as Buck filled it with water. “Are you okay?” He asked quietly. 

“I’m just wonderful. Wouldn’t you be too if your sister decided to corner you when you couldn’t run and then your boss's wife had to rescue you?” He asked darkly. 

He didn’t have to look to know that Eddie would have a hurt look on his face, so he reached a hand over lacing their fingers together. “I’m sorry.” Eddie whispered. 

“No, you have no reason to be. I’m sorry. My life is clearly kind of a fucking wreck right now, but I have no right, or reason to be taking that out on you.” He leaned so their shoulders were touching, and the warm weight was grounding. “You can always back out on that date.” He half joked. 

Buck knew he should have just told him to take off running and forget the whole idea. But he couldn’t lie that a big part of him liked the idea of dating Eddie, and that part got bigger the longer he thought about it. The more he got used to the idea, the more right it felt right. He was selfish enough to know that he didn’t really want to give that up. 

“Can’t get rid of me that easy man.” Eddie replied, squeezing their hands together. 

“Good.” Buck said before turning back to the dishes settling on the task in front of him. 

As they did the dishes quietly Eddie leaned into him and asked. “You know that thing Maddie said about her parents coming up?” 

The thing that sent him into a panic? The thing he hadn’t been able to forget since he heard it? That thing? Buck nodded. “Yeah I recall.” 

“Well she said, that maybe she was jumping the gun a little. Decided that she should probably talk to you more about it, and wait a little while longer before making any decisions.” He said. Buck felt something in his insides unclench, and realized he could actually feel the water running over his hands now. “I just thought you might want to know.” 

“I could actually kiss you right now.” Buck replied, watching as Eddie rolled his eyes. “I’m serious, you’re amazing.” He continued. He knew he had been flirting for a reaction before, but he needed Eddie to know he was serious. 

Everything about the way he went about it was perfect, starting with calling them Maddie’s parents. Buck wanted to kiss the man senseless and it didn’t matter that they were in the middle of the fire station. “We’d get written up for that.” Eddie pointed out. 

“That is quite literally the only thing stopping me.” 

Eddie sent him a fond smile. “You are absolutely ridiculous.” 

“Yeah, but you like me anyway.” Buck pointed out. 

He was waiting for Eddie to deny it, roll the comment off into a joke. But he didn’t. Instead he brushed his side into Buck’s. “Yeah, I do.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed, let me know what you think in the comments!  
> Next chapter we get to see a bit more of Eddie, and his pining for Buck! Also I know Maddie is kind of a bitch in this, and she will continue to be. She does love Buck, she just genuinely does not understand the situation, and fall victim to being someone who has seen the way Bipolar ruined their mothers life, and if afraid it's doing it to him as well. Also, I do swear by the ice cube trick, it personally has helped me a lot, and everyone one of my friends that I've showed it too has used to again.  
> Stay safe, and healthy!  
> National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673  
> National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233  
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Or as always in case of any emergency call 9-1-1.


	3. Who's your favorite sister?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Eddie go on their first date, Chris is the best kid. Buck and Maddie try to stop being so weird about sibling relationships, while Eddie manages to group chat his sisters happily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!  
> Potential trigger warnings for this chapter: talks of bipolar disorder, brief mention of sexual abuse of a minor, talk of parental neglect.  
> I think this might be the least angsty chapter so far. I also like to alternatively call it 'how many phone calls can I squeeze into one chapter without putting the one I need to?'

Eddie wasn’t sure he had been so nervous about a date since his first date with Shannon. Then again, he hadn’t really been on a date since Shannon. God he was out of practice. But there he was, being awkward about something as stupid as a shirt. He was pretty sure Buck wasn’t even going to notice whatever one he eventually decided on. Wasn’t really sure it needed to be such a big decision, but he ended up calling in Christopher to help him pick anyways. 

His son, god love him, laughed right at him. It did not do wonders for his self esteem. But it did help him see just how ridiculous he was being about the entire situation. “Wear the red one daddy.” 

“You think so?” He asked, hanging the deep blue shirt back up. Tugging on the red henley. 

“I know so.” Chris stated. “Red is one of Bucky’s favorite colors.” He added like that was all the reasoning he needed. Which honestly it probably was. Eddie was being weird. 

“And you’re okay with this?” He checked again. He and Chris had a long talk before about what dating would mean in the future, but it was different in theory than it was in practice. 

“Bucky makes you smile. And you make him smile. You were both sad when you weren’t talking, and you said this won’t make things any different for us. So yes dad I’m okay.” He stressed. “You’re gonna be okay too kid.” 

Eddie honestly didn’t know how he ended up with such an amazing son. But he sure as hell wasn’t going to complain about it. “Love you kiddo,” he said planting a kiss on his head. 

“Love you too daddy.” 

Eddie finished dressing, smoothing down his hair, and spraying some cologne. “Alright buddy, let’s get you to school.” He said, turning and grabbing his car keys to get them on their way before they ran late because of his antics. 

As soon as Eddie was pulling out of the drop off line, he heard his phone chime once, then four more times in rapid succession. He smiled knowing it had to be his sisters, as the phone chimed yet again. He turned up the radio, nodding along to the music. He was in a good mood. 

When he pulled back into the driveway he opened his phone with a bright grin on his face. 

**Adriana to Sibling Support: *sent a gif***

**Adriana to Sibling Support: This is you Eddito trying to get ready for your date**

**Sophia to Sibling Support: DUDE YOURE SUCH A SAVAGE**

**Sophia to Sibling Support: But seriously he’s totally freaking out**

**Adriana to Sibling Support: Stop pouting and reply to usssss**

Eddie rolled his eyes at the gif, paired with his sisters teasing. But was smiling anyways at their support. 

**Eddie to Sibling Support: It’s called not texting while you drive. Forgive me for being responsible.**

**Sophia to Sibling Support: So you aren’t denying the claims laid against you**

**Eddie to Sibling Support: Is it a crime to want to look nice for a date?**

**Adriana to Sibling Support: Relax, he’s into you. It’ll be fine. Abuela is already lording over us that she’s gotten to meet him first. And that ‘he’s such a nice man for her nieto’**

**Eddie to Sibling Support: WAIT WHO TOLD ABUELA?**

**Sophia to Sibling Support: It’s cute that you think anything stays quiet in this family for long. She’s been saying it’s gonna happen for ages, her and mom had a bet.**

**Adriana to Sibling Support: Sophia let it slip to mom, who had to let her know she won the bet, simply because you did the asking. Mom is gassed, you won her $50**

**Eddie to Sibling Support: STOP BETTING ON MY LOVE LIFE**

**Sophia to Sibling Support: To be fair, Adri and I stayed out of the bet**

Before he could reply his phone started buzzing, Adriana’s name and contact photo of the two of them pressed together on the couch playing Mario Kart before he moved flashing on his phone. He picked up pressing the phone to his ear. 

“Hello,” he answered, trying his best to not sound like a petulant child. 

“You know they only bet about it because they care about you. Plus if you really think about it, mom hasn’t even officially met him and she already accepts him.” The fact that they never quite accepted Shannon went unsaid. 

“I’m a grown man with a child and mom and Abuela were taking bets on if I would ask my best friend out.” He whined. “It’s embarrassing.” 

“Yeah, but mom bet that you would.” She replied brightly. “Abuela bet that you would never have the guts and Buck would have to do it. Honestly I don’t know him, but I kind of agree with her.” She joked and he groaned. 

“I thought you said you didn’t bet on it?” 

“I didn’t. You know I’d never bet against you. You’re my favorite brother.” 

“I’m your  _ only  _ brother Adri.” He said, but he was smiling. 

“Semantics.” 

“I mean, they were both wrong.” He revealed, knowing that he could trust Adri with his secrets. It was Sophia who had trouble keeping her mouth shut. 

“Oh?” 

“He kind of told me to ask him on a date.”

He heard Adri laughing brightly on the other line. “Oh my god you two are both hopeless.” She laughed more before catching her breath. “He sounds like he’s good for you.” 

Eddie smiled, thinking about how Buck had always been there for him. Was always there for Chris as well, as if there was no place in the world he would rather be. Making sure they both ate healthy because ‘jesus Eddie cooking a vegetable won’t kill you’. But he would always say it with a smile as he took over Eddie’s kitchen, taking care of both of them. Then lingering around long after Chris had fallen asleep, spending the night just because it was easier than going home. It would have been impossible not to fall for Buck with the way he took care of Chris. 

But it also helped that he was attractive as hell. Watching him in the gym was actually physically painful for Eddie at times, because god how the hell could he just do that, and why was no one else reacting? 

“He is.” He finally replied to Adriana. 

“What are you two doing for your date?” 

“Promise not to laugh?” 

“Oh god.” She groaned. “I promise.” 

“I’m taking him out for a picnic.” He told her, bracing himself for the laughter anyways. 

She stayed true to her word however and didn’t laugh at him. “Making sure he knows you're a keeper. Good man. Next step is to put a ring on it.” 

“Adri!” He yelled, blushing. 

“What? Eddito you’re kidding yourself if you don’t think that’s the next bet. Everybody has high hopes for the two of you.” 

“It’s a first date, can you all tone it down a bit?” 

“Fine.” She agreed. Before he could say thank you she continued. “We’ll tone it down until your second.” 

“Adriana!” 

“You’re too easy. God!” 

“I hate you.” He told her, but he was grinning at how familiar it all felt. “I miss you guys.” 

“We miss you too. Come back home soon, visit us.” She stressed. 

“I will.” He promised. 

“Bring Buck.” She added with a laugh. 

“I’m hanging up on you.” 

“I love you!” She yelled. 

“Yeah, yeah.” He replied by clicking the end call button. 

He opened up his messages and clicked on her name. 

**To Adriana: I love you too jerk**

**Adriana: I’m your favorite and you know it <3**

He rolled his eyes, pocketing his phone without bothering to deny it. Instead he headed out to the kitchen to work on prepping a picnic basket, trying not to feel ridiculous as he did it. He figured Buck would like it, but he couldn’t help but worry he was over thinking the entire thing. But he wanted everything to be perfect, and he could control more if he made the food himself, plus Buck loved spending time outdoors. The weather was turning nice, spring was on its way so a picnic felt like a good choice. He just hoped Buck agreed. 

+++ 

Buck wanted to call Maddie for advice, logically he knew he probably could. She would never begrudge him that, she would probably even be happy for him. However, he didn’t want to be the one that broke first. Their text feed was silent since she had left the station, she slipped out quietly after he ignored her apology. She was probably hurt, and maybe even worried. But he knew he had been an asshole, and even though she had been one too. Technically she had said she was sorry, she had tried. Even if it was completely half assed, and the sorry was only for the fact that she triggered him at the very end. Not for any of the rest of the fight. Still, now it was his job to reach out and fix it. He didn’t want to talk about their mom though, the last text she sent was her number, it was haunting their thread. 

He had already showered, and gotten ready for his date with Eddie, but there was still an hour before he was supposed to come by and get him, and Buck was nervous. Eddie told him it was a surprise but to dress casually, and Buck felt like he was going to fuck it all up. Eddie was already putting so much thought into it, and he didn’t deserve someone like that. Maddie was always the person who got him out of that, but now they were arguing. 

He sighed, and picked up her phone dialing the number anyway. Eddie was more important than winning a game of silence. He was willing to break first if it meant not hurting Eddie in the end. Which is what he reasoned with himself as it felt like the phone rang forever. It picked up just before it went to voicemail. Probably her punishing him for even bothering to call, making him wait in anxiety. 

“Hello?” She answered, she sounded confused. In her defense they had gone weeks without an apology due to their fights before, normally she was the one who broke. Or he sent a meme. “Are you okay?” She asked. 

“I’m fine Mads.” She let out a sigh of relief. “I need your advice.” 

She didn’t say anything for a long moment, and he stood up and began to pace. Finally she responded, speaking slowly, “on what?” 

“I have a date today.” He let out a breath. “With Eddie.” 

Finally she dropped the annoyed pretenses and let out an excited squeal. “Oh my god really? When did this happen? Chim told me he thought you two seemed closer.” 

Buck rolled his eyes, she had always been like this with his romantic life. It was nice to know some things never changed. “It’s recent, we’re going out in about an hour.” 

“What are you two doing?” 

“I don’t know. He says it’s a surprise.” 

“That’s adorable.” 

“No it’s fucking frustrating.” He said with a sigh. Even across the phone he knew she was deflating from her excitement. He was like one of those jerks that saw someone with a balloon and took out a needle and popped it. “Like, yes it’s great, and sweet, and fucking amazing. But like, I don’t deserve the type of guy that plans surprise first dates.” He explained. 

She tutted across the line, and he almost regretted calling her. But he steeled himself remembering he needed to hear whatever it was she was going to say. “Yes you do.” He scoffed, but she ignored it. “Listen to me, Eddie is your best friend. And he makes you a lot happier than I have seen you in a long time. Plus he’s a really good guy, you deserve to be happy Evan. So if this great guy wants to take you on a surprise date and woo you a bit, why not let him?” 

He shrugged, then remembered she couldn’t see him across the line. He plopped down onto the couch. “Because he knows too much about me, he shouldn’t want to. He should be running the other way. I’m going to ruin the both of us, that’s all I ever do.”  _ Just like mom always did.  _

She sighed, before speaking to him softly. “You don’t ruin people Evan. Some of the people you dated in the past just weren’t the best, you just didn’t see that at the time. But you’ve learned.” She paused, but he knew she wasn’t done so he waited for her to continue instead of replying. “You said he knows too much, does that mean you told him about your diagnosis?” She sounded hopeful. 

“Erm, no.” 

“Then?” She sounded confused. He should have just lied and told her yes. It would have been easier to explain away. 

“I mean, I’ve just told him a lot of things. He could probably guess at this point. I told him-” he paused unsure of how to word it. “I told him some stuff about what it was like growing up.” 

“Oh.” She took a deep breath. “Well, I’m proud of you for talking to someone about it. I don’t think we should get back into everything right now because you have a date soon, but can we talk about what happened yesterday at some point?” She asked. 

He frowned, running a hand down his face. He knew it was going to come up, and honestly this whole thing had gone better than he could have expected so he found himself agreeing. “Yeah, I’ll go over for coffee and we can chat.” He told her. 

“Good.” She seemed excited. “Now, get out of your head and realize that this date is a good thing. Because it is, and you aren’t going to fuck it up.” 

“But what if-” 

“Stop it, if you live through what if’s you’re only going to intimidate yourself. Just roll with it, you two are good together. You wouldn’t have agreed if you didn’t like him right?” She pointed out. 

“I do like him. I mean I never really used to think about it all that much, but now it’s all I’ve been able to think about today. Like, I didn’t even realize how much I really wanted something like this to happen? And I feel kind of dumb for not seeing it before. I just don’t want to mess up what we have. He means too much to me. Plus he comes with Chris,” he leaned his head back, slamming it onto the arm of the couch. “If I fuck this up do I lose both of them?” 

“You really think Eddie would let that happen?” She asked, and well she had a point. 

“No.” He mumbled. 

“Well then there you go. There’s no need to worry about that. Can I ask you a question without you biting my head off?” She asked, and he sat up quickly. 

“I mean, no promises.” He joked. 

“I know it’s ‘not my job’ to manage your disorder.” He could hear how thick on the sarcasm her voice was and he winced. “But did you take a PRN? If you’re this nervous it might do you some good.” 

“I never meant to tell you that you can’t ask questions or give advice Maddie. I just meant that you don’t need to make it a part of your life. You don’t need to  _ worry  _ so much about it. I want you to have your own life, I really don’t want to keep feeling guilty because I’m holding you back by being a fuckup. Mom always did.” He waited for the inevitable comment she was going to make about how it was her job to worry about him. Ready to be the asshole yet again, but it never came. He knew bringing mom into it was a step too far, it always was. But he had a right to talk about her, had a right to have a parent too. Even if it didn’t always feel that way when Maddie seemed to remember her so differently. Always seemed to be so angry with her right up until now. He didn’t know what changed. 

“Did you take one?” She asked instead. 

“Yeah, I did.” 

“That’s good.” Her voice sounded tight, and he realized she didn’t need to say anything to make him feel like an asshole. Because he was an asshole, shit. 

“I love you.” He told her, hoping it would help diffuse the situation, because he was pretty sure she was crying on the other side of the line. 

“I love you too. I’m always gonna be here. Now go get ready for your date. Tell me how it goes okay?” 

He didn’t get the chance to confirm he would because she was hanging up on him. Maybe she had been right, maybe he should call their mom. But he wasn’t stupid enough to kid himself into thinking that a conversation with her would be with  _ just  _ her. And that knowledge seized up a part of him, the part that wanted so badly to reconnect with her. See if Maddie was telling the truth, to see that she really was managing. 

He wanted to know if she would be proud of him. If they could laugh and joke about the stupid stories from when he was a kid, and he could tell her about them without blanking out parts that she wasn’t supposed to hear. Like normal kids did. 

Then reality crashed in, because he remembered that he never had to worry about not telling her anything. He got all of his bad behaviors from her, and she was too guilty about creating a damaged child that she never punished him for coming home drunk or high. He wasn’t sure they would have anything to talk about, or have in common if they were both managing because everything that they had been before was a fucked up pair that was codependent on their issues. Plus calling her came with  _ him,  _ and it was just easier to let Maddie have her new and improved family. Buck never belonged in it, and if their mother was doing good there was no reason for him to go and drag them back into a place no one wanted to be. 

Another, even deeper part of him wondered if  _ he  _ even cared that he had broken Buck’s bond with his mother. Wanted to call her out of spite, to prove that he wasn’t broken. Show that he wasn’t affected, that he was just as much a part of their family as Maddie was. But he pushed that idea into the same box that was locked up and duct taped into the corner of his mind. He didn’t need  _ him  _ affecting his actions, one way or the other. 

He resolved to just ignore the entire situation. At least until his date with Eddie was over and he could get drunk again and feel a little bit more numb if he had to do all the heavy emotional lifting. Or he could call his therapist and schedule an appointment to talk about it, like a healthy adult. Either way, it was something he needed to drop until later. 

+++ 

Figured he was going to be kept in the dark until they got wherever they were going. But when he slipped into the passenger seat a cooler in the back caught his eye. 

“Are we going on a picnic?” He asked, genuinely floored at the idea. 

Eddie laughed awkwardly and nodded. “Yeah.” He flashed Buck a quick smile before pulling back onto the road. “I know you like to spend time outside, and I figured this way it was a lot less awkward than going out to eat somewhere. We’re sort of past the get to know you stage.” He explained. 

Buck felt his heart flutter, and any feelings of guilt dissipated. “You’re amazing, you know that?” He replied. The tips of Eddie’s ears turned red, and he laughed for real this time. 

“You might not say that when you try the food.” He joked, Buck just rolled his eyes. 

“You aren’t  _ that  _ bad.” He offered, but Eddie really was that bad of a cook. Chris and him made fun of him for it all the time. 

“That is a lie, you’ve already got me on the date. You don’t need to keep buttering me up.” Eddie said laughing. 

“Fine, you’re right.” He said changing course, Eddie made a noise of hurt. 

“You didn’t take much convincing.” He said, faking offense. 

“I mean, you’re right. I don’t have to keep buttering you up. And Chris and I make fun of your cooking behind your back all the time. Relationships are built on honesty right?” He poked Eddie’s cheek, causing the other man to smile at him fondly. 

“You say ‘behind my back’ but you make fun of me right to my face.” He protested. 

Buck just shrugged. “Gotta keep it real with you man.” 

“Yeah yeah, ‘relationships are built on honesty’ and all that.” Eddie parroted. Buck just grinned at him. 

Buck wanted it to be left at that, he wanted to be satisfied with that. Because it was good, they were joking and happy. But he felt Maddie’s question weighing heavily on his mind.  _ Does that mean you told him?  _ He didn’t really feel good about hiding it from him, especially not if Eddie was going to be taking a chance on them. However it also didn’t really feel like something to bring up on a first date, even if they were out of the ‘getting to know you stage’ like Eddie had pointed out. 

Plus, Eddie probably knew right? Buck had told him so much already, about his past, and then about his mom. He could probably jump to that conclusion. It wasn’t really fair to just hope he had, and it also wasn’t fair to not be straightforward with him even if he had. Bipolar wasn’t going to break them, he knew that. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been bipolar their entire friendship leading up to it. So Eddie knowing, well it shouldn’t make things different. 

But telling him, allowing him that level of trust. Allowing him the ability to look at Buck and potentially tell him he was being symptomatic instead of just problematic? He also didn’t want to make Eddie feel like he had to be responsible for caring for that part of him, he was capable of doing that himself. He had been doing it since he was 16 and got diagnosed. It was too early, but the psychiatrist doing it had felt pretty confident in herself, and told him it was better to fudge the system a bit in order to medicate him properly. He didn’t want it to change things, because it didn’t have to, but it somehow always did. 

Soon enough though he had to stop worrying about that because they were pulling up to the park near his house, and Eddie was hopping out of the truck. Buck followed suit, and walked a bit too close to Eddie as he hauled the cooler to the spot he decided upon. He let their shoulders brush together and it felt good, felt simple. Like it was something he could do for a long time, something he could do when they had Chris with them walking around the park. 

He watched, as Eddie set them up, gazing appreciatively as the shirt spread itself over his shoulders. Eddie caught him and winked, as he plopped himself down on the blanket reaching a hand out to Buck to pull him down as well. 

Buck went willingly, leaning into Eddie’s space a bit. Because this was the part he was good at. “You look nice, I like the red.” 

Eddie smiled, running a hand down his shirt to smooth it out. “That’s funny Chris thought you would.” 

Buck raised an eyebrow. “You asked Chris for help getting dressed for this?”  _ He already told Chris about this?  _

“I wanted to look nice okay!” He said, looking off into the distance. 

Buck took pity on him, “well it worked. You look very nice. Chris has good taste, I knew he was my favorite Diaz for a reason.” He teased. 

Eddie didn’t even bother fighting it. “Yeah, he’s mine too.” He smiled looking at the cooler, “so food?” 

+++

Eddie was pleased. The date was going well, Buck spent most of his time pressed into Eddie’s personal space, and well he wasn’t complaining. They had always been close, tactile. But now it was intentional and he felt like his side was lighting up on fire from where Buck was pressed into it. He had even liked the food, despite the fact that it was relatively simple. 

“So when did you realize you were bi? I feel like we never talked about it before?” Buck asked him. 

He shrugged. “I don’t really know. I just kind of came home one day in the fifth grade and told Adri that I wanted to marry my best friend at the time. He was a boy, and from there it was just simple? She reacted fine, teased me about it. Then I got a little older, and actually kissed another boy. Dated a few boys, dated a few girls. It was never a big thing? Like it was always just there. I’m bad at explaining it.” When he started dating Shannon it simply didn’t matter anymore. It wasn’t that he had chosen a side, but he had picked a partner. 

“Adri sounds pretty great. She’s your oldest sister right?” Buck asked. 

“Yeah. Don’t tell Sophia but she’s my favorite.” He said, and Buck laughed brightly. 

“Don’t worry your secret's safe with me.” 

“What about you? When did you realize you were bi?” He asked. 

Buck sighed. “College.” It was a lot more firm of an answer than Eddie’s had been. “It was pretty hard to accept at first, because I wasn’t sure if I was  _ actually  _ bi. Or if I was just, I don’t know used to it?” Buck stared at him, as if he was asking if Eddie got it. Eddie nodded slightly, he was talking about his stepfather, and there was a now familiar rush of anger running through him. He pushed it away knowing that wasn't what Buck needed. “Yeah, so it was a confusing time. Luckily college was a pretty great time for experimentation. There was this guy Tyler who pretty much taught me everything I needed to know about being with a man.” 

Eddie knew it was stupid to be jealous of someone that Buck had been with in the past, but then again. Eddie was stupid sometimes. “Did you come out then?” He asked. 

Buck shrugged. “Sort of? I mean I don’t think my mom ever knew. I never really told her. But I hooked up with  _ a lot  _ of people back then. So it probably got around pretty fast. I went to pride with Tyler too. I came out to Maddie? But I mean, I kind of had to, she caught me in bed with another guy so.” 

“Would you have told her if she didn’t?” Up until recently, it had seemed like Buck and Maddie had everything so figured out. But now, it looked like they had a lot of cracks in the foundation. Eddie realized he hadn’t known Buck without Maddie like the rest of the team had, so it was probably why he had just accepted them as a unit. 

“I mean eventually. I tell her everything eventually, well  _ almost.”  _ Eddie nodded. That sounded a lot more like the Buck and Maddie he knew. 

“How did she react to it?” 

“The walking in on me thing? Not great, she was pretty pissed, I told her that we would go out for dinner, but then she came a little too early. She was supposed to be ‘meeting my roommate’ Tyler was scared of her for months. The actual sexuality part of it all? She was fine, said it didn’t matter to her.” He laughed at the memory. 

There was that name again. Eddie wished he could stop himself, but of course he was asking. “It sounds like you and Tyler were close. Do you still talk?” 

Buck looked at him carefully. “Yes, sometimes. But he’s in a very committed relationship with his loving boyfriend. And everything that happened with us is long over if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

Eddie shook his head no. “Nah, I’m not worried. He sounds like a good friend. I’m glad you didn’t lose that.” He had no reason to be jealous. He just needed to remind himself of that. 

“Speaking of good friends, tell me about yours. I feel like you don’t see anyone outside of the 118.” Buck said. 

“I left most of my friends back home in Texas. But I mean as far as ‘good friends’ go I had the guys I served with. Back home I had Chris and Shannon. And now I have you.” He tried not to be embarrassed. 

It wasn’t like Eddie didn’t have  _ friends.  _ He did! He just didn’t have close friends, the kind that you checked in on everyday. Or went to when you wanted company. He had Buck for that. Back home he had his sisters. Saying that however made him feel lame. 

“You do have me.” Buck said, laying his head on Eddie’s shoulder. 

It felt good. Just people watching with Buck leaning on him. But he had to check his watch, and ruin the moment. “We have to pack up so I can get Chris on time.” He said quietly. 

Buck moved off of him and smiled. “Want me to come with? Or do you need to hide evidence of the date away from the little dude?” He teased, clearly thinking back on when Eddie had said he snuck Shannon away from Chris. 

He blushed as he realized he was going to have to explain to Buck that he may have jumped the gun on telling Chris. “Uh, no. I mean yes I want you to come. No, I don’t need to hide you. I told him we were going out last night.” Buck just looked at him patiently waiting for him to finish. “We talked about me eventually dating after Shannon died, and I wanted to make sure I was keeping an open narrative with him.” He finished. 

Buck just smiled. “Sounds good.” 

“Not weird?” 

“Not unless you make it weird.” He confirmed, like it was simple. 

“I won’t.” Eddie agreed. 

“Don’t make this weird either?” Buck asked. Eddie was going to ask for clarification, but Buck was leaning in pressing their lips together gently. His hand was on Eddie’s cheek, gently cradling his face. It was so different, so much gentler than their first kiss. And Eddie was pressing into it, happy he didn’t have to force himself to pull away this time. 

He realized he was smiling into the kiss, when he felt Buck smile back. He pulled away, but covered Buck’s hand with his own keeping them close together. “I definitely won’t make that weird.” He teased. 

Buck rolled his eyes, before pressing forward kissing him again. Eddie was on cloud nine. But Buck was pulling back too soon, standing up and sticking a hand down to pull Eddie up with him. “We’re going to be late if we don’t get a move on.” He explained. 

Eddie didn’t want to admit that kissing Buck had almost made him forget that they were supposed to be packing up to get Chris, but well. He would have remembered before it was too late, he was sure. So he nodded, packing up the stuff, putting it into the truck so that they could get on the road and hopefully beat some of the LA traffic. 

He interlaced his fingers with Buck’s as they were on the road, driving one handed. Buck just smiled at him, and continued the line of questioning that had started in the park. Because apparently first dates really did just come with questions. No matter how well you knew the person. 

“So why is Adriana your favorite sister?” He asked, and Eddie paused trying to think of the answer carefully. 

“I love them both, believe me. I would take a bullet for either of them. They’re my  _ sisters.  _ But things with Adri were always just easier. Sophia is kind of a busybody, she was always in my stuff, or my space, my business. I just wanted to be left alone at times, and Adri always got that. She still gets that. She teases me yeah, she’s my older sister. I wouldn’t expect anything else. But at the same time, she’s on my side defending me.” Eddie hoped he was explaining it right. Because he really did love Sophia. Even if she got on his nerves a lot. 

“I get that. I don’t doubt that you love them both, you just have different relationships with them.” Buck said, and Eddie nodded. 

“Exactly.” He was glad he got it. “You said you have other half siblings? How many?” He asked. 

Buck tapped his fingers gently where they were interlocked on Eddie’s hand. “Four. I’m smack dab in the middle.” 

“Are you all close?” Eddie asked, but he figured he knew the answer. Seeing as Buck had never mentioned them before, had never even mentioned that Maddie was a half sibling or that his dad was dead. 

“No. But I mean, I don’t really think it’s any of our faults?” He sounded like he was trying to figure out the best way to explain it so Eddie asked another question in the interim. 

“What are their names?” 

Buck had an easier time with that luckily, even with the distance between all of them. “Savannah, she’s the oldest. She’s 32 now. Then Caroline, she’s 30. Then the two younger ones, Zoey and Ryder. They’re 26, and 25. They’re full blooded siblings.” He explained. 

“Did you know about them growing up?” He asked. 

Buck shook his head no, but then bit his lip. “I mean no, but sort of yes? I didn’t know until I started spending time with my dad when I was like 10. And I didn’t know anything about them until I started living with him off and on. I only met them when I was 18.” He said. 

“At the funeral?” Eddie guessed. It was shocking to know that Buck had never met them before. Especially knowing that two of them were so close in age to him. 

“Yeah. Zo and Ry’s mom, Oliva reached out to my mom at one point. She didn’t take it well, said she wanted nothing to do with anything attached to my father. And Sav, and Care had their own lives. We sort of tried? But I mean meeting at a funeral makes for a pretty awkward introduction.” He said, a frown etched on his face. 

Eddie almost regretted asking seeing how upset Buck clearly was about it. But he was also glad he knew now. “Well at least you have Maddie.” He offered. 

He wanted to take it back the second it slipped out of his mouth, realizing he had forgotten about the fact that the two of them were currently fighting. “Yeah.” Buck said, before Eddie could berate himself too much. “She was pretty excited to hear about the date.” He added. 

“You talked to her about it?” He asked, shocked. 

“You surprised I talk about you?” Buck teased. Eddie shrugged, he was more surprised that Buck was talking to Maddie about anything after what had happened the day before. 

“You guys make up?” He asked. 

“I mean, if avoiding the topic counts as making up then sure. We made up.” He confirmed. 

“Why would you call her if you weren’t talking about that?” He asked, confused. Buck gave him a look like he was an idiot. 

“To talk about you.” He said after a minute, realizing that Eddie clearly wasn’t getting it. He blushed high on his cheeks. Which was stupid, because he had done the same exact thing with Adri. But it was nice to know that Buck did it too, even when he was fighting with Maddie. 

“All good things I hope?” 

“Just about how I’m an idiot who overthinks things.” Buck said, before tensing. “Don’t worry, she’s firmly on your side.” He continued. 

“There’s a side to take?” He asked, and Buck sighed. 

“If I tell you something, do you promise not to be weird about it?” He asked, and Eddie glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, trying to watch the road. But he also wanted to gauge where Buck’s head was at. 

“I promise.” He confirmed, squeezing their hands together for good measure. 

Buck took a deep breath, before launching off into a rant that Eddie had no hope of interrupting. “I’m bipolar. And yeah, I know in comparison to well, pretty much everything that I told you the other night that probably doesn’t seem like a big deal. And I  _ don’t want  _ it to be. But it feels weird not telling you? Especially now that you know everything else. I know I talked about how my mom was this terrible parent at times. But she honestly wasn’t a bad mother, it was just complicated. And I swear that even with that, and the disorder I would never treat Chris wrong. I know how you’re supposed to raise a kid, and I would never let him go through what I went through.” 

He sounded like he was going to wind himself into a hole, so Eddie spoke loud enough to cut him off, “Buck.” 

“Yes?” He asked, wide eyed awaiting Eddie’s reaction. 

“It doesn’t change anything, you’re the same you that you’ve always been. And I know that you’re amazing with Chris, I have  _ never  _ doubted that.” Buck let out a breath, and the tension seemed to flood out of his body. 

“Okay,” he nodded to himself. “Okay, good. I’m glad.” 

Eddie knew he should have left well enough alone, but they had another few minutes before they would even be close to Chris’s school, and then they would have him to act as a buffer. So he found himself opening his mouth again. “Do you miss your mom?” 

“What do you mean?” Buck asked, he was staring at Eddie. And he looked like the question caught him completely off guard. 

“I mean, you’ve never talked about her before. Not to any of us. But you’ve had to talk about her a lot recently, with everything with Maddie.” He breezed by their argument not wanting to get stuck on it. “And you’ve told me some stuff about it. It sounds like you really loved her, even if it was complicated.” 

Buck was silent, so he looked over. He almost wished he didn’t because he was looking at him like Eddie had the answer to all the secrets of the universe. It was nearly overwhelming to think about the level of trust he had with him. “I don’t know.” He muttered. 

“Oh.” 

“I mean, I sometimes think I do? Like I’ll think of her and something good about her. It was easier before Maddie said she called her, because both of us weren’t talking to her, or about her. And whenever I felt like I missed something about her, there was no- no  _ guilt  _ attached to it.” He explained. “But now Maddie said she called, and it makes me feel like I should. And part of me  _ wants to.”  _

“So why don’t you?” He asked, he tried to keep his voice open. Make sure it didn’t sound like he was suggesting Buck do one thing over another. 

“For the same reason I never called before. Every time I ever wanted to reach for the phone I was just so nervous that I would call and  _ he  _ would pick up the phone. Or if he didn't, she would pass it to him to say I should talk to him. And if I never called I could live in this bubble that maybe she left him, maybe she realized that I was right. That he was a bad person. Or maybe she got bad again, and because he’s a bad person he left her. I could live in this bubble that they weren’t together anymore.” 

Eddie wished he hadn’t done this so close to Chris’ school, he eyed the clock taking them down a side street. They still had time. “But then Maddie told you they were still together.” He said, guessing at where Buck was being held up now. 

“My bubble popped.” He confirmed. “And, I know that I can’t go up to my mom after all of these years and tell her ‘hi, I know we haven’t talked since I was 23. But hey, I’m a firefighter I’m doing great for myself. Also maybe divorce your husband because he likes to touch little kids in bad ways.’ Especially not if she’s in a good place. I can’t wreck that for her. And I can’t wreck Maddie’s family.” He shrugged, running his free hand through his hair. 

“You’re right, that probably wouldn’t go over very well. But speaking as a parent, if something like that ever happened to Chris. It wouldn’t matter how many years passed by. I would still stick by him if he told me.” He said gently. He tried to ignore the ‘Maddie’s family’ comment. It still hurt to know that Buck felt like he didn’t deserve a family. Especially when he had one with him and Chris. 

“Yeah, well. You’re a really good dad.” Buck told him. “My mom was a lot of things, but you can ask Maddie, she wasn’t always the best mother.” 

“It’s your choice on whether or not you tell her, or Maddie. Or anyone Buck.” He stressed. “And I’ll be here for you if you ever do.” 

“I know.” Buck smiled. “Now stop taking detours, and go get Chris. I’m not going to break down.” 

Eddie nodded, but he still kept half an eye on him. Buck had gone from sobbing in his bathroom and vomiting up his guts at the mere memory of his step father, to making apparent jokes about how to tell his mother. Eddie knew it was a coping mechanism, which meant he knew it wasn’t something he was exactly over. 

The second Chris was in the car however, it seemed like the conversation was forgotten, both his son and Buck lighting up. They were quickly talking about how Chris’ day at school went, and Chris was asking if Buck would come over and build legos with them. Buck nodded, sending a smile Eddie’s way, and just like that, things were simple again. 

+++

Buck let himself into his apartment after his day with Eddie and Chris. He told them he couldn’t spend the night because he needed to shower before their shift the next day, which was true. But he also needed some time to decompress. He also wasn’t sure if he was supposed to stay in the guest room, or Eddie’s room? And he really didn’t feel like getting into that confusion when things had been good. He would rather they ended well. 

And god the date was really good. Eddie planned a picnic for Christ's sake. Simply because Buck liked to be outside. The whole thing was just amazing, and he kissed him without it being weird. So not weird in fact that they kissed again at the door after Chris had fallen asleep and Buck was heading out to leave. It really was simple, like Maddie had told him it would be if he didn’t overthink it. 

Eddie was great. He was sweet, and he reacted well to the Bipolar thing. And literally every other thing Buck had thrown at him so far. But Buck was still stuck on the question Eddie had asked him.  _ Do you miss your mom?  _

He hated that he couldn’t just lie, say no. Because he could never lie to Eddie. Who was so understanding, who told him the perfect thing at every turn. Who told him it was his choice if he wanted to tell anyone. 

He hadn’t wished he had told her in a long time. Because he didn’t want to tell her, not anymore. He was long past the point where he thought it would fix anything. It wouldn’t, all it would do was hurt everyone involved. But Eddie made him  _ wish  _ he had told her before. When he was younger. Not just speaking up at 10 and saying that he felt uncomfortable with  _ him  _ in the house. 

Eddie made him wish he had told him mom ‘something not right is happening.’ Wish he had spoken up despite the threats  _ he  _ made. Because his mom broke up with  _ him.  _ Got him out of the house. But Buck was still so goddamn afraid that he would hurt Maddie like he threatened to if Buck ever opened his mouth. Was too afraid to let anyone get hurt but himself. 

He still was. He still knew that if it was just him with some issues,  _ no tobacco, no oranges, no foo fighters, no calling home, no saying his name, no relationship with his mother, no visiting his father's grave because it was in the same state.  _ Well it was better than making everyone suffer with him. 

The cycle had gone on for too long for him to take it back, there was no time machine, no do overs. So all Buck was left with was regret. Regret and a hate for himself for always having been too much of a coward to speak up. He could at least reason that not speaking up now wasn’t an act of cowardice,  _ it probably still was,  _ a voice in his head added that sounded suspiciously like Maddie. But instead a preservation tactic. 

He realized he was still leaning against his door, staring at nothing in the dark. So he forced his feet into gear. Heading up the stairs to take his meds, before heading to the bathroom to get ready for the night. He showered quickly, attempting to ignore the thoughts cycling through his head. Just a war with himself of how bad could it really be to call his mother? 

Finally he got out, drying off and putting on sweatpants. He made the decision to call Maddie. “Hey, what’s up it’s pretty late.” She answered. 

He frowned. “I’m sorry, I hadn’t thought about the time. If you’re busy I can let you go.” He told her. 

“No, it’s fine. Are you home? How did your date go?” She asked. He heard shuffling on her end, and faintly heard Chim in the background. 

“I am yeah. It was really good, you were right. Once I got out of my head, it was a lot more simple.” 

“Good, I knew it would be.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Is that what you called for?” She asked. 

He paused and sighed. “No.” 

“What’s up?” She asked again, she tense. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

“Always.” 

“Can you not be weird about it?” 

She sighed lightly. “I can try.” She agreed. 

He sighed as well, but he supposed that was better than nothing. “If I asked you to tell me about how mom was doing, without talking about your dad. Could you do that for me.” 

There was silence on the other end of the line for a minute, before she let out a huff. He could tell she was pursing her lips as she answered. “If that’s what it’s going to take to get you to talk to mom. Then I guess I can do that.” She finally said. 

“Thank you.” He replied earnestly. 

“I still don’t understand what this is all about.” She told him, her tone clear that she didn’t like it. “But that’s something we can talk about over coffee. What do you want to know?” 

He shrugged, flopping down onto his bed staring at his ceiling in the dark. “You said she’s managing?” 

“Yeah, she said it was a real wake up call for her once you left for South America, and I cut off contact because of Doug. She had been better because of-” she paused. It was clear she was going to say because of  _ him.  _ But she changed course, and Buck loved her for it. “Because she wasn’t alone. But it wasn’t until the two of us were gone that she realized she really needed to get her act together if she wanted to have a relationship with us if we ever came back.” 

Buck frowned. “So you’re doing it? You believe her?” He asked. His mom had pulled the same stunt a few times when Maddie had left before. It had never really stuck. So he wasn’t really sure why she was willing to give the whole ‘perfect family’ shtick a go now. 

“I do.” She replied, like it meant something. 

“But why?” He asked, not caring if it sounded rude. 

“Well for starters, someone I won’t mention,” she drawled, “helped with that vote of confidence.” He winced. “But also because it’s different from the times she lost me before.” She explained. 

“Not really.” 

“Yes really.” She retorted, and he felt like they were kids again. 

“Yeah, how?” He challenged. 

“Because she lost you too this time.” Oh.  _ Oh.  _ He didn’t know how to reply to her, and it seemed like she knew it too. Because she went on. “Whenever I left before, she always had you to fall back on. Even in college, you and mom had your weird little fucked up relationship. No offense.” She told him.

He wasn’t sure how that was supposed to be taken without offense, because sure he said it himself. But hearing Maddie tell him that? It hurt to know that even she could tell that his relationship with their mother was fucked up. Which is why he didn’t deserve to come mess it up again. Not when she had always tried to be good for Maddie, when it never mattered enough to be good for him.  _ Buck  _ never mattered enough. 

“But then you got better, you started to actually manage for real. And you left, and you never went home.” Maddie said. “You didn’t call when you got back, and I stopped calling, and suddenly she didn’t have either of us anymore. I think it sort of broke her. That you got better first.” 

Buck snorted. “Shouldn’t she have  _ wanted  _ me to get better?” He asked. 

“I never said she didn’t. But I mean come Evan don’t be naive, you minored in psychology. You know what codependent relationships are like, and you and mom were textbook. You don’t think it hurt her when you broke that bond?” Despite the fact that she was bringing  _ his degree  _ into the conversation. She was talking down to him. Acting like she understood the concept better than he did. 

He rolled his eyes, glad they weren’t having this conversation in person. It made things easier if she couldn’t see his reactions. “So what, you wanted me to have a, I’m sorry what were your words? ‘Weird little fucked up relationship’ with our mom for the rest of our lives? Would that have been better for you?” He was being antagonistic, he knew that. But there was something about the way Maddie talked down to him that always got his hackles up. 

“No. I never said that, god! I’m just saying that it hurt her when you left, you’re the one who asked Evan.” She paused slightly, but he didn’t have a reply yet. She must have taken it for him, ignoring her because she got harsh in her next comment. “But I mean sure, maybe if you kept your fucked up relationship with mom I would be able to talk to my dad without having to fucking worry about pissing you off. So maybe I do wish you had done that.” 

He dropped the phone, and felt all of the breath leaving his body at once. He tried to do the counts in his head,  _ one two three four, in. One two, three, four, hold. One, two, three, four, out.  _ He picked the phone back up. 

“I was out of line.” He said quietly. He was pretty sure there were tears in the corner of his eyes. 

“So was I.” She replied back just as quiet. “I shouldn’t have said that. It wasn’t fair to you.” 

He shrugged. “So, what did you and her talk about?” He asked instead of lingering on the knowledge that he and Maddie were a little too fucked up. That they liked to hit where it hurt for no reason. 

“I called her on her birthday, I don’t know why. I hadn’t done it in a while, but I guess I felt like I was in a really good place. Like it wasn’t going to matter if she wasn’t doing well, because I was? So I called her to wish her a happy birthday, and she was so excited.” She revealed. 

It eased a part of Buck to know that Maddie didn’t call with the idea of the perfect family in mind. That maybe in her mind things were just as broken as they were in his. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, she asked if I had time to talk, and I did. So she just started filling me in on everything, talking about-” she cut herself off again. “Her marriage, this job she got. She’s been there for a few years now. She’s a receptionist now.” It hurt to hear how happy Maddie sounded for her, knowing that Buck still wouldn’t be able to call. But he figured he could at least live vicariously somehow. “Apparently it’s ‘her calling.’ She’s really happy with it. They got a cat.” She added. 

“It sounds like she really is doing good.” Buck said kindly. 

“You could hear all of this from her yourself you know. They- she asked about you a lot.” Maddie told him gently. 

He should have left it. She caught herself, but he had still heard it. And he needed to know. “Yeah? What did you tell them?”  _ What had she told him?  _

“I told them that you were a firefighter now, how you’re awesome at your job. I told them about the ladder truck, mom was really worried. I assured her that you’re all patched up and good now. Dad was shocked that you went back to work after that.” Of course he was. Buck was never good enough. “Sorry, leaving him out of it, per your request.” She amended. “I mainly just told them that you’re doing really good for yourself.” 

Buck noted that in that entire conversation, she had never mentioned his mother being proud of him. Just worried. “Is she upset that I’m not using my degree?” 

“I mean, I think she was confused.” Maddie told him carefully. “So was I. But you didn’t pay for it, and in the end firefighting isn't going to last forever, that degree will.” 

She was right, and she wasn’t being rude when she said it. But he hated the way she could so casually tell him that his job, his  _ livelihood,  _ wouldn’t last forever. “I mean, you don’t do nursing anymore.” He pointed out. “Not everyone stays in the career path they choose in college.” 

“You’re right. But you never really went into it did you?” She asked. “I think she was just worried that it was a manic decision. Bartending in South America, trying to join the SEALS, and then being a firefighter. It just wasn’t the path she had in mind for you.” He could practically hear the ‘ _ you could have been so much more’,  _ dripping from her words.

“You told her about all of that?” He asked. He tried to hide the hurt in his voice, but it came through clearly if Maddie’s reply was any indication. 

“I also told her that you’ve been a firefighter for two years, and that there was nothing rash about the decision.” She assured him. 

“Thanks.” He mumbled. “Hey, I have a shift tomorrow. But I’ll text you to meet for coffee okay? Thanks for indulging me.” 

“Of course. I love you.” She told him. 

“Love you too,” He replied before hanging up the phone. 

Of course his mom hadn’t been proud of him. She had been so elated when he got the scholarship to Dartmouth, she told anyone who would listen. It embarrassed the hell out of him, but he secretly loved it. It was a scholarship to a goddamn Ivy League. He had done it, he had gotten out, despite a shitty father, stepfather, crappy childhood. He had managed. It was a better school than Maddie had managed to get into. 

So why had he kid himself for so long into thinking that his mother would be anything but disappointed that he wasn’t putting that education to use. It wouldn’t matter to her,  _ them,  _ that he was a firefighter and EMT. Or that he put he was amazing at his job, and he actually was using his degree just in a roundabout way. 

He fell asleep eventually, staring upwards, with a dissatisfied feeling in his chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think in the comments! And to all of you who have been commenting so far, thank you so so much! I know I haven't gotten back to all of you, but reading your comments fills my heart with such joy and fuels my creative fire.  
> I also saw that a lot of you are hating Maddie, I promise she's not trying to be a shitty sister all the time. She's just confused, and doesn't have all the information. ALSO! We finally got that date! Next chapter we head back into angst land (I mean we technically never left, but still.)  
> National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673  
> National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233  
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Or as always in case of any emergency call 9-1-1.


	4. When did you learn to bake?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Maddie finally sit down and have their conversation. She drops a bomb on him, and Eddie has to deal with the aftermath as the self appointed Buckley Sibling Whisperer. Pillow forts ensued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!  
> Trigger warning as always: mentions of past sexual abuse of a minor, flashbacks, minor suicidal idealization, nightmares. Talk of triggers, and negative self talk towards mental illness.  
> Alright y'all, I told you to buckle up for angst. Be warned that in terms of triggers, this is the most in depth Buck goes, but it still is not vividly described assault. Please just be careful, I love you all so much!

There was only another hour left on the shift, and Buck found himself wishing for the first time in a long time, since he had first started really. For a time consuming emergency, something that wouldn’t allow them to get off when he was meant to, at shift change. No casualties of course, he wasn’t a sadist, but he also wasn’t a masochist and he knew the coffee plans he had with Maddie directly after his shift were going to hurt. 

Of course, for once LA had decided to be slow on the emergencies that day. The entire shift had been relatively lax, which normally he would consider amazing. He would be overjoyed about it. But he wanted something to do, anything to get his mind off of everything in his life, but things really were not working out for him. 

Eddie had been great the entire shift, sticking close to him. It was easy, like nothing had changed. Which was a relief because Buck thought if their work relationship changed because of the date he might have screamed. They flirted a bit more, and he was happy for things to continue to heat up outside of the station. But at work he needed normalcy, it felt like his entire life was changing outside of it yet again. 

“You got a minute to help me out with something kid?” Bobby asked him, nodding towards the kitchen. Buck nodded following him. He was unsure of where it was going because it was too late on the shift for them to be cooking anything, but he wasn’t going to say no to being able to take some space. 

“What’s up Bobby?” He asked, and Bobby pointed to some ingredients on the counter. 

“We’re making cookie dough.” He said, like it explained anything. 

“Does Harry have a bake sale or something?” 

“No, I overheard you mention to Chim that you and Maddie were going to have a sit down today and I figured you could bring the dough over. We don’t have time to make the cookies, but it’ll give you both something to do. Plus it’ll give us time to chat.” Bobby was smiling, which put him at ease. He wasn’t in trouble, he wasn’t even sure what he would be in trouble for. His minor meltdown happened long enough ago that it was too late to be an issue. But his instinct was always, stop  _ danger ahead.  _

“Chat about what?” He asked, picking up a measuring cup. He glanced at the recipe Bobby left on the counter before measuring out some flour carefully. 

“Athena didn’t tell me what the two of you talked about,” he started. Buck forced himself to continue his actions. “But I think we can all tell that tensions got pretty high with you and Maddie the other day. That and all the stuff you told us about your past. I wanted you to know that I’m here for you kid.” 

Buck poured the flour into the bowl, before moving onto the baking soda. “I know that.” He confirmed. “I really didn’t mean to bring my family drama into work. It won’t happen again.” He continued, measuring out salt. He mixed those ingredients together lightly. 

“You didn’t really bring it, it was brought to you.” Bobby defended. Buck looked up at him in surprise. “Athena made sure to point that out to me.” 

He nodded, that made sense. “Your wife is a smart woman.” He moved to grab another bowl for the sugar and other ingredients. 

“Do you make cookies often?” Bobby asked him, watching his movements clearly impressed. 

Buck shrugged. “Not really anymore, I used to make them a lot as a kid.” His mom had a sweet tooth, and she would sit him up on the counter. Tell him that the best cookies took patience, that he had to follow the recipe the right way or they wouldn’t taste right. He couldn’t just throw everything into one bowl and hope for the best. ‘Some things need more care than others Evan,’ she would tell him. ‘And that’s okay because once you get it down, it’s easy.’ He shook his head of the memory. 

“Maddie teach you?” He guessed. 

“No, Maddie throws everything in all at once and hopes for the best. Her cookies always come out lumpy and a little burnt, don’t tell her I said that though.” He said pointing the fork at Bobby, who raised his hands in innocence. 

“Your secret is safe with me.” He was laughing, and Buck joined in. 

“My mom taught me,” he revealed. It didn’t hurt like he thought it might to talk about it. But it helped that Bobby was easy to talk to. “She couldn’t cook worth a damn, that was Maddie’s forte. But she could bake, she taught me everything I know about it.” He finished mixing the wet ingredients, and poured them in with the flour concoction. 

“Next time you come over for dinner you can bring dessert then. Athena says we need to have you again, and May is having issues with her physics homework. She says you’re the best with it.” He was smiling, and it made something unclench in Buck. 

This was his family. This was the one he chose, and made. He got to have them. “Just name a day and I’ll be there. You know I’ll never pass up on you or ‘Thena’s cooking.” 

“I will.” Buck nodded, grabbing the bag of chocolate chips pouring some into the batter. “What are you doing with those? The measuring cup is right there.” Bobby asked, affronted at his behavior. 

“Nope.” He said with a smile, pouring more in. 

“I thought you said you knew how to bake.” Bobby pointed out, it was lighthearted. 

“I do, which is why I know you just gotta measure some shit with your heart.” He lifted the bag, twisting it off. “That’s enough.” He confirmed looking down at the batter. 

Bobby raised his hands, rolling his eyes a bit. “You know what, I’m staying out of it. I don’t have to eat these, Maddie does. If they turn out terribly I had nothing to do with it.” 

“Exactly.” He mixed the batter, smiling down at it. Bobby had succeeded in giving him something to do to get his mind off of things before he needed to leave, and he was more than grateful for it. “Thank you.” He said. 

Bobby shrugged. “This was all you kid.” 

“Sure it was.” He agreed, deciding not to get into it if Bobby wasn’t. He was just going to let things be for once. 

+++

Buck paused before Maddie’s apartment door, he had the cookie batter firmly in one hand and his keys in the other. It felt awkward to just let himself into her apartment when they were fighting, or not quite fighting but doing whatever this was. But she had never had any issue doing it before, so he tried the door, happy to find it unlocked so he didn’t need to use his key. 

“Maddie, I’m here. I brought a gift.” He called, as he slid off his shoes.

She popped her head out of the kitchen. “In here! I’m making coffee. What’s the gift, please say it’s food related.” 

“You are in luck. Bobby and I made cookie dough before the shift ended, we just need to stick it in the oven.” He came into the kitchen, and placed the bowl on the counter next to her. Leaning back onto it, waiting for her to pass him a mug of coffee. 

“I mean, we could do that.” She agreed slowly, passing him a mug of black coffee. “Or, we could just eat the cookie dough raw. Bobby would never even know.” 

He rolled his eyes. “You’re going to make yourself sick.” 

“You’re no fun.” She retorted, sticking her tongue out at him. 

“I’ll make you a deal.” 

“What are the terms?” 

“You pull out the pans, and preheat the oven. I’ll ball the dough, but only cook half of it and you can eat the other half.” He stuck a hand out towards her. “Do you accept?” 

“I accept.” She agreed, putting her hand in his shaking firmly. She burst out laughing as she turned to get the pans. He moved to the sink, rolling up his sleeves washing his hands as she set them out on the counter. 

He dried them off, and took the lid off of the bowl sticking his hands in. She snuck a hand in stealing a piece of dough. He batted her hands away. “I get why mom used to get so annoyed when you did that now. You literally only steal chocolate chips.” He whined. 

She rolled her eyes at him. “That’s because they’re the good part, duh.” She moved to the oven pressing a few buttons, before grabbing her coffee leaning against the counter. “Speaking of mom,” she began. 

“I really did that to myself didn’t I?” He asked. 

“It did help me a lot. I thought I was going to have to force a weird segue. Thanks for giving me one.” She smiled brightly at him. He rolled his eyes, but started at her waiting for her to get on with it. “Have you given any more thought to calling her?” She asked. 

Buck thought about lying, telling her yes to just get her off his back. But it also felt wrong to lie to her when the entire point of this conversation, this get together was for them to talk. “I’ve given it thought.” 

“Which means you aren’t going to call.” She finished for him. 

“No.” He agreed. He looked to see her frowning at him. “Not yet at least, not for a while.”  _ Not ever, not as long as  _ **_he_ ** _ was still there.  _ But Maddie didn’t need to know that. 

“Can you at least explain to me why?” She asked. 

He frowned, dropping a ball of dough onto the pan a little too hard before picking up the next. “I just need more time.”  _ Forever preferably.  _

“You’ve had  _ four years.  _ How much longer do you need?” 

“I don’t know Maddie.” He huffed. 

She sighed, and put her mug down putting her hand on his arm. “You won’t be able to see any of her change if you don’t give her a chance. Just call her, see how it goes. Then determine if you still need more time. But I think the person you’re avoiding, and the person she is now. They’re two different people.” 

Ha, she had hit the nail on the head and she didn’t even know it. Buck almost wanted to scream at her. That yes! The person he was avoiding and his mother were two different people, two very different people. He just shrugged however, and continued to roll the cookies out. 

“I’ll consider it.” He agreed. 

“I’m really glad that you said that.” She told him, relief evident on her face. 

He paused, guard going up. “Why, what did you do?” He asked. 

She shook her head no. “Nothing, don’t worry about it.” He went to open his mouth, because  _ clearly  _ it wasn’t nothing. But she was cutting him off before he could. “Could we talk about the elephant in the room now please?” 

_ No.  _ “Sure, what about it?” He asked, wishing he didn’t have his hands in cookie dough. Or that he hadn’t taken off his shoes. Maybe he just shouldn’t have come to the apartment at all actually. 

“When did this whole thing with my dad start?” She asked, eyeing him. 

He forced himself to not tense. He moved, putting one pan in the oven. “Set a ten minute timer please?” He asked. She nodded, and he got started on the next pan. “What ‘whole thing’?” He asked, instead of trying to answer. 

He wasn’t going to tell her anything until he knew how deep she thought it ran. Refused to tell her it went back to the age of 8, that it wrecked his entire life. Traumatized him, that he would never be the same. Wouldn’t tell her that just thinking about him made Buck want to open the oven back up and crawl inside just to avoid the topic. 

“I mean this whole, ‘not my dad’ thing. The not wanting anything at all to do with him thing. You two used to get along so well when you were younger.” She lamented. 

The ball in his hand was flattened as he clenched his hand into a fist trying to breathe. Gotten along so well? Was that how she saw it? How his mother had seen it?  _ Going to concerts, making him drinks at night, learning how to drive in his car.  _ Buck tried to breathe, but he felt himself slipping further.  _ Wishing he had a lock on his bedroom door because maybe then he could protect himself. Begging his mom to spend time with him again, to stop letting ‘boys nights’ happen. Deciding not to make a fuss anymore because it wasn’t doing anything and drinking and smoking to forget instead.  _

He shook his head a few times to clear it out, before looking down at the batter squished between his fingers. Maddie was staring at him with worry, and fear in her eyes. He moved to the sink, scrapping the batter he had messed up into it, trying to consider his answer. “I don’t know, things changed when mom and him got married I guess.” He decided. 

They had, because Buck thought it was all over. Had a few glorious months after the wedding where it ended. The longest break he had gotten since they broke up. Thought that chapter of his life had ended and he was finally fucking free, but he wasn’t. And somehow that fucked with him more than it ever happening in the first place. 

“Is that why you started spending more time with your dad?” She asked, as if it was a puzzle she could put together. Like if she got all the pieces together her family would be whole again. Buck hated that he would never be able to give that to her. 

“Yeah, I guess so.” He said, picking up his coffee and taking a sip. 

“So this whole, ‘he’s not my dad’ thing?” She said, not antagonistic for once. “Is that because you dad died. Because I really thought that you didn’t like Tom all that much. You always said he was an asshole.” 

Buck shrugged, looking down at his feet. “Yeah I guess so.” The lie felt thick in his throat. “And I didn’t really like Tom all that much, but I don’t know. After I started actually seeing him, I guess it was different. He was less of an  _ idea  _ you know? Yeah he was as shitty of a guy as mom said he was. But he was also a real person, that was really my dad.” 

“I sort of remember when she dated him you know.” Buck looked up at her wide eyed. 

“Really?” 

“Is that so shocking Buck? I was 8. Plus it was pretty memorable, I got you out of it.” She teased. 

_ 8 was just an eventful time for both of us huh?  _ He thought bitterly. “What was he like back then?” He asked. “Mom never really talked about him, and by the time I knew him he was pretty much just a raging drunk.” He explained. 

“He wasn’t the worst of her exes. He was pretty cool at first, told me that he had two daughters that he hoped turned out just like me. Back then I didn’t realize it was weird that he never saw them. But he seemed like he wanted what was best for them. It’s Savannah and what Zoey right?” She asked. 

“Caroline.” He corrected. “Zoey wasn’t born yet.”

“The longer they dated the less he came around, then mom got pregnant and he kind of ran. I don’t know. He really never seemed cut out to be a father I guess Evan, I’m sorry.” She said sweetly, pressing her side into his. 

_ Neither was yours.  _ “It’s fine. I knew that but I tried anyway. That was on me.” He smiled. 

“Well, maybe you could try again with my dad then? I mean, I know it’s not the same as having your own dad. But you guys used to get along before. You could try again, just like you could try with mom.” She was staring at him so hopefully, he almost  _ wanted  _ to. 

But he also knew he couldn’t. “I-” her phone started buzzing on the counter. “Timer’s done.” He said, grateful for the interruption. 

She grabbed it, with a guilty look on her face. “Uh, no it’s not.” She flipped it over, their mother’s contact flashing, along with the option to pick up. 

“What did you do?” He asked again, panic flooding through his system. He was rooted to the spot. 

“I didn’t think you were going to be so good about it all! I asked her to call so she could prove herself to you! But then we talked, and-” 

“So don’t pick it up then!” He yelled. 

“I can’t do that to her!” She yelled back. 

He didn’t have the chance to reply, because she was sliding to answer and jamming the phone onto speaker all at once. “Hi mom.” She said, staring at him. 

His vocal cords were frozen shut however. “Hi honey, is your brother with you or did I call too early?” She asked. Maddie was staring at him waiting for him to reply but he was stuck staring at the phone. 

She sounded happy? Like she was genuinely looking forward to speaking to him. Like they hadn’t spent the last four years completely silent, not even sure if the other was alive. Maddie nudged him. “He’s here with me, you’re on speaker. Say hi!” 

She said it to their mom, but she was staring at Buck waiting for him to get with the program. “Oh! Evan how are you doing buggy? Your sister told me so much, but I wanted to be able to talk to you myself.” Buck felt tears building up behind his eyes, and he hated it. 

Finally he croaked out a reply. “H-hi mom.” 

Maddie was staring at him sadly. He hated that too. He hated that he had to listen to his mom call him by a nickname he didn’t even think she remembered giving him. Hated that he was being forced to do this, because there was no way for him to have this rush of emotions once and then have to cut himself off from it again. It wasn’t _fair._ And Maddie took his choice away from him, _like father like daughter._ Mostly he hated himself for even thinking that at all. 

“It’s good to hear your voice.” She told him sweetly. “I want to hear all about how you’ve been. I’m sure Maddie bored you with all the details of my life already. She told me you’re a firefighter now? That must be exciting.” 

He forced himself to speak. “It is at times. I don’t do it for the excitement though, I mean yeah I love that. But I just want to help people.” 

“You always did.” She sounded thoughtful. “That’s what you went to college for, I remember. It’s so good that you’re doing that now. I’m so proud of you for doing what you want.” 

Buck felt the tears slipping down his cheeks at that. She was proud of him. It didn’t matter to her that he wasn’t doing what he went to school for, because this was what he was always going to do. And  _ she was proud of him.  _

“Thank you.” He said sincerely. 

Maddie leaned her head on his arm. “Of course honey. Your sister said something about you getting hurt on the job? Are you alright now? I looked up the news footage and I have to say I wouldn’t have even thought someone could go back to work after something like that.” She tutted softly. “But I’m glad you were able to. And all of those people that helped, it was so sweet of them. Your leg really is alright though?” She asked again. 

He wanted to laugh, because it felt familiar. The way she went slightly off track and then back onto her question, and Maddie was right. Even without asking her anything about it she really did sound good, she sounded better. 

But he didn’t get a chance to reply. “Amber, who are you talking to?” Was said in the background and he went tense. 

“Oh honey I’m talking to Maddie and Evan. Come say hi.” His mom said happily. 

Buck hoped that he would say no, that he would turn and walk out of the room. That he would let Buck have this. But he knew that was stupid, that it was wishful thinking. The volume level changed like they were going on speaker and his voice came through clearer. 

“Hi sweetheart, it’s good to hear from you again. Hey bud,”  _ bud.  _ “You really scared your mom with that fire truck incident.” He laughed, like he was allowed to joke about it. “Really thought we taught you better than that. Always getting yourself into trouble though aren’t you bud.”  _ Bud.  _

His heart was jack rabbiting in his chest. He wasn’t sure if it was his pulse he was hearing in his ears, but the whooshing was loud and it was fast. He turned, and Maddie was staring at him, laughing. He couldn’t laugh though. It was too much, he knew it was going to be. It was exactly why he never wanted to do it in the first place. 

He wanted to open his mouth and apologize, but he wasn’t even sure of what would come out if he tried. He was pretty sure he was going to start screaming if he did. So instead he took the cowards way out and ran, right out of her apartment, down the stairs, and out the front door. Somewhere in the back of his mind he remembered that he wasn’t even wearing his shoes, but all he could hear was his voice. 

For the first time in years he could  _ hear  _ his voice. It was the one comfort he was always allowed in every flashback, every haunted memory, even most of his dreams had distorted that voice over time. But now there it was pressed into his ears, pressing itself against his brain. Right along with the knowledge that  _ he  _ knew exactly where Buck was. That he could look up videos now, that he  _ had  _ seen videos. He wondered if he satisfied a part of the man to see Buck screaming in agony, to see him at his very worst. 

_ Bud.  _

He focused on the pavement under his feet. It hurt, but honestly hurt was exactly what he needed right then. It would keep him in the present. 

_ Bud.  _

Tried to think of a destination. A place to go, anywhere. Then he could collect his thoughts and call Maddie to apologize.

_ Bud. _

She would be mad, but he could write it off as a flashback due to the bombing. He could do that. He could figure out how to not ruin her family. They sounded so happy after all. 

_ Bud. Bud. Bud.  _

And she just had to shove that happiness into his face. Show him what he wasn’t allowed to have. Force him to see just what her happy little family was like, see how good their mom was. Make him think maybe things would be okay. But they never would be. He felt the pavement changing to sand under his feet. He looked out and saw the ocean. He felt a choking laugh press out of his body. 

_ ‘It’ll be our little secret bud, okay? Don’t tell your mom.’ He was sitting on the corner of Buck’s bed and he just wanted to go to sleep. He was tired, and he never liked it when mom’s boyfriends came in his room. But this was Maddie’s dad. So it was different. Maddie said he was a good guy, that he was better than the other guys mom brought home. “It won’t hurt a bit bud, but even if it does you have to be really quiet okay? We can’t wake up your mom or Maddie.” _

_ He shook his head no. He didn’t want to. “Your mom is going to be pretty messed up if I have to leave again kiddo. Plus, think of this as protecting your sister. You love Maddie don’t you?”  _

_ Buck nodded.  _

_ He lied. It hurt. He wanted it to stop. He didn’t like it. He hated it. He wanted to yell. But he wanted to protect Maddie, so he bit his lip.  _

_ “Our little secret right bud?”  _

_ Buck had tears in his eyes when he nodded.  _

+++ 

Eddie was beginning to hate getting calls from Maddie. He was also starting to hate Maddie just a bit. He was trying his best however to not yell at her over the phone line, as he tried to get information from her as she freaked out. 

“Okay, just take a breath. You need me to look for him because what?” He asked, already heading to his car, putting her on speaker pulling up the find my phone app clicking on Buck’s location waiting for it to load.

“He ran out of my apartment and I don’t know where he went. He didn’t even take his shoes, and I don’t fucking know where he went!” Her voice was getting higher as she went. He already felt a throbbing behind his eye. 

The location finally loaded, he frowned seeing that Buck was at the beach. He didn’t go to the beach anymore, not since the tsunami. He said he had a hard time with it, told Eddie that maybe he would try to go if Chris wanted to. So the fact that he was there couldn’t have meant anything good. “Yeah? And why the hell did he take off like that. Because I’m willing to bet he had a pretty good reason.” He snapped. 

She made a hurt noise, and he whipped the truck on. He took a breath, but didn’t apologize to her, instead made himself busy racing to the beach. “I had our mom call.” She admitted. 

“After he explicitly told you that he needed time?” Eddie asked, he was aware he was using the voice he did when Chris did something bad. But Maddie was behaving like a child so it fit. 

“Yes, I’m a bad person okay? I get it. You don’t need to make me feel like shit Eddie. I need you to find him. And if you can’t let me know now so I can hang up and find someone who can.” She snapped. 

He scoffed. “I already have his location up on my phone and I’m heading to him now.” 

“Good.” 

“But you aren’t hanging up until I get there.” He told her. 

“Excuse me?” 

“Instead you’re going to explain to me  _ exactly  _ what happened. So I can figure out what I’m walking into, and how to help him.” She sighed. “So enlighten me please.” He hated how angry he sounded. But he also knew there was a large chance he was going to find Buck in the middle of a flashback, and he didn’t feel like triggering him right after getting him out of one. 

So if that meant being a little rude to Maddie it really didn’t matter to him right then. She seemed to get it too, because she was talking quick enough. “I thought he needed the push. I didn’t think he was going to be so good about the whole thing. Then he was, and we were having a really good conversation.” She sighed, and it sounded like she was on the verge of tears. 

“So what happened?” He asked, a lot softer than he had been before. 

“I had it set up for her to call before he even got here. I, I was still angry from what happened the other day. So I thought maybe I could just fix it all myself if he was going to continue to be so hard headed about it. They always used to need a push before, so I just, I figured I could give them one.” She explained. 

Eddie reminded himself that she didn’t know. That she really was doing what she thought was best. “You said he was good about the whole thing? What did you mean?” He prompted. 

“He told me he just needed some more time. But he would be willing to talk to her eventually.” That was news to Eddie. “And then he started talking to me about his dad, and why it felt weird to him for me to call my dad our dad.” She sounded stressed, and he felt his own anxiety rising. 

“What did he say?” He asked, trying not to sound demanding. 

“Just that he had a relationship with Tom, his dad, before he died and it was just hard for him to have me push my dad on the both of us. But I wasn’t there for that. I know he started going over there like once a week to see him, but I didn’t realize they had even gotten that close until the funeral. He was just so close with my dad before, when he was growing up. But he said things changed, and he hadn’t told me. I just, I didn’t get it. But I want to.” Eddie felt like screaming, and locking the siblings in a room together to sort their shit out. 

But he would also never, ever, do that to Buck. More he wanted him to hear Maddie’s side of it. How stressed and willing to learn she seemed. He was also confused at the idea she had that Buck only saw his father once every so often when he had told Eddie that he was spending multiple nights a week at the man's house. “Where were you when he was getting to know his dad?” He asked detouring from the initial conversation for a minute. 

“I was with Doug.” She admitted quietly. “I was kind of not around anymore. Not like I should have been.” She sighed. 

“I’m sorry.” He said. “So when did your mom call? What happened with that?” He asked, knowing there was nothing more about the Doug situation that he could do. Especially not with more pressing matters at hand. 

“She called pretty much right after that. He told me not to pick up, but if you had heard how excited she had been when I told her to call us. Oh my god Eddie, I just wanted him to be able to experience that.” She told him earnestly. 

“But you took away his choice.” Eddie pointed out. 

“Yeah, I guess I did.” 

“Did he take off running right away?” Eddie was getting closer to the beach, and then he would have to go on foot to get to Buck. 

“No.” She huffed. “He talked to mom a bit, actually started crying because she said she was proud of him. He seemed happy, if not a little overwhelmed.” 

“Okay Maddie I’m pulling up on the beach you gotta speed it up a bit.” He told her, hating that he was rushing her. He could tell she needed to talk about it just as much as Buck was going to need to, but Buck was his main priority. 

“My dad came on the line.” She said in a rush. “I just don’t get it Eddie. He was fine, and then he was running. And he won’t talk about  _ him,  _ and he won’t tell me why. I just don’t understand it.” He could hear the tears in her voice. “Did he hit him or something? Cause I mean, if he did we can work through it. We can talk about it, he can tell me. I just, I want him to talk to me. Because it’s clearly  _ something.  _ And he used to tell me everything.” 

Eddie sighed heavily. “I don’t know Maddie.” He lied. “But I think maybe you should tell him that.” He said carefully. 

“Tell him what?” 

“That if something happened, you’d believe him and you could work through it.” He told her, then realized maybe it was too much. “I’m at the beach now. I have to go find him. Call someone please, okay? I really don’t think you should be alone either right now.” He said. 

She laughed. “Thank you. For finding him, and for listening to me. You really are a good guy Eddie. I’m really happy he has you.” She said, and then the phone line clicked off. 

He looked at the screen displaying Buck’s location and saw that he was pretty much on top of where he should be. He pocketed his phone as he got out of the truck, heading towards the sand. He found Buck fast enough sitting in the sand, holding his knees close to his chest, tears streaming down his face staring at the water. 

He ran a hand through his hair, before sitting down near him. “Hey.” He said loud enough to get his attention. 

+++

Buck didn’t come to the beach anymore. He hadn’t since the tsunami hit the pier and he had successfully managed to scar his best friend's 8 year old child for life. Just perpetuating the cycle he supposed. But somehow he found himself there after his flashback and watching the waves felt peaceful. And if a giant wave decided to come by and sweep him under, well he had an excuse to not fight to the surface thing time. 

Eddie’s voice startled him out of his own head, and he looked at his best friend,  _ boyfriend?  _ Confused for a moment before realization dawned on him. “Hey,” he replied, wincing at how raw his voice felt. “Maddie send you to come find me?” He asked. 

Eddie nodded. “How are you doing?” 

Buck felt a bitter laugh fighting its way out of his throat.  _ How was he doing?  _ He had just had the most vivid flashback he’d gotten in years, he accidentally compared his sister to her rapist father in his mind, and he was trying to readjust to the idea that he didn’t get his mom yet again. 

“Hey, talk to me.” Eddie said, drawing him back out of his own head. 

Buck moved, wiping his face on his sleeve, before looking back at Eddie. He ignored how wrecked he probably looked. “She had our mom call.” He started. Eddie didn’t look surprised. “She told you?” He asked. 

“What she told me doesn’t matter. I want to know what happened from you. I want  _ you  _ to tell me.” He stressed. 

Buck banged his forehead off his knee. But he continued anyway. “She had our mom call. She sounded good, happy.” He frowned. “She sounded really fucking excited to talk to me honestly. She used this nickname she had for me when I was a kid, and I don’t know it just made me miss her so much.” He felt tears spilling out of the corners of his eyes again. 

Eddie put a hand on his back, rubbing up and down gently. He took a breath before going on. “She told me she was proud of me, that she knew I was always going to end up doing something like this. Helping people.” He blinked back the next set of tears. “She asked me if I was okay because of the bombing, and everything that happened with my leg.” 

He tried to stop the influx of anxiety that rushed in at the thought of the conversation.  _ One, two, three, four, in. One, two, three, four, hold. One, two, three, four, out.  _ “I didn’t get to reply because h-he was in the background, and then she was telling him to come and say hi. I thought maybe I could do it, but then he fucking called me  _ bud,  _ and I lost it.” He scoffed. “How stupid is that? I hear that word all the fucking time and it never bothers me.” 

“I don’t think it’s stupid at all.” Eddie told him. 

“Yeah, but-” 

Eddie cut him off. “No but’s about it. Triggers can be anything, and as small as they may seem at times. There isn’t anything stupid about it, anything about it that makes you less than.” He said gently. 

“That’s easy for you to say.” Buck said darkly. 

“I once had a flashback because Shannon dropped a tray of ice on the floor.” Eddie said, and Buck felt like an asshole. “She’d done it a thousand times before, because honestly she was kind of a klutz. But there was just one time she did it that I couldn’t handle it.” Eddie moved his hand to Buck’s hair carding his fingers through the locks by his neck. “So no, there isn’t anything stupid about it.” 

“I’m sorry.” Buck told him, leaning into the touch. 

“Don’t be. You’re upset right now, and you’re allowed to be. And I’m here for you, but I’m also not going to let you beat yourself up.” Eddie said, like it was simple. 

“Thank you.” He mumbled, leaning his body into Eddie’s. 

“You’re welcome. Do you need to talk about it?” Eddie asked, and Buck shrugged slightly against him. 

“I think I’m fucking everything with Maddie up.” He mumbled. 

“What makes you say that?” 

“Maddie and, I mean it’s not like we never used to fight. Because we did, a lot. About everything, pretty much all the time. But even though we did, it was me and her against the world. She could yell at me for being ‘too bipolar’ and I could yell at her for being too overbearing. And it was all okay, because we had a shitty childhood and we depended on each other to make it all alright. At the end of the day when she needed someplace to go she came here.” He explained. 

“She did.” Eddie agreed. 

“But she doesn’t need me anymore.” 

“Buck,” Eddie protested. 

“No it’s true. Yeah we had a shitty childhood, with a shitty family. That family is always going to be shitty for me, but it doesn’t need to be for her. And she can see that now, and she doesn’t need me anymore. And she keeps trying to bring me with her, and I keep not letting her. She’s going to leave me behind again. I can’t-I can’t be a part of them, and she deserves all the family she can get. I don’t blame her.” 

He really didn’t. Maddie had a hard enough time with everything post-Doug. She had her entire family ripped away from her, but not by choice. Not the way Buck did, because he chose to leave. She deserved to repair the gap, and she was trying to make him repair it with her. Trying to make him tag along like she always did. But just like she always used to when they were younger, she was going to see that he wasn’t doing it and she was going to leave. Especially since she had already tried doing it for him. She would see that he wasn’t worth it, and that there was more family to be had with them. Even if that meant sacrificing her relationship with him to get it. 

“That’s not true.” Eddie told him firmly. 

“You don’t know that.” 

“I know that I talked to Maddie today, and that she sounded genuinely worried about you. She wants to fix this just as much as you do Buck, and she wouldn’t choose them over you. She’s chosen you before. When she came here.” He said, and he sounded so confident Buck wanted to believe him. 

“She chose me, and I let her ex kidnap her and stab her boyfriend. It’s pretty clear to see that I wasn’t the right choice.” 

“You didn’t  _ let _ that happen. Just like you didn’t let a tsunami attack a pier. Those things happened and they were out of your control.” Eddie pointed out, and Buck tensed at the word tsunami. “Alright, we’re getting off the beach.” He said standing up, and dragging Buck up with him. 

“Why?” He asked, but he was pretty sure it was the right decision. 

“Because, you’ve told me before you still aren’t comfortable around them. You seemed fine enough, but you clearly aren’t, at least not with the idea of the water. So we’re leaving because you being here is you punishing yourself for something that wasn’t your fault and I won’t let you do that.” Eddie explained. He threw his arm around Buck’s waist and started guiding him to the street. “Truck is this way.” He said. 

It worried him a bit, just how clearly Eddie was able to see through him. To crack through his armor, and get to the root of his problems. He was so much more than Buck deserved. “Where are we going?” He asked. 

“You up for company?” Eddie asked, and Buck nodded. “To go build a pillow fort in the living room and cross another disney movie off of Chris’ list.” 

+++

There was something about lying inside of pillow fort’s that made the world seem softer to Eddie. He had never been a huge fan of them before, Adriana and Sophia had always made the ‘girls only’. And Shannon said they were a hassle to clean up, so she never bothered building them with Chris. It wasn’t until he became friends with Buck that he experienced one for real. Buck was shocked of course, when he found out Chris had never had the joy of building one. So he set forth at getting every pillow, and blanket in Eddie’s house to build the contraption. 

Eddie had rolled his eyes, and much like Shannon thought only of the idea of how long it was going to take to get everything away. But he could indulge Buck for his son's sake. It wasn’t until the massive thing was actually made and Buck was dragging him in as well, that he got a chance to really appreciate them. He had protested but Buck just rolled his eyes, ‘this is for us too old man. It’s half the fun of pillow forts.’ He had never thought they were all that fun, but watching Buck play with Chris and whisper secrets. Well they were a different kind of emotion that Eddie was just as fond of. 

Since then, pillow forts had become a frequent occurrence in the Diaz household. They now had it down to a science, as well as ‘special pillow fort accessories.’ In all reality, it was just a step stool that acted as a table for drinks, and some fairy lights Buck had bought. But he did agree that laying there under them, everything felt lighter. 

“You’re staring.” Buck told him, but he had a small smile gracing his lips. 

“You’re pretty.” Eddie said in reply. He didn’t even feel embarrassed by it, because so many times before, he had turned away too quickly. Didn’t want to be caught staring at him, didn’t want to say the wrong thing and mess it all up. But now he could say things, he could look at him without turning away. It made something ease in his chest. 

“Are you flirting with me?” Buck teased, rolling closer to him. He was glad Chris had fallen right to sleep after they finished watching Emperor's New Groove. It made putting him to bed much easier. 

“I don’t know, I wouldn’t want it to go to your head.” Eddie said. 

Buck sighed dramatically. “Too late, a very handsome man just told me I’m pretty. I’m swooning. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.” He put a hand to his forehead for effect. 

Eddie couldn’t help but laugh watching him. “You are absolutely ridiculous, I hope you’re aware of this.” He told him. 

Buck nodded, leaning even closer into Eddie’s space. Their faces were inches apart now. “I do, but you still think I’m pretty.” He said. 

Eddie decided not to dignify that with a response, instead he closed the space and pressed his lips to Buck’s. He moved a hand around to the back of Buck’s neck just holding them together, and Buck pushed into the kiss more. Arching into his space and sucking gently at Eddie’s bottom lip. 

It was almost overwhelming for him, having spent so long thinking he would never have this. But not quite, because he was tugging slightly at Buck’s hair, making him gasp into the kiss, deepening it before he was rolling himself on top of Eddie. He pressed himself down, and Eddie groaned. He sat up, pushing Buck slightly further down, until he was straddling just his lap, and he trailed kisses down Buck’s neck. 

“I told you pillow forts were the best.” Buck groaned out. 

Eddie pulled back. “Really? That's your concern right now?” He asked. 

Buck shrugged shamelessly. “Listen grumpy, the first time we made a fort you were all ‘grr the mess.’ Look at us now. You’re defiling me in one.” He had both hands on either side of Eddie’s face, thumbs tracing patterns down his neck. 

It was distracting. “I’m defiling you?” Eddie asked. 

“I mean we could be defiling each other if you got back to it.” He amended. 

“You’re the one talking!” Eddie protested in a loud whisper. 

“I never shut up!” He said back. “Did you think that was magically going to change because we were trying to get our rocks off?” He asked. 

Eddie wanted to take it seriously, he really did. But instead he burst out laughing in Buck’s face. “I can’t believe you just referred to it as ‘getting our rocks off’.” He said between laughs. 

“Maddie used to call it pip pipping the diddly doo.” Buck replied, and Eddie lost it some more. 

“Oh my god, is that where you get it from?” He asked, finally stopping. Buck was staring at him with a soft smile on his face. “Please just refer to it as defiling, I think I preferred that the most.” He decided. 

Buck nodded, and traced his thumb across Eddie’s bottom lip. “I think I preferred it more when you were actually doing it.” He said, casually. 

“Yeah, I think I did too.” Eddie agreed. He grabbed Buck’s hips, and allowed Buck to tilt his face and kiss him deeply. He was sneaking his hands up Buck’s shirt, exploring the expanse of warm skin, and solid muscle when he heard a thud. He pulled back quickly. 

“What wrong?” Buck asked. 

“Chris.” He said. Buck looked confused for a moment before Chris was calling for him from down the hall. 

“I’ll be back.” He promised, standing to go see what was up. He popped his head into Chris’ room. “What’s up buddy?” He asked. 

Chris was sitting up frowning. “I had a bad dream.” He explained. Eddie nodded, going fully into the room, sitting on the edge of Chris’ bed turning on the lamp. 

“What do we want to do? Do we want to talk about it, or read a story?” He asked, knowing that his son didn’t always want to share every nightmare that he had. 

“Is Bucky still here?” He asked instead. Eddie raised an eyebrow but nodded. “Can I talk to him?” 

“Let me go get him, alright?” Eddie asked. Chris nodded, so he took off back down the hall to where Buck was still lying in the pillow fort basking in the lights. “Hey, Chris is asking for you.” He said quietly, trying not to startle him. 

“Wait really?” Buck asked, turning off the lights and stepping out of the fort quickly. 

“Yeah, he said he had a bad dream, asked if you were still here and said he wanted to talk to you.” He explained. “I figured you’d be okay with it.” He added. 

“Of course, anything he needs. Either of you, you know that.” Buck replied, like he was stupid if he thought otherwise. It made him smile. 

“Yeah,” he agreed. They opened the door to Chris’ room, he watched as Buck did some form of mental acrobatics before speaking. “Hey buddy, what’s up?” He asked. 

Eddie frowned slightly, he hated that the thing that triggered him made him think he had to be careful about what he said to Chris. It made him feel awful, but he knew that wasn’t important now, the focus was on Christopher. 

“I had a bad dream.” He explained. “I was lost in the water, and someone found me. But no one found you. It scared me.” Chris admitted. 

Eddie frowned deeply, he hadn’t realized Chris had dreams about losing Buck like that. It seemed Buck hadn’t either. But he was heading to the side of Chris’ bed to talk to him in an instant. “I am okay.” He confirmed. “I have dreams like that sometimes too you know?” Buck told him. 

Chris latched onto that. “You do?” 

Buck nodded at him. “I do, and they’re scary. But then I remember that they aren’t real. You know what else I do?” He asked, and Chris shook his head, looking eager for an answer. Eddie was intrigued as well. 

“I remember that I get to make all sorts of new memories with you guys. Like tonight,” he said. Chris nodded, to show he was following. “Then I take one of those memories, and I think about it really really hard, and I dream about making another one like it.” He ruffled Chris’ hair. “You wanna try that?” 

“I think that might work.” He agreed. 

“You wanna tell me about the memory you’re gonna pick?” He asked, leaning over to turn off the light, and tuck Chris back in. 

“Yeah, it’s that time that we went to the zoo.” He said excitedly. 

Buck locked eyes with Eddie shooting him an easy smile. “Yeah, I don’t think I remember that day well, which exhibit did we see first? It was the lions right?” 

“No! It was the elephants because they’re daddy’s favorite.” Chris corrected. 

Eddie let the story wash over him, staring as Chris tired himself out trying to recall every detail about their zoo trip, while Buck would softly interject details speaking quieter every time. He wasn’t sure what he did to deserve a man like Evan Buckley in his life, but he sure as hell was not prepared to let him go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed! As always let me know what you think in the comments! Like I said last chapter, Maddie isn't trying to be shitty. She just really doesn't get it, so we got to see someone other than Buck experiencing that for once. I absolutely adore pillow forts, kinda wanna crawl in one myself after reading this chapter ;)  
> Next chapter, we'll be seeing some more of the team/Athena again!  
> National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673  
> National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233  
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Or as always in case of any emergency call 9-1-1.


	5. I thought you didn't know them?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We (sorta) meet some new characters. Buck flips his lid on his teammates. Pies, and confessions are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!  
> Like always TW for this chapter: Mentions of past death of a character, discussion of past sexual abuse of a minor.  
> As a warning this is a very dialogue heavy chapter, but it's going to push the plot to where it needs to go. Also a big thank you to @imworth5dollars for listening to me whine about how the chapter wasn't right, and convincing me to post anyways.

Buck hadn’t forgotten the date, he wasn’t that far detached from the idea of his father’s passing to just block it out from memory. Even if he had been, Zoey and Ryder were back in Pennsylvania still, which was 3 hours ahead of LA. He woke up to their message in the morning, there was no avoiding it. However, he was detached enough from the idea of his father’s death that he had no issues going into work that day regardless of the significance the date would hold for most people. 

“Man, your phone has been going off nonstop today. You join a hookup app or something?” Hen asked him, as they sat down on the couch after a call. 

“What?” He asked, scrunching up his nose. “No, why would you ask that?” He continued shooting a look at Eddie. 

They hadn’t said anything about saying something to the team, and Maddie knew. So he figured there was a chance Chim did as well. They weren’t really hiding it, but they also weren’t broadcasting anything, not that there was much to broadcast. The only real difference was that they touched more, Buck wasn’t even sure what Eddie considered them. Eddie caught his eye and shrugged. 

“Because your phone has been going on literally all day. You don’t normally talk to anyone but us and Maddie,” she explained like he was stupid. Her eyes flashed to Eddie as well, which he didn’t understand. “So I figured maybe you were getting back out there.” Hen finished. 

Eddie shot her a look, frowning slightly. Buck watched them have a conversation with their eyes, before they both turned to him waiting for an answer. He resolved to ask Eddie about it later, as well as what they were going to tell the team. _If_ they were going to tell the team. “Uh, no it’s not that.” He said slowly. “It’s my other siblings.” 

Chim walked over to the couch at hearing that. “I thought you said you weren’t close with them? Is everything alright?” He asked, sitting down in the armchair. 

Buck noticed Bobby was now also hovering around waiting on an answer. “Yeah, everything is fine. Tom- my dad. He died 10 years ago today so we were all just kind of checking in. Updating each other on where we all were in life now.” He felt Eddie rest a hand on his leg, comforting him. 

He was the only one who didn’t react given that he already knew. Everyone else was staring at him sadly. “You sure you should be here today Buckaroo?” Hen asked him softly. 

“Yeah.” He said simply, because it _was_ simple. Before they could argue he continued. “I worked this day last year too before you say anything, about ‘work performance’ or anything like that.” 

Bobby stared at him sadly before speaking up. “I know better than anyone that you can separate your emotions from this job kid.” He said, and Buck nodded. “But 10 years is a significant anniversary for a lot of people, no one would have blamed you if you took it off. Or if you want to leave early.” He offered. 

Buck shook his head no. “It’s just another year like the last ones. I can’t go see his grave, Zo and Ryder already sent the pictures of the flowers on it. Me Savannah, and Caroline all send some every year. No need to make anything else out of it. He affirmed. 

His phone chimed again, and he dragged his eyes away from them opening it up. He frowned seeing that he was in a new group chat with just Savannah and Caroline, without Olivia’s kids. 

**Savannah to Caroline, Buck: *Savannah set the chat name to LA trip?***

**Savannah to LA trip?: Hi Evan! As you can see it’s just you me and Care (I didn’t want to do this in dad’s chat because it doesn’t involve Zoey and Ryder and thought it would be rude)**

**Caroline to LA trip?: The point Sav?**

Buck smiled cautiously, looking up waiting as the typing bubble was open. They were all still staring at him, barring Eddie who was reading the texts over his shoulder. “So, you said siblings? Are they all doing well?” Chim asked. 

Buck nodded, relieved they were done with the concern over his dad’s death. “Yeah! They’re all doing really well for themselves.” 

“You said you only really knew Maddie out of all your siblings, how often do you all chat?” Hen asked, leaning in. She had a hand under her chin, still looking at Eddie every so often, before settling in and staring at Buck. 

“Really not that often.” He said, wanting to make it clear to them that as much as he hid some things. He wasn’t hiding a whole group of close siblings. “Mostly we all message once a year, to say sorry about Tom. We sometimes send Merry Christmas messages through the chat line too, but Savannah and Caroline were in college by the time I started getting to know my dad. They didn’t really have anything to do with him. And Olivia kept her kids away from Tom for the most part.” He shrugged. 

“So you were the only one that knew him?” Chim asked. “That sucks buddy.” 

Buck rolled his eyes. “Knowing him did suck you’re right.” He confirmed cheekily. His phone buzzed in his lap saving him from the fallout of that comment. 

**Savannah to LA trip?: Well Care and I live out in Seattle, we have for about six years. We saw that you’re firefighting down in LA now (super awesome by the way!) and were wondering if you’d be up for trying to meet up.**

**Caroline to LA trip?: We’d come down to you, like the chat name suggests. My wife has always wanted to see LA and we’ve never had an excuse to go. Now we do! There’s no pressure obviously, but it’s been long enough since Tom died and we’re all adults. We’d like to try having a relationship with you**

**Savannah to LA trip?: Anyways, just let us know what you think! For reference it would be me, Care, and her wife Emma. We would get a hotel of course, we don’t want to impose.**

**Buck to LA trip?: I would love to have you guys come down! I didn’t know you guys were so close, but I’m glad you are. I would offer up my place, but I really don’t have the space. My boyfriend is the type of responsible adult that has a guest room. Just let me know when you two are thinking and I’ll schedule some time off.**

Eddie shot him a look as he finished reading the messages, Buck blushed slightly at the fact that he’d referred to him as boyfriend in the text. But he wasn’t really trying to get into a whole conversation with his two sisters that he hardly knew about how ‘my best friend maybe boyfriend thing’ has a guest room. Especially when it seemed Caroline was a real adult who had her life figured out. 

“Well I guess I’m going to be a lot closer with them now.” He amended. 

Bobby caught on quickly. “Something come up?” 

“Savannah and Caroline want to come down to LA, said they’ve been looking for an excuse to visit and I’m it apparently.” He explained happily. 

“I thought you didn’t know them?” Chim asked. 

“You didn’t know Albert until he showed up.” Buck pointed out. 

“I at least knew more about him,” Chim stressed like he was crazy for having them come down. “Didn’t you say Maddie was the only sibling you were around growing up? There was probably a reason for that.” He added. 

Buck hoped, in some sick way that this was leftover Doug anxiety. Like Chim didn’t want people from the past showing up because of that whole situation, but it didn’t stop him from being annoyed. “Yeah well I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to have a family that isn’t just Maddie. Besides, our mother made some pretty questionable decisions growing up, so it’s not like I can really blame them for not knowing me back then.” He said. 

Chim pulled a face. “Yeah, but you said your dad hit you didn’t he? Doesn’t sound like he was the greatest.” 

Buck saw red. “Yeah he wasn’t. Now he’s dead and two women who are in their 30’s are trying to repair a gap that he made. You know about shitty dad’s right Chim? So could you maybe cool it with the third fucking degree.” He snapped.

“Buck that isn’t fair.” Hen chided. 

Buck scoffed, standing up rolling his eyes. “Oh! So when I say something it’s not fair right? But Chim can sit here and shit on my sisters that he doesn’t even _know._ Shit on my dead father, but suddenly I’m the bad guy?” He yelled. 

Bobby came by putting a hand on his arm. He looked away from where Eddie was glaring daggers at Chim and Hen. “You’re right. Chim was out of line. Why don’t we all take a breath, and you and me can go on a walk.” He said, and Buck knew it wasn’t a suggestion. He followed Bobby to his office silently, trying to ignore the building rage. 

The second the door was closed he was waiting for the reprimand. Instead Bobby sat down, and gestured for him to do the same thing with all the calm in the world. Finally he realized Buck wasn’t saying anything and he leaned forward. “Let it out kid.” 

Buck blinked. “What?” 

“You’ve got a lot on your chest clearly, so let it out. Yell, scream, cry. I don’t care. I know sending you home won’t do either of us any good.” He explained, all too calm for someone who was telling Buck to scream. Buck almost always wanted to scream, he just got really good at pushing that feeling down. Especially when he was at work. “But you need to let it out somewhere, and while Chim doesn’t deserve to say those things to you. I can’t really let you two scream it out in the middle of the shift.” 

“So you want me to…” Buck trailed off, slumping back in his seat. His mind was still caught on the fact that he wasn’t in trouble. That Bobby was telling him more or less that Chim deserved it. 

“I want you to let it out however you need to. I won’t hold any of this against you, so just do what you need. I’d let you just cry it out alone, but I am a bit worried about you kid.” He said gently. Then he waved a hand in front of him, waiting for Buck to do something, anything. 

He wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. “Chim is a fucking dick.” He said, and Bobby shrugged. “Like, I understand that he’s dating Maddie, and I’m happy for the both of them. Really, but he’s not my big brother. She’s not being much of a sister right now either, and he’s just so far up her fucking ass!” He yelled, pausing looking to the door. 

When no one came running he continued, standing up beginning to pace. “Like, I shouldn’t have to feel bad about wanting a relationship with my sisters. It’s not like I’m replacing Maddie, she’s the one who’s going to replace me anyways.” He said darkly. He shook his head. “But there isn’t a limit to how much of a family I’m allowed to have!” 

“No, there isn’t. You have all of us, you’ve got Maddie. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship with them, it’s good that you’re able to.” Bobby confirmed. 

Buck felt something ease within him. “If it goes well, depending on how long they stay. I’d want to bring them by the house to meet you and Athena.” He said in a rush, waiting for a rejection. 

Bobby just beamed at him. “I’d love that, and I’m sure Athena would be honored.” He said. “We could plan a cookout, with the team.” He offered. 

Buck shook his head no. “No, I’d want it to be just you guys.” He said uncomfortably. He didn’t want to make a huge thing of it for starters, but also he didn’t want to share them with Chim. _With Maddie._

Bobby nodded with understanding. “We could do that. When are they thinking of coming down?” He asked, and Buck shrugged. 

“I don’t really know. We’re kind of planning it out now, when they do I might request some time off. Try and show them around LA.” He knew he was getting his hopes up already. But they sounded excited as well. Plus they were apparently close, which they hadn’t been before. They hardly knew each other at the funeral either, and it gave Buck hope. That he would be able to fit in with them, have a family. 

“Let us know, and we’ll plan it out. Also Athena would like me to extend an invitation to dinner for tomorrow night. She’s cooking.” 

“I’ll be there. What do you guys want for dessert? You seem to think the way I measure chocolate chips is horrific.” He reminded him, recalling their conversation over the cookie dough. “I can bring a pie, what’s your favorite type?” He asked. 

“You don’t need to go all out, brownies or cookies would be fine.” Bobby said, looking surprised that Buck knew how to bake a pie. 

“I never said I had to, I want to. Pie is fun, if you don’t give me a flavor I’m just going to make apple, but some people are really weird about warm fruits.” He said. It was something he never understood because apple pie was delicious. He and his mom used to split it every thanksgiving after Maddie left. _He_ didn’t like it. Said it was gross. His mom used to stick out her tongue and eat it anyways. Buck made himself sick on it one year, thinking that if he ate enough _he_ would think Buck was gross too, that he would leave him alone. It hadn’t worked. 

“Apple works.” Bobby agreed. “But I’m personally a sucker for peach pie, and I know May loves strawberry rhubarb. Harry will eat anything you put in front of him, so bring whatever is easiest for you to get the stuff for.” 

“I will.” He would probably end up making both, once he made the crust it was just a matter of filling. It would be quick, and worth it to make both of them happy. 

“Do you think you’re good to head back out there?” Bobby asked, and Buck nodded. “Alright, let's go. If Chim says anything leave it to me alright? I don’t want you two getting into it again.” 

Buck knew he should make a remark about how he could defend himself, but he didn’t. It felt nice to have someone on his side. They walked back out to where the group was all still sitting on the couches, it felt like they were interrupting something because the three of them went silent at their arrival. Hen looked frustrated, while Chim and Eddie were glaring daggers at each other. 

Hen spoke up first. “So when are your sisters coming?” She asked politely. 

Buck moved sitting next to Eddie pressing their legs together. He nudged him gently trying to get him to stop glaring. “I’m not sure we’re trying to figure it all out now.” He pulled out his phone to check the texts. 

**Savannah to LA trip?: Would next week be too soon?**

**Caroline to LA trip?: Emma is a teacher, they have the week off for spring break. I know it might be too soon to take off time, especially in your line of work**

**Savannah to LA trip?: If not let us know and we can facetime when you aren’t busy to hash out the details. If it is, just let us know and we’ll figure out another time. I know we dropped this on you, but it’s not just for spring break convenience. I really do want to get to know you, and I know Care feels the same way**

**Caroline to LA trip?: I do. It was hard when Tom died, I know we were all adults back then too, well the three of us. But life was a lot different. I wish we had made more of an effort then.**

**Savannah to LA trip?: We would have tried to include Zoey and Ryder, but well neither of us know them that well, do you??? I know you and Zoey are pretty close in age. Plus they’re all the way out on PA, so it would be easier for us to go home to see them.**

**Caroline to LA trip?: Plus Olivia was always a fucking bitch**

**Savannah to LA trip?: Oh my lord yeah she was. But I mean I think all of our moms were a little bit crazy. For starters they all fucked Tom.**

Buck burst out laughing, smiling down at his phone. Eddie nudged him, but he shook his head. “Who are you texting?” He asked, leaning in close. 

“Savannah and Caroline.” He said quickly. “They wanna come down next week, I’m gonna do it.” He said, drafting his reply. 

**Buck to LA trip?: Next week works out fine. I’ll work it out with my boss, and I get off in 8 hours, we can facetime after? Late starts don’t matter I’m just looking forward to getting to know you guys :)**

**Buck to LA trip?: I never really knew Zo or Ry growing up, we texted a bit after dad died but it never stuck. I was too busy with college. You’re right, all of our moms are crazy I know my mom sure as hell was.**

**Caroline to LA trip?: 8 more hours? I don’t envy your shifts. I’ll let Emma know, and we’ll facetime you then**

**Savannah to LA trip?: *Savannah set the chat name to LA TRIP!***

**Savannah to LA TRIP!: Well we won’t keep bugging you at work! I’m super excited! Talk to you then :))))**

“Bobby!” He called happily, Bobby turned to face him with a smile. 

“What’s up kid?” He asked easily. 

“They’re coming down next week, I know it’s pretty short notice. But we’re talking tonight about their plan to come down. Is there any way-” 

Bobby cut him off easily. “Once you three have a plan let me know and I’ll figure

out how to get you some time off.” Buck beamed at him. 

“Thank you.” He said. 

Bobby nodded walking off. Chim stood up following after him. “So they’re coming down?” Eddie asked him. 

“Yeah, Sav, Caroline, and her wife Emma.” He explained. 

“Your sister is gay?” Hen asked, clearly intrigued. 

“I guess so? Who knows maybe she’s bi. Maybe that runs on my dad's side.” He joked, nudging Eddie. 

Hen froze. “Wait, are you?” She asked slowly, looking between the two of them. He was bracing for the inevitable question about him in Eddie. He still wasn’t sure how to answer it, and he really didn’t think asking Eddie right in front of Hen would be a good idea. “Are you queer?” She asked, finally composing her thoughts. 

It was Buck’s turn to freeze. He looked to Eddie who just shrugged at him. “Uh wow, I joked around that he might not know. But I really never told any of you?” He asked, trying to run through his interactions with the 118. It was one of the few things in his life he never actively hid from them, he wasn’t ashamed of it. 

He shook her head. “No, you never mentioned it.” She confirmed. 

“Oh, well yeah I’m bi. Not really a big deal, thought you guys would have noticed the men around Buck 1.0?” He asked. She shook her head no. “Me flirting with men on calls, even after Bobby yelled at me to keep it professional?” He tried. She shook her head again. “Okay, I’m pretty sure you and I have literally had a talk about my ex from college? TK?” He asked, he really wasn’t getting how they never realized. He just thought it was one of those things they never talked about because it didn’t matter. 

He didn’t realize they never talked about it because they hadn’t known. It rubbed him the wrong way, to know that there was so much he actively kept hidden. That one of the few things he just assumed they knew, they didn’t. They got mad at him before, but they didn’t even try. Everything about his life was coming as some big shock to all of them and it made no sense. He didn’t even keep all of it under wraps that hard. He had a Dartmouth sweatshirt he wore, and talked about his ex from college. They didn’t even realize he went, that he was bi? 

“I just assumed that TK was a woman.” She said awkwardly. Like it had never occurred to her to think anything else. 

“Yeah, like you just assumed that when I talked about college that I hadn’t gone?” He asked testily. 

“We didn’t know each other that well back then Buck, what was I supposed to do? Ask the gender of your ex? Obviously it doesn’t matter that you’re bi. I’m happy you just assumed that we all knew and supported you because we _do.”_ She said, putting a hand on his knee. 

He rolled his eyes. “No, what you were supposed to do is hear the word ‘college’ come out of my mouth and not write me off as someone who was too stupid to attend.” 

“I never said that you were too stupid to go to college.” She protested. “I don’t even remember that conversation.” She cried. 

He bit his tongue hard. Eddie put a hand on his back. He let out a harsh breath. “Fine, you didn’t remember the conversation. But you were still plenty shocked when I mentioned even going.” He pointed out. 

She sighed. “You’re right. And I’m sorry, it wasn’t fair of me. But it’s not because I think you’re stupid.” She told him calmly. 

He snorted. “Sure you don’t.” 

“Well even if I did, which I don’t. Eddie already reamed Chim and I out pretty good for that one. You graduated high school second in your class?” She asked. 

Buck ignored her in favor of staring at Eddie. He had defended him? Called out the team on behalf of him, remembered the stupid shit Buck had told him about graduating second? He leaned over grabbing Eddie’s hand squeezing once, not caring if Hen was watching. He looked like he wanted to say something when the alarm was going off. They were off running to a call, thankfully allowing Buck some time to breathe. 

+++

Eddie was tired, and when the shift ended he knew he was going to go home, shower, and crawl into his bed. However, they still had a half hour left, and instead of hitting the bunks and maybe napping, he was sitting in the back of the ambulance with Hen helping her do inventory checks so she could interrogate him. He had known it was coming all day, but he thought maybe for a minute that he was going to be able slip out without having to do this. 

He didn’t know what he was supposed to tell her. He and Buck hadn’t really had the ‘what are we?’ Conversation, it was all too new. Plus with everything going on in Buck’s life, well he didn’t want to spook him honestly. What they were doing was good, they were going at a pace that felt right. Chris knew, he knew Maddie knew as well. So it wasn’t as if it was a secret, but he also wasn’t public. 

“So Buck is bi?” She asked shooting him a look. Like she was trying to gauge if he was getting his hopes up, the joke was on her though. He didn’t even need to have the ‘do I ask him out’ freakout. Buck had solved that issue for him. “And you knew about it?” She continued. 

He frowned. He had been hoping she hadn’t picked up on that. “Yeah, he mentioned it the other day. He said he thought you all knew, figured I was just the last to know.” He told her with a small shrug. 

“You know that wasn’t true though.” She said, clearly offended. 

“It doesn’t matter. I wasn’t going to out him, regardless of the fact that he assumed you all knew. That’s his choice to make.” Eddie told her, tone accusing. 

She nodded. “You’re right. Sorry, I shouldn’t have taken it like that.” She moved putting gauze packs back in the holder. “So?” She prompted. 

He grabbed the ace wraps, counting the quickly straightening them out. “So what?” 

She rolled her eyes, moving to mark something down on the clipboard. She turned to the ice packs, but not before shooting him a look, as if he was stupid. “So, how do you feel about it?” 

“Happy for him?” He tried. He frowned, really not enjoying the conversation, especially without Karen as a buffer. He adored Karen. “I don’t know. I guess knowing that he always has been, and just assumed we knew. It puts some things into perspective for me to think about.” He told her, which was true. That was how he felt when it first happened. 

“You could ask him out.” She said. He opened his mouth, not even really sure how to reply but luckily she was going on. “I know before you were all worried because ‘he might not be bi.’ Or ‘he might not react well.’ Or ‘it might affect Chris.’” 

He had to try not to laugh because, god he had been so wrong. He nodded, allowing her to finish her statement. “But, I mean he’s bi. And it seems like he’s been flirting with you the past few days. Knowing that you know? Well honestly I’d say he’s just waiting on you to make a move.” She offered. 

That time he did laugh. He coughed quickly to cover it up. “I think he’s more teasing me because I did not react great when he first told me.” He said. 

“Boy what did you do?” 

Eddie winced, hating the way the interaction had gone down still. Even if the results it yielded had been favorable. “I stared at him and said ‘what?’ for a solid minute trying to wrap my brain around it. Then came out back to him, by telling him my not approving would be hypocritical.” 

She laughed brightly at him, moving out of the ambulance, leaning on the edge clutching her side. He frowned, it wasn’t _that_ funny. “You are a wreck I swear. Ask the damn boy out.” She said. “I’m getting changed. I'm going home.” 

She walked away, and Eddie made eye contact with Buck who was wavering by the edge of the locker room, clearly having heard the last comment. He sighed, walking over. 

“So, who are you asking out? Anyone cute? Cause I mean, not to sell myself or anything, but I think I’m pretty cute myself. And I could probably come up with a few compelling reasons for you to not ask out other people.” Buck told him quietly. He brushed a hand along Eddie’s lower back, in accompaniment to his words. 

Eddie shivered slightly. “Super cute.” Eddie drawled. “In other news, how would you feel about going on a date sometime?” He joked. 

A look of surprise crossed Buck’s face. “You two were talking about me?” He asked, leaning back. 

Eddie nodded biting his lip. “Yeah, uh Hen knew I had a thing for you.” He gestured towards the locker room, a silent question for Buck to follow him which he did as Hen slipped out saying her goodbyes. 

As soon as they were in there Eddie started getting changed, trying to ignore the way Buck tracked his every movement. “So she told you to ask me out?” He asked. 

“I mean, I wasn’t going to tell her that we were.” He paused unsure of how to define their relationship. He threw a new shirt on, meeting Buck’s eye as he did. 

“So where are we going for date number two then?” Was all Buck asked. 

Eddie was grateful. He smiled at him grabbing his bag, knocking their shoulders together heading for the parking lot. “I’m not sure. We could go to the museum?” He suggested, throwing out the first thing that came to mind. 

Buck lit up. “I fucking love muesums. Which one? We’ll have to plan it around Savannah and Caroline coming up. I want you to meet them by the way.” He said, rapid fire succession. 

“We’ll figure it out, you sound like you know more about them than I do.” Eddie told him laughing. “So they’re coming up next week? How do you feel about it?” He asked, stopping as they came to where their cars were parked next to each other. He leaned against the door of the truck waiting for an answer. 

“I’m honestly really excited. They sound like they really want to try for a relationship, and I think it’ll work.” 

Eddie nodded in agreement. “Yeah reading those texts Savannah seems a lot like you.” 

Buck raised an eyebrow. “What does that mean? I mean we look alike, but you’ve never seen her, so?” 

Eddie shrugged, not sure how to explain it. “I just mean that she also seems like a very bright person. Like she has a good energy about her.” 

Buck scrunched his nose up. “You think I have a good energy?” 

“I don’t just think that, I know that.” He confirmed. Buck smiled, leaning up and pressing a quick kiss against his lips before pulling back. 

“Thank you. That means a lot to me.” He told Eddie warmly. 

“Them bringing isn’t going to bring up anything with your dad?” He asked, trying to gauge if Buck was just glazing over it. He shook his head no. “Okay, well if it does I’m here you know that.” 

“I know that they’re my sisters and that we’re related through my dad.” Buck said, quickly. Like he didn’t want Eddie to think he was lying. “But, I don’t know. Tom was a shitty guy sometimes, but he doesn’t really ever trigger me. And even if he did, Sav and Care, they weren’t around for that. That was just me and him. They’re just these two people that I get to have in my life because he fucked all of our moms.” Buck said, shrugging and hiking his duffle bag up on his shoulder more. 

“I’m happy that you get to have them now. Even though your dad was a shitty person, it’s clear that a lot of good came out of him.” Buck flushed. “Did you talk to Maddie?” He asked. 

“No. I don’t really think it’s any of her business if I have visitors though.” Buck said with ice in his voice. 

Eddie frowned, he had been hoping she would take his advice and talk to Buck. Tell him that she was there, that she was willing to listen. “I don’t mean about _this,_ I mean in general. Today was a pretty rough day for you, date wise.” 

“Maddie texted me, I heart reacted it.” Buck confirmed. 

“But I also mean, about everything that happened in her apartment the other day. Have you guys talked at all since then?” He wasn’t sure why he was asking. He knew the answer, and it was Buck’s right. He was allowed to be angry about it. Hell, Eddie was angry about it. 

“No, we haven’t. I don’t really have a lot to say to her.” Buck said sadly. “I, I wasn’t going to cloud this day up with all of that. Because even if I didn’t always like Tom, he doesn’t deserve to have his memory tarnished by me and Maddie screaming at each other because I hate _her_ father. This day is about my dad, and my emotions about it.” He slumped his shoulders down. “I know I might not react the right way, but it’s still _mine,_ it is _my choice._ And they don’t get to keep taking those away from me.” He finished.

Eddie dropped his bag, moving and drawing Buck into his arms. Buck slumped into him. “It is, it’s absolutely your choice. And there is no right way to mourn.” He said and Buck sighed, warm air blowing across Eddie’s shoulder. 

“Thank you, I. I really appreciate you and I don't know what I would do without you honestly.” Buck told him, dropping his duffle bag as well, wrapping both arms around Eddie. 

“Lucky for you, you don't have to find out.” 

Buck nodded. “I also think we should talk at some point,” he started slowly. Eddie froze, panicking. “About the team and what all of this means,” he finished. Eddie let out a breath. 

“I think that would be a good idea.” He agreed. 

“Yeah, but not now.” Buck stated. “You look exhausted. Go home and sleep. Tell Christopher I say hi, I'll text you later okay?” He asked, finally pulling away. 

Eddie smiled at him, leaning down grabbing both of their duffle bags passing Buck his. He felt his heart soar for this man. “Stay safe.” He said, running a hand across the side of Buck’s face before he could overthink it. 

Buck just leaned into it. “You too.” He said sweetly. They both moved then, getting into their cars to go home. 

+++ 

**Maddie: Mom called to say she’s sorry about your dad. Come over tomorrow night? We can try calling her again…we can talk too. Please? Love you**

Buck knew that he should have replied to Maddie. Knew it was the polite thing, the _brotherly_ thing to do. But when he got home to see that she had messaged him again he still couldn't set aside his upset. Couldn't get over his anger enough to reply. So he clicked out of their messages into his, Savannah, and Caroline's instead. 

**Buck to LA TRIP!: I'm home now, able to FaceTime if you two are!!**

**Savannah to LA TRIP!: Give us 5! Care and Emma are just finishing something up so she can come call**

**Savannah to LA TRIP!: So excited!!**

Buck grinned, walking to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water before heading to the couch, settling in waiting for the call. He flicked onto his instagram, an account May helped him make grinning down at the screen. The first photo was one of Eddie and Christopher pressed together on the couch, it wasn’t taken by him, he checked and saw it was Carla’s account. He liked it and continued to scroll. He liked most of the photos along the way, not really looking. Smiling at a few. He stopped when he hit one from Maddie’s account. It was of him sitting in her lap as a kid, their mom crammed into the corner of the photo grinning. She captioned it **Miss the good old days!**

He frowned, finger hovering over the like button. She hadn’t tagged him in it. And she knew he hardly used the account, so he wasn’t sure he was supposed to have even seen it. Plus it would probably look pretty awkward to be liking her instagram posts while he was ignoring her texts. He was saved from any more mental tribulations, because Savannah’s contact came up on the screen instead, requesting a facetime call. 

He swiped to accept, smiling as it connected. Savannah and Caroline were pressed together in the frame smiling at him. “Hey Evan! It’s good to see you!” Savannah yelled. 

“Jesus Sav, could you be any louder?” Caroline asked her, rolling her eyes. “Hi Ev!” She said a second later. 

They looked different, he noted in his head. At the funeral, Savannah’s hair was dyed purple but now it was the same blonde as his own. Caroline had grown hers out, it looked. The messy bun on top of her head was a lot larger than it had been the last time. Curly red flyaways coming out from every angle. 

“Hey! It’s good to see you guys, how have you been?” He asked, he was sure he was grinning but he was excited. There was just something about the whole situation that felt good to him, like things were falling into place. 

“We’re good,” Savannah told him with a grin. “I’m stuffed because Emma cooked way too much comfort food. I swore she was going to lose her head, she thought we were going to break down at some point, I kept telling her it wasn’t going to happen. Like RIP Tom, but well. You know.” She shrugged. 

Caroline huffed. “She was being polite, you should try it sometime.” She elbowed Savannah. “Ignore this one, she has no manners.” 

Buck laughed. “Don’t worry, I don’t either. I thought my team was going to lose their minds when I told them what day it was. Then again they didn’t know my dad was dead until like a week ago, so I think they’re all still processing.” 

Caroline raised her eyebrow. “Haven’t you worked with them for like two years? What did they think he was?” 

“They thought Maddie and I had the same parents.” He said, lips pulling into a frown.

Surprisingly, so did Savannah’s. “Interesting.” She said, then she continued politely. “How is your big sister? She’s out in LA with you now right? Are you two staying together?” She asked. 

Buck shrugged. “She’s good. She’s in LA yeah, but she’s got her own place.” 

“Oh yeah, she was married right? She brought him to the funeral.” Caroline said. 

Buck shook his head no. “Well, yes she was.” He said, noting her look of confusion. “But they’re over. He’s dead. She sort of killed him.” 

“She what!” Savannah yelled. 

Buck paled. “That was a terrible way to word it. It was self defense.” He sighed. “Listen, can we maybe not talk about Maddie? You guys probably won’t be seeing her when you come down anyways.” 

He wasn’t sure but he thought Savannah looked relieved at that. “No problem Evan.” She agreed. 

“Speaking of coming down, should we talk about details?” Caroline asked, leaning out of frame before coming back with a notebook. 

“Look at her, she’s so responsible,” Savannah teased. “Please say you aren’t this bad Evan? I don’t know how I would deal with two of you.” 

Caroline pushed her head out of frame. “You’re so fucking rude.” 

Buck smiled. “No, I’m not. And it’s just Buck.” 

“Buck,” Savannah repeated. “I dig it.” 

“How could you abandon me for her!” Caroline yelled. “You went to Dartmouth Ev-Buck! You’re supposed to be responsible with me.” 

“Hey, all my responsibility was used up in college and at my job. My boyfriend is the responsible one.” He said, ignoring the flutter he got at calling Eddie his boyfriend. He would have to warn him of his sister's expectations. 

“Ah yes, you mentioned him. Tell us about him, is he cute?” Savannah asked. 

“Don’t tell her too much.” Caroline warned, she leaned in closer to the frame. “She likes to live vicariously through other peoples monogamous relationships while desperately avoiding her own. She has a ‘not boyfriend.’ They’ve been ‘not dating’ for two years.” 

Savannah gasped. “Listen missy I don’t want to hear it. I set you up with your wife, so you don’t get to say shit.” She winked. “Now, we can talk all about my failed love life later, but right now I want to hear about your boo. Are we going to get to meet him?”  
Buck nodded. “Most likely.” He confirmed. “His name is Eddie, he’s one of my coworkers. That’s how we met, we actually started dating pretty recently but we’ve been best friends for almost two years now. He’s like family to me.” 

“Falling for the best friend,” Caroline said wistfully. “I’m glad it worked out.” 

Buck nodded, his throat feeling oddly thick. Was that how Eddie felt? “Yeah. So you’ll meet him and his son Chris. That little guy is my favorite.” He said sincerely. 

“How old is he?” Savannah asked. 

“8.” Buck said, “he’s so amazing. Just a fair warning, we got caught in the tsunami together on the pier. So if he says anything about it, just don’t be caught off guard.” 

He wasn’t expecting for Caroline to start yelling. “You’re telling me! That you got caught in a god damn tsunami, and had your leg crushed by a fucking fire truck! Jesus Christ, are you okay? I swear you and Sav have the worst fucking luck. Being related to the two of you is going to lead me to an early grave.” 

Buck raised an eyebrow at Savannah. “I got shot.” She said easily. “But don’t worry it was a quick fix. No lasting damage.” 

Buck nodded. “We’ll have to compare scars.” He joked. 

“I can’t with either of you. Fire Trucks, tsunamis, gun shot wounds. Regular people don’t joke about these things!” Caroline yelled. 

He heard another voice come over the line. “Baby, please calm down. I love you, but you’re yelling. They are both fine.” 

“Sorry Em.” Caroline said. “Say hi to Buck.” 

“Hi Buck!” She called, not coming into the frame. “I’m looking forward to meeting you, but right now I need to get to bed. I have class in the morning. Love you Care bear.” 

“Love you too.” Caroline replied, blowing a kiss. She turned back to the screen. “Alright, so plans?” 

He nodded. “Plans.” 

+++ 

Buck walked up to the door of the Nash-Grant household attempting to balance two pies. He shuffled them both into one arm, ringing the bell, praying it would be answered quickly. He really did not want to drop them. Making the pies had been simple enough, and he was excited to see what his results reaped. 

Athena opened the door smiling brightly. “Hi sweetheart, come on in. Oh look, you brought dessert. Bobby said you might. May!” She called over her shoulder as she ushered him inside. 

May ran up to them as she yelled back, “what?” She stopped in front of him. “Hi Buck! Hey, can you help me with my physics homework today?” She asked. 

“Sure can do,” he grinned. 

“Take these pies to the kitchen will you?” Athena asked her, lifting the pies out of Buck’s hands passing them to her daughter. “Buck and I will be right there.” She said, as May shot her a look. 

She nodded, running off. Athena turned to him, waving her hand to the living room. “What’s up ‘Thena?” He asked as he sat down on the couch next to her. 

“Well, I wanted to talk to you about something.” She told him, her voice sounded serious. He sat up quickly. “Nothing bad, and you can tell me to, how was it you put it? Kindly fuck off again, at any point.” 

Buck nodded, he felt anxiety twisting in his stomach. “What’s up.” 

“Well, Bobby and I talked a bit. He told me that you and Maddie have still been having some issues since the other day. Plus tensions got pretty high with Chim?” She asked. 

“I-we made up.” He said awkwardly. “Or we were. I promise I’m not being a dick for no reason.” He said, nervous that she was going to tell him the same thing everyone else would. To talk to Maddie, forgive her. 

“Buckaroo, you’ve never been a dick to people who don’t deserve it.” She told him kindly. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” 

He shrugged. “I went over to talk to her. Hash it out, apologize for everything that happened.” He began, he glanced over to Athena who was nodding, so he went on. “It was going really well, Bobby had helped me make the cookie dough as a peace offering. I thought-I thought that she understood. That things were okay.” He said. 

He felt anger rising up again. It wasn’t fair. He knew that, but he wasn’t sure if Athena was going to agree with him. “So what happened?” She asked. 

“She told our mom to call.” He scoffed. “She apparently had it all planned out before I even came over. Then she told me ‘she changed her mind’ when I talked to her. Like I’m some child who she needs to control.” 

Athena pursed her lips. “That wasn’t fair of her. You’re an adult and you’re allowed to make your own decisions. Lord knows I have a complicated relationship with my mother.” She said. She put a hand on his arm. “So what did she do? Hang up?” 

He shook his head laughing. “No, that would be the polite thing to do.” He stopped laughing. “She answered it and put it on speaker. She took away my choice.” He hated how small he sounded then. 

“What did your mother say?” 

He felt tears coming again, he tried blinking them back. He jammed the palms of his hands into his eyes. “She-she told me she was proud of me.” He admitted. 

Athena just swiped her thumb back and forth across his arm. “That’s not why you and Maddie aren’t talking though.” She guessed, he wasn’t even sure she was guessing. She sounded too sure of herself. 

He moved his hands, looking at her. “No, it’s not.” 

“What happened?” 

He probably should have told her to fuck off then, but it felt so good to have someone listen. And as amazing as Eddie was, this was different. Buck had blurted it all out to him, Athena was asking. She _wanted_ to know. He wasn’t just putting it on her. 

“Her-her dad came into the room.” He said awkwardly. He wasn’t sure how to continue. He didn’t know how to explain away his reaction. So he just went for it. “So I took off. I just ran out of the apartment.” He paused, musing. “I think she might still have my shoes.” 

Athena looked at him critically, but he knew it wasn’t _against_ him. “What did _he_ do?” She asked. 

Buck blinked. “What do you mean?” He asked, surprised. “He just said hi-” Buck started to explain. 

“I don’t mean on the call sweetheart. I mean what did he _do?”_ She asked again. 

He felt his throat close. She just kept her hand on his arm, thumb still moving comfortingly. “He uh-” Buck paused. The words felt like they wouldn’t come out. “He molested me as a kid.” He whispered, unable to look at Athena. 

Not willing to watch her reaction. Instead he just stared at her hand. “Oh sweetheart.” She said softly, “can I hug you?” She asked. 

He nodded, allowing himself to be brought into her arms. He was half laying on her. “Maddie-Maddie doesn’t know.” He said, not sure why. It felt important. 

“I figured as much.” She said, petting his hair. 

“He threatened her.” Buck explained quickly. “When he did it, he threatened Maddie, and my mom. I wasn’t-I wasn’t weak.” He said. 

She shushed him gently. “You are the strongest person I know.” She told him. 

“I don’t want to be mad at her. But she-she just took it. She took my choice away. I’m not-not” he was sobbing now. He was sure that they were holding up the dinner. “I’m not weak.” He said again. 

He felt himself being rocked. “She shouldn’t have taken that from you. You are allowed to be as angry as you want.” Athena whispered to him. 

“I never told her, because I thought he would do something. I-I was 8. I didn’t get it. I tried to say something when-when I was 10. Maddie was finally out of the house,” he choked out a sob. “But it-it didn’t work. He just came back. I thought if I tried to say something to my mom again, she wouldn’t believe me. She would tell me I was lying because I had so much time to tell her the whole truth. So when it-it started again, I just had to let it happen.” 

“Buck,” Athena said gently. He looked up to her. “You did what you thought you had to.” She said firmly. “It doesn’t mean that you deserved for it to happen, and it doesn’t make you weak.” 

“It doesn’t?” He asked. 

She shook her head no. “It doesn’t.” She brushed his hair again. “You are so strong. But you don’t need to carry this all by yourself.” She said. 

He was about to open his mouth to say he wasn’t going to tell Maddie. That he wouldn’t. It didn’t matter if she was his sister, and would believe him. She continued. “You have all of us, we’re your family now. And we have got you. _I have got you.”_ She said. “You don’t have to tell anybody anything you don’t want to. But just know that we are all here for you. I won’t let anything happen to you.” She promised. 

“I love you guys so much.” He croaked out. 

“We love you too kiddo.” She smiled. “We’re going to take as much time as you need, and then we’ll go eat dinner alright? I’m looking forward to that pie you made.” 

“I made peach, and strawberry rhubarb.” He told her. 

“Bobby and May will be excited.” 

“What’s your favorite? I’ll make it next time.” He promised. 

“Hmm, apple, or cherry.” She said thoughtfully. 

He sat up finally. “I make a mean apple pie.” He told her. 

“I’ll hold you to that.” 

He took a deep breath. Things were okay. Sure, he still didn’t have his family, Maddie was being passive aggressive with her instagram posts. But he had Athena, Bobby, the kids. He had Eddie, and Christopher. People who he _told._ People who knew what happened to him and weren't leaving, telling him it was his fault. He could have cried for another hour just trying to comprehend that. The fact that the family he chose for himself wasn’t leaving him. Knowing that he chose right for once. Instead he sighed, running a hand down his face smiling at Athena. 

“So what’s for dinner?” He asked, standing putting a hand out to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowie how are we all feeling? I'm looking forward to Savannah and Caroline and the #Drama to come. Next chapter we're going to have that Buddie talk that they kept mentioning don't you worry.  
> As always thank all of you so much for your comments and supports, they mean so so so much to me. I don't know what I would do without all of you. So so so much love to all of you <3  
> Let me know what you thought, any theories for whats to come?  
> National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673  
> National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233  
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Or as always in case of any emergency call 9-1-1.


	6. How does that make you feel?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys have their talk, Buck goes to therapy, and we get closer to the visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!  
> Trigger warning for this chapter: mentions of past death of a character, mentions of past sexual abuse of a minor, therapy (mention of harmful coping mechanisms)  
> Alright, Buck meets with his therapist in this chapter and while nothing is described in great detail, we do touch on some sensitive topics so please keep that in mind and stay safe.

Eddie let himself into Buck’s apartment carrying the bag of takeout. He frowned as he was greeted with darkness. “Buck?” He called, walking into the kitchen setting the bag down. 

He was sure he hadn’t gotten their plans mixed up because Buck had replied when he said he was on his way. So he wasn’t exactly sure why the apartment was pitch black even though the door was unlocked. “I’m upstairs, I’ll be down in a second.” Buck called back, it sounded muffled. Like he was yelling through blankets. 

Eddie made his way upstairs deciding to assess the situation for himself. It turned out he was right, there was a mass of blankets on Buck’s bed, and he was fighting his way out of them. Eddie sighed, walking over to help peel them off. Buck’s head popped out finally and he smiled sheepishly at him. “Hey.” He said uneasily. 

“What’s wrong?” Eddie asked, sitting down on the side of the bed. 

Buck sat up frowning. “Nothing really. I just got overwhelmed with everything. I decided to coddle myself, used my weighted blanket and everything. I lost track of time I guess, I didn’t think you’d get here so fast.” He admitted. 

Eddie frowned at him. It was clear that something was wrong, there was no way he would have been doing this whole thing otherwise. It sat uncomfortably in his chest, they were supposed to be talking about  _ them,  _ was this Buck trying to prepare to break it off? 

“It seems like it’s something.” 

“I told Athena.” Buck said quietly. “I thought I was fine with it?” It was like he was asking Eddie. Like he was supposed to have all the answers, like Buck just trusted him to. “But then I started thinking about that, and Maddie, and my mom. I just got overwhelmed with crippling depression. Wanted to see if I could get out of it before you showed up.” 

“You don’t have to hide this stuff from me.” Eddie told him softly. 

Buck moved, crawling out of his blanket mass. He sat down right next to Eddie. “I don’t.” He agreed. “But that’s not what we’re supposed to be talking about today.” 

“We can wait.” 

“No, I want to talk about it.” 

Eddie felt a rush of anxiety. “Alright, so-” He wasn’t sure what to ask. Wasn’t sure what Buck expected. 

“I kind of told my sisters that you’re my boyfriend.” Buck said in a rush. “Savannah and Caroline.” He amended. 

Eddie laughed. He could work with that. “Boyfriend huh? That your way of asking?” He teased. 

“Edmundo Diaz, will you go steady with me?” Buck deadpanned. 

“I would be honored to.” Eddie replied. He felt his heart flipping, and butterflies in his stomach. He knew Adri was going to tease the hell out of him when he told her how this whole thing went down. He didn’t even care, this just felt right. 

“I don’t know if we should tell the team yet though.” Buck said. Eddie nodded in agreement. 

“You’re right. Things have been pretty tense for one, and I mean. I think we should just figure  _ us  _ out first. Before we drag all of them into it.” 

Buck looked relieved. He moved, kissing Eddie softly before pulling back. “Right. So Chris knows, and Maddie. My sisters, and probably your sisters?” He asked, Eddie nodded again. “We aren’t  _ hiding it.”  _ He stressed. “If anyone outright asks, I won’t deny it.” 

It was Eddie’s turn to feel relieved. As much as he agreed it was too soon to tell the team, it was nice to know that he wasn’t being hidden away. Being kept a secret, which wasn’t fair because he had done the same thing to Shannon. But he wanted him and Buck to be something different, something  _ better.  _

“Exactly, we’re just doing us. If they figure it out, they figure it out.” 

“Exactly.” Buck confirmed. “So, did you bring the takeout?” He asked. 

Eddie nodded. “It’s downstairs. You up for eating down there? Or do you want to return to your cocoon? I can bring it up?” He offered. 

Buck shook his head no, standing up. “Nope, that feeds into depression and bad habits.” He said, heading down the steps. He didn’t turn to see if Eddie was following, because of course he was. He would follow Buck anywhere. “Plus, I don’t like eating in bed, it makes me feel gross. And crumbs in bed are uncomfortable.” 

They rounded the corner into the kitchen and Buck hopped up, sitting himself on the counter. Eddie rolled his eyes. “You aren’t gonna help?” He asked, gesturing to the takeout containers. 

“You’re the one that offered to bring it up.” Buck replied easily, but he was turning slightly. Pulling out two plates and passing them over with a smile. “So do your sisters know?” Buck asked, as Eddie snuck a noodle into his mouth. 

He choked slightly, shooting Buck a dirty look. Buck just grinned at him, he had probably done it on purpose.  _ Asshole. Lovable, but an asshole nonetheless. _ He finished coughing it out of his throat, before replying. Buck passed him a bottle of water that was sitting on the counter. He drank it eagerly. 

“Yeah, they do know.” Eddie said easily. 

Buck rolled his eyes. “What do they think?” He asked. 

Eddie wasn’t sure but he thought he might sound nervous. Which was stupid, because his entire family loved Buck. Half of them hadn’t even really met him, or only briefly had while at his ceremony but they all adored him. Eddie was terrified of fucking it up because his family was rooting so hard for him. They accepted Buck in a way they had never accepted anyone else Eddie had brought around before. 

He sighed then, because Buck didn’t know that. “They want to meet you.” 

“They do?” He asked, crinkling his nose up. “We only just started dating. You can’t have told them much.” 

“Well we’ve been friends for two years too.” Eddie said, and he knew he was blushing. He moved to finish plating the food. “Plus, Chris raves about how awesome you are all the time. And Abuela loves you. They’re jealous that they’re going to be the last ones to meet you.” He explained. 

He walked over to Buck passing him his plate. Trying to avoid eye contact, it was awkward as hell to try and explain how into him he had been. He knew that Sophia was going to tease the shit out of him in front of Buck when they met, and he was sort of glad that she wasn’t around to do it. Buck however, did not have the same qualms as him. Because the second that Eddie was close enough to grab, that’s what he was doing. 

He found himself being pulled until he was standing between Buck’s open legs. Buck took the plates setting them down beside him, before taking Eddie’s face in his hands kissing him deeply. 

“You’re fucking adorable.” Buck muttered, once they pulled apart. He rested his forehead on Eddie’s. “I want to meet them too. They sound awesome. Plus, you’re meeting my sisters so it’s only fair.” He continued. 

“You’re amazing.” Eddie said, staring at him in awe, before blushing again. He hadn’t meant to say it, but he remembered that Shannon had been intimidated at the prospect of meeting his sisters. Told him it was too soon, or that she felt awkward about it. Here Buck was, being excited about the idea. He hated comparing the two, but he couldn’t help but do it. 

He saw a flush high on Buck’s cheeks this time however, and he smiled. “Shut up.” Buck mumbled. He pulled back, passing Eddie his plate and grabbing his own. 

“So what’s the plan for your sisters when they come up?” Eddie asked, before taking a bite of his noodles. 

Last he had known was they were coming down in a week, but that was it. Buck grinned, his entire demeanor changing to one of pure excitement. “They’re coming down next week, and Bobby got it arranged so I only have to work two shifts. Sorry that I’m abandoning you.” He said, lips quirking down. 

“Don’t worry about it.” Eddie assured. “They’re your sisters. Don’t feel bad about taking time off to be with them.” 

“They’re coming down Friday and leaving on the following Saturday. It’s going to be Savannah, Caroline, and Caroline’s wife Emma. I want to try and get together with you and Chris? Introduce you all?” He asked, and Eddie nodded. Buck beamed at him. “Then we’re going to get together with Bobby and Athena at one point. The rest of the time I’m just going to be taking them around LA. Emma has always wanted to visit but never got to. So I’m their excuse to finally come down. It’s going to be pretty chill, and we’re just going to try and get to know each other through all of that.” 

Eddie nodded slowly. “Are you going to bring them by the station?” He asked. Buck shrugged. “To see Maddie.” Buck shook his head no. 

“Maddie has her own family stuff to worry about. This is mine.” He said simply. 

Eddie knew he should have left it. But he had always had issues just leaving things be. “I mean don’t you think she would want to meet them? To be a part of it?” 

Buck just huffed. “I didn’t like it when Maddie tried to drag me back into my family. Because they  _ aren’t  _ my family. Not anymore. Sav, and Care? They’re my family. Not Maddie’s, and I don’t want to spend this week trying to repair my relationship with Maddie when I’m supposed to be getting to know two people that don’t have anything to do with her.” 

“You’re right.” Eddie said. 

“Maddie never wanted anything to do with Tom anyways. I’m not saying that I’ll keep them separate forever. But for now? This is mine, and she doesn’t get this too.” He said, before finally taking a bite of food. 

Eddie chewed his own thoughtfully. He hadn’t realized just how affected by everything Maddie had been doing Buck was. They had always seemed so solid, and he had just assumed that they would go back to that. “Have you talked to her?” Eddie asked softly. 

“No.” Buck said plainly. “She hasn’t even apologized. Not to me anyways. Like, she said she was sorry about Tom on the anniversary of his death. She said she wanted to talk, she’s said she loves me.” 

“She does love you.” Eddie agreed. 

“But it’s not enough.” Buck sighed, putting his plate down. “With Maddie, it was like. We never really said we were sorry that much before, we just accepted that we did something wrong and moved past it.” 

Eddie nodded slowly. “So what changed?” 

“She went too far this time.” He ran a hand down his face, then dropped it to the counter. Fingers tapping restlessly. “It never used to matter before, because whatever we did it was never that bad. But, now? She took something from me. I know that she doesn’t know just how  _ bad  _ it was. But she still knowingly made a decision that took away my choice. She doesn’t just get to do that and not say she’s sorry. Because if she’s not sorry? Well, I don’t know if I can have a relationship with her after that.” 

Eddie put his plate down as well, taking both of Buck’s hands into his own. Buck just stared at him, eyes wide and glassy. Like he was ready to cry. “She didn’t have a right to do that to you.” He started. “It doesn’t matter how much she knows or not, she didn’t have a right to take that from you.” 

“Thank you.” Buck said, tears slipping out of the corner of his eyes. 

Eddie moved his hands, swiping away the tears with the pads of his thumbs. “I don’t know what will happen. I don’t-I don’t have all the answers. And I  _ do  _ think that she’s sorry. What I do know is that I’m here. And you said you told Athena?” He asked, and Buck nodded. “Athena is here. You have people that love and support you that do know. You aren’t going to be alone.” He promised. 

“I feel like I’ve been grossly emotional these last few weeks.” Buck said after a few minutes, pulling his face away. Wiping the remnants of his tears on the back of his hands. “Thank you for being here anyways.” He finished softly. 

“Always.” Eddie promised. 

+++

Buck slid into his therapist's waiting room, just shy of being late for his appointment. He plopped down in a chair, grateful that it was such a small office that there was no need for a receptionist. He always hated having to break up his internal monologue of what he was going to tell a therapist to check in. Which was stupid, but for a long time he had to gear himself up just to be honest with them. Now it was like second nature to him. 

He didn’t even know where he was planning on starting this appointment. Did he tell her about Maddie? His mom? Telling Athena and Eddie? Dating Eddie? His sisters coming down? He genuinely didn’t want to get into half of it, but he knew he needed to. He also knew he probably needed to get into the fact that his mood was swinging all over the place, the flashbacks. The anger, followed by the insane sadness and guilt. All of it felt like it was going to swallow him whole if he let it. 

“Evan? You can come on in.” Vanessa said from her doorway.

He smiled at her, wiping his hands off on his thighs. “Hey.” He said slipping past her into the office and into the chair he normally used, grabbing a pillow clutching it to his chest. 

“How are you doing today?” She asked, smiling softly. She walked over to the side table, putting a box of tissues and a water bottle next to him with a wink. 

“I’m good.” 

“Yeah?” She asked. “That’s good to hear. What’s been going on since we last talked?” 

He laughed, blowing air out of his mouth. “A whole lot of shit Nessa. A whole lot of shit.” 

It was her turn to laugh. “Do you want to tell me about some of it?” 

“I honestly don’t know where to begin.” He admitted. 

“That’s okay. We can talk about anything, or not talk at all. You know that Evan. This time is yours.” 

“I’m dating Eddie.” He blurted. 

“Your best friend?” She asked, like she was trying to recall the information she knew about him. “Christopher’s father, yes?” 

“Yeah.” Buck agreed, nodding quickly. “He asked me out, or well I told him to? I don’t really know to be honest, it was kind of a lot that day. He’s been great, it’s been great.” He finished lamely. 

“So what's the issue?” She asked. 

He frowned, because of course she picked up on that. Anyone could pick up on that. It’s why he didn’t want to tell the team and have everyone's eyes on them. Eddie was great, and he deserved so much. He didn’t need someone else to tell him that. Not when Buck was selfishly keeping him around. Not when Buck wanted to try and be better for him. 

“I told him.” Buck said vaguely. 

“About the assault?” Vanessa asked him easily. 

“Yeah, I uh. Maddie told me to call our parents so I got a little drunk. He came over to check on me and it was good. Then I had a flashback, it just. It came out of me. I didn’t mean for it to.” 

“It’s good that you trust him enough to tell him. If there wasn’t that level of trust you wouldn’t have felt comfortable telling him. Especially in such a vulnerable moment.” 

Buck shrugged. She was right, and he knew it. But he didn’t  _ feel  _ it. “Yeah, well then why did I try to sleep with him directly after?” He challenged. 

Vanessa smiled placatingly, used to his antics. He should have hated it, but he loved Vanessa. She was one of the best therapists he had ever had. “That’s because you view sex as a service you can do for people. You’ve always tied your worth to it. So it makes sense that in such a vulnerable moment, especially with someone you trust, you attempted to give him something that you view as a service you’re good at providing. You also tried to use it to deflect the attention away from talking about how you were feeling.” 

“We-we didn’t do it.” He said quickly. “We still haven’t.” He wasn’t sure why, but it felt important for her to know.

“Do you want to?” She asked. He frowned. 

“Of course I do.” 

“Why do you assume that’s obvious?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean that you’re allowed to be pursuing a romantic relationship with him without wanting to jump right into a sexual one. Especially with your history of sex, it’s reasonable that you would want to separate him from that. To test if he actually likes you, and not just what you could do for him.” 

“Eddie isn’t like that.” He defended. “Honestly I’m pretty sure that he likes me more than I like him.” 

“Is that why you aren’t sleeping with him?”

“What do you mean?” 

“Are you trying to preserve his feelings, because you fear he’s more interested than you are?” She questioned. He sighed. 

“It’s not- I like him- I just. Not as much as he likes me. I didn’t even realize he liked me until I was trying to jump into bed with him. Listen can we just talk about something else?” He asked. 

“We can talk about whatever you want.” She assured. “You said your sister wants you to call your mother?” 

“Ha!” He yelled. “Sorry.” He mumbled, lowering his volume. “She doesn’t just want me to call her. She accosts me at work where I can’t leave. And does things like invite me over under false pretenses and has my mother call anyways.” 

“That must have been upsetting.” 

“Upsetting? It was infuriating! I’m not a child.” 

“You aren’t. You’re 28, with a full time job you’re passionate about. You rent your own apartment, you’re in an adult relationship. What do you think your sister is missing about this?” Vanessa asked, and Buck paused. 

What was Maddie missing? He knew he lived on her couch for a while, but that was over. He had been with Abby. Then Ali, and now Eddie. He was out of his sleeping around phase by the time she came back. He was a college graduate. He was a firefighter EMT. He knew he was always going to have to put up with the little brother thing, but that didn’t bother him. What bothered him was being treated like a child because of it. 

“I don’t know.” He admitted. 

“Maybe that’s something to talk to her about.” Vanessa suggested. “How did the call with your mother go? You two haven't talked in a number of years if I recall correctly.” 

Buck’s leg began bouncing and he picked at a loose thread on the pillow. “It went...interesting.” 

“Well I’m intrigued.” 

“It was good at first. Really good. She-my mom, she sounded happy to hear from me. Excited, and as much as it hurt, it was a good hurt.” He felt tears in the corner of his eyes, he let go of the pillow grabbing the water bottle, cracking it open taking a long sip. “She told me that she was proud of me.” 

“That must have been really validating for you.” She said softly. 

Buck shrugged. “It was yeah. But then  _ he  _ came into the room. Onto the call, I just. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t manage, pretend even for a second to be okay with it. I took off. I wasn’t even wearing my shoes. I ended up having a flashback and panic attack on the beach.” 

“It’s the first time you’ve had to come face to face with your abuser in years,” she started. 

“It wasn’t exactly face to face.” Buck pointed out. 

“Yes, but you still haven’t had any interactions with him in a long while. You were forced to face all of your feelings towards the situation, and it wasn’t in an environment you felt safe experiencing it in. It’s understandable that you ran. How are you feeling about it now?” She questioned. 

“I don’t know,” he took another sip of water. “I’m mad. At Maddie for making me do that, making that happen to me. I’m angry at my mom for still being with him, I know she doesn’t  _ know.  _ I know it’s my fault that she doesn’t but. I guess I just always wanted her to realize one day that the reason I fought so hard, ran so far. Was because of him.” He paused looking up at Vanessa.

“Those are reasonable things to be angry about.” She agreed. 

He felt tears slipping out of his eyes. “I’m mad at him for doing what he did to me. I’m-I’m mad that he broke me, and broke my family. He stole them, and it’s too late for me to get them back.” He felt the water bottle crush in his hands as he continued. “I hate him, because he made me hate myself.” 

“Do you think you’ll be able to ever tell them?” She started, he went to instinctively shake his head no. “You’re finally in a settled and safe environment, able to tell a romantic partner. These are great strides. There’s no saying that you have to tell Maddie or your mother tomorrow. But you’re already at a point you never thought you would be at.” 

It was true. He had told her once that he didn’t think he would ever talk about it with people outside of a professional setting. Said that he didn’t want to face the judgement. While he knew telling Eddie was an accident, he chose to tell Athena. Which counted for a lot. 

“I told someone else too.” He admitted quietly. 

“And how did they react?” 

“It was Athena, she was, she was great. She reacted the way I would want  _ my  _ mother to. I just, I don’t think that she ever would react like that.” 

“Is that something that would prevent you from telling her?” 

Buck sighed. “My mom doesn’t need to know. Maddie doesn’t  _ need  _ to know. It would, it would break both of them. But Athena and Eddie, they’re my family. Telling them, knowing that it doesn’t change the way they view me. It helps a lot. It doesn’t mean I want to go and ruin my mom and sisters lives.” 

Vanessa frowned at him, leaning forward. “Buck, we’ve had this conversation before. I’m not telling you that you need to tell Maddie or your mother if you don’t want to. But we’ve talked about this kind of thinking before. The assumption that you’d be ‘ruining their lives’. That isn’t a choice you can make for other people.” 

“Fine. But I’m still not ready to tell them.” He amended. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be.” 

“I’m still proud of all that you have done.” She beamed at him. 

He let out a breath. “I’ve been having some issues with my meds.”

“Would you like me to send the referral to our psychiatrist so you can get an adjustment?” She asked, reaching down to her desk for a pad of paper. 

“No.” He said, blowing air upwards. “But I need you to.” 

“Of course Evan,” she wrote down some things before passing him a slip of paper. “I assume you’d like to talk to a woman?” She asked, and he nodded. “Alright, that’s her number and office address. I’ll give her a call once you leave to put in the referral and you can plan the appointment.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Do you want to talk about the symptoms you’ve been having?” She offered. 

“No. I’m managing them fine.” 

“Alright then.” She smiled at him, not glancing at the clock. He did however noting that they still had another 20 minutes left. Vanessa didn’t speak again, clearly waiting for him to decide where to direct the conversation. 

“Tom died 10 years ago.” He said awkwardly. 

“Did that bring up any memories for you?” 

“Not really. But my half siblings, the ones I met at the funeral? They messaged me.” 

“Now there are four of them if I recall correctly?” He nodded. “That must have been a busy conversation.” 

“Yeah, it was. The two older ones, Savannah and Caroline. They’re going to come down next week, in four days actually for a visit. Here. In LA. To see me.” 

It was the first time he felt anything but excitement about the prospect. He was still excited, but he also realized that his life was currently a wreck. They had waited 10 years, until they were all finally stable adults to try and form this relationship. Buck wasn’t stable though, for all intents and purposes he was stable enough to work. But  _ stable?  _ His emotions were in a state of flux, he just started a new relationship, and he and Maddie were fighting. He didn’t need Sav and Care to see that. He didn’t  _ want  _ them to see that. Afraid that they would decide to just write him off and not give him a real chance to prove himself. 

He knew he didn’t need them if they were bad people. They seemed like wonderful people though, and they were  _ family.  _ He had always craved that, it was his downfall for a long time. Something that  _ he  _ had preyed on when Buck was young. Buck really didn’t want it to fuck him over again. 

“How do you feel about that? You haven’t seen them since the funeral have you?” Vanessa asked gently, pulling him from his thoughts. 

“Excited, really excited.” He assured her. “But also nervous.” 

“Why nervous?” 

“What if they hate me? What if they decide I’m not worth it and they never speak to me again?” He bit his lip tugging at a piece of dead skin. 

“What if they do?” She asked plainly. “You have plenty of family here that will still be with you regardless of if this interaction goes well. So take a breath, let it go the way it will without stressing. Because if you overthink it you may drive them away trying to be perfect. You’re already good enough.” 

“But they’re  _ actually family.”  _

“So is your mother, but is she as important to you as the family you’ve created for yourself?”

Buck frowned. He hadn’t thought of it like that. “The 118 is more important to me than anything. Chris, Eddie, Bobby, Athena, Hen, and well something Chim cause right now he’s being sort of a dick. They’re the people I trust most in the world.” 

“So remember that going into this visit.” 

“I will.” He promised. 

+++

Buck frowned as he pulled into his shift two days later. Therapy had done a number on him, as had planning the call with the psychiatrist. She agreed to meet with him but hadn’t yet had time on her schedule. His med adjustment was going to have to wait, and he hated having to be on edge and constantly monitoring his own emotions. Eddie had been a godsend, he had spent the entire day before with him and Chris, getting Chris’ idea’s on the best sights to see in LA and explaining to him that he would be meeting some of Buck’s family. 

Eddie’s truck pulled in next to him and he smiled. He hopped out of his jeep grabbing his things, before waiting for Eddie to exit his truck so they could walk in together. He stood near the door of the truck, leaning against it waiting for Eddie to wrap up his phone conversation half listening. 

“Eddie, I’m not saying that Sophia was right to tell mom about you and Buck before you could. I’m just saying that you know she never keeps her mouth shut. Why are you so bugged?” Buck frowned, trying to identify the voice. He figured it was Adriana. 

Eddie caught his eye, but didn’t move to take the phone off speaker or roll up his window. He just held up a finger to Buck before replying to whoever was on the other end of the phone. “Because I want to be able to text the two of you things without the entire family getting their expectations up. Abuela called me to ‘casually’ ask how Buck was doing.” 

“She checks up on him anyways. Ever since the tsunami you told me that.” She pointed out, she sounded annoyed. Buck frowned, he hadn’t known that. With the expression on Eddie’s face it was clear he wasn’t supposed to either. 

“Yes, but this is different. I want to be able to figure things out with my boyfriend without our entire family being disappointed if it doesn’t work out.” Eddie said. He shot Buck an uneasy look. “Not that I think it won’t.” He added quickly. 

“I’m not saying that she should have told her Eddito. But honestly.” She sighed. “She’s just happy for you.” 

“I know she is! Okay Adri? I’m not a total jackass I know.” Eddie yelled. He took a deep breath before quieting down again. “I just feel like it’s a lot of pressure from all of you that’s all.” 

“I’ll tell them to back off.” Adri assured him. 

“Thank you.” He said softly. 

“But things are well? You’re just upset about the pressure and nothing else?” She prodded. 

Buck suddenly regretted being there. He moved to walk away, but Eddie’s hand shot out the window and clutched onto him. He frowned, unsure of what to make of it. 

“That’s it.” Eddie said with confidence. “Listen I’m at work now Adri, I gotta go. I’ll call you later okay? Love you.” 

“Love you too.” The line went dead a second later, and Eddie pressed his head against the steering wheel. 

“Why do sisters suck?” He asked, turning to peek at Buck out of the corner of his eye. 

“I wish I fucking knew.” Buck told him with a laugh. He resolved not to bring up his Maddie issues. He wanted Eddie to be able to talk about Sophia without that guilt hanging over his head. 

However there was yet another new text sitting in his inbox from her. It went unanswered. It wasn’t an apology, and he still wasn’t ready to forgive. The words however were still burned into his memory, taunting him for being a bad brother. 

**Maddie: Evan, you’re being a child. Will you please just answer me. This is stupid. I want to talk to you. I have news. Just come over. I’ll tell you and mom together. After your shift okay? Love you.**

He hated it. How she could at the same time poke at him, but end the message with a ‘love you’ like it was a band aid. He wanted to forgive and forget, but it burned at the back of his throat like cheap vodka every time he thought of the word forgive. There had been no apology. In some ways Buck was thankful Maddie was like their mother in that way. Whenever Buck and his mom fought, they never said sorry. They poked at the deepest wounds, hurt each other in the meanest ways. Then would just fall back into some bad patterns all over again, the concept of forgiveness ingrained into them because they didn’t have anyone else. 

_ He  _ always bought Buck’s forgiveness. In doing so, he ruined things. When Buck moved to college he left half of his room behind because they were ‘gifts’.  _ He  _ had ruined certain music, movies, stores. Things that Buck was still learning, because he would assume he was fine until he was being thrown into a flashback. 

Knowing that Maddie didn’t adopt that habit should have been soothing. But it still hurt. Because he knew neither way was right, neither of them really worked. And Buck had spent so much of his life, his time in therapy, learning how to say sorry. Maddie never did the work, but somehow still Buck was the bad guy. The damaged one. He knew it wasn’t fair, because Maddie was also in therapy. But it was situational. He knew she never would have gone if it weren’t for Doug and he hated that it had happened to her in the first place. 

Finally Eddie hopped out of the truck, landing on his feet next to Buck with his duffle bag in hand. He bumped his shoulder into Buck’s with a smile, something that was becoming sort of a habit for them. A comforting action, it made Buck feel warm. A smile gracing his lips without having to think about it. 

“It’s not that I don’t  _ want  _ them to know.” Eddie assured him quietly. Buck nodded. 

“I understand. You just wanted to be able to tell them in your own time. Figure everything out for yourself before getting all of their expectations into it.” He confirmed. 

Eddie looked relieved. “Exactly.” 

“I’m not offended. It’s the same reason we aren’t telling the team yet. Your family is no different to me. It doesn’t bother me.” He promised. 

They walked into the firehouse and the conversation about the two of them ceased. “So this is our last shift before the big day. Are you excited?” Eddie asked. 

Buck shrugged. “I mean, after I went home I spent maybe four hours stress cleaning my entire apartment. But I’m mostly excited, yes.” 

“They’re going to love you.” Eddie assured him quietly. They slipped into the locker room to change. 

“They’re going to love you too. I swear Savannah is over the moon about the idea of meeting you.” Buck told him. 

“Really?” Eddie asked, scrunching up his nose. It made Buck want to kiss him, he was getting used to the idea of that feeling popping up more in regards to Eddie. It felt nice, good. 

“Yeah, she’s in this ‘not relationship’ with this lawyer who works for the city. He’s in her office a lot because she works in city government. Caroline says that they’re obnoxious but will probably get married someday if they can stop hate boning when they’re mad and use their words. But Sav is obsessed with matchmaking other people's relationships to project off of her own.” He explained. He was pleased, he didn’t even realize how much he had learned about them. 

“She set up Caroline with her wife right?” Eddie asked. 

“Yeah, Care says that Savannah will never let her forget it. But you can tell that she’s just happy that they all get along.” He had felt the same way about Maddie and Chim. 

Not that he had set them up. But just the joy and relief that his family, and well his other family was meshing so well. That he never had to choose between them. He hated how it was seeming to backfire on him. 

They finished dressing, putting their things in their lockers walking up the stairs together. “So they’re pretty close huh?” Eddie asked. 

“Who?” Chim asked, shoving half a doughnut into his mouth. 

“Caroline, Savannah, and Emma.” Buck said awkwardly. 

“Hey about them.” Chim said around his mouth of food. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” He asked, frown etched onto his face. 

Buck sighed nodding. “Sure man, what’s up.” 

“I was resolved to leave Maddie’s name out of the station. I wanted to apologize to you for being a dick, you don’t need your family drama brought to work. I would be pretty pissed if someone did that to me, and I really wasn’t thinking it through.” He started.

“Thank you.” Buck told him sincerely. 

“With that being said. I didn’t realize that you hadn’t told Maddie that your other sisters were planning a visit.” He continued. “I mentioned it around her, and she was pretty shocked and upset. I just wanted you to know.” 

Buck sighed. He honestly couldn’t fault Chim for sharing that, he had been sharing it with everyone under the sun  _ except  _ Maddie. Added with the fact that he used to share just about everything with her. He decided to focus on the fact that he had apologized instead, and to leave it at that. 

“It’s all cool man. You didn’t know, besides you and Maddie share everything you’re dating. It doesn’t bother me.”  _ Lie.  _ “As long as we’re cool, I’m cool.” He promised. 

“Yeah brother we’re cool.” Chim said, pulling him into a hug. 

+++

Eddie pulled his phone out of his pocket with a frown. They were halfway through with their shift, and everyone was pretty much doing their own thing. He himself was in the bunk room about to try and nap. 

Maddie’s name was flashing across the caller ID and he swiped to answer confused. The bulk of their conversations lately had been about him checking in on Buck, but he felt  _ wrong  _ doing that for her now. Especially when she should have known Buck was at work with them. 

“Eddie, hey you answered I wasn’t sure you would.” She said across the line, as if she could read his mind. 

“What’s up?” He asked, aiming for politeness. 

“Buck isn’t talking to me.” She said, as if it explained anything. 

“Uh, yeah. I sort of know that. What do you want Maddie?” He asked with a sigh, resolving himself to giving up on that nap. 

“Do you know why?” She asked. 

“I don’t feel comfortable with you putting me in the middle of this.” He didn’t know how  _ she  _ felt comfortable putting him in the middle of it honestly. He knew that he had talked to her before, and helped her out a bit. But the circumstances were different, those were emergencies. Now she was asking him to rat out his boyfriend to her. It felt dirty. 

“I know you’re his best friend,” she said, like he was stupid. 

“Boyfriend.” Eddie corrected. He wasn’t sure why, if Maddie didn’t know he didn’t need to tell her. But he hated the idea that she didn’t. Especially when they had been operating under the assumption that she already knew. 

“Oh.” She paused. “I didn’t realize your date had gone that well.” She finished awkwardly. 

“There’s a lot you don’t realize, Maddie.” He said coldly.

She huffed. “That’s because he isn’t talking to me!” She yelled. 

“And you’re yelling at me why?” He asked. He knew he was being testy but he was tired, and holding Maddie’s hand through a fight with her brother,  _ his boyfriend,  _ was both tiring, and not his job. 

“He talks to you. About everything, you’re the closest person I’ve ever seen him to. Even when he had TK back in college, or he was dating Ali, or anyone else. He never, he was never like he was with you.” She sounded like she was frowning. “I just figured if anyone knew how to help, it would be you.” 

“Maddie, this is something you need to figure out for yourself.” He told her sadly. 

“But he won’t even let me try.” She said, tone pleading. “If you could tell me why he’s mad or at least tell him to talk to me. So that we can figure it out, work it out.” She continued. 

“I can’t.” 

“Why?” She asked, tone harsh. 

“Why don’t you look at your own actions?” He shot back. “You know instead of begging for other people to fix things for you. Figure out why you seem to be failing to fix them yourself.” 

“Fuck you.” She spat. 

“Goodbye Maddie.” 

“Eddie, wait.” She said quickly. “I didn’t mean that, there has just been a lot going on. That wasn’t fair to you, I’m sorry.” 

He let out a breath. “I’m listening.” 

“Is it them?  _ Savannah  _ and Caroline?” She asked. He frowned at her tone. “Did they get into his head?” 

“Maddie, they’re not in his head, whatever that means. They’re coming for a visit that he’s excited about and has every right to be. Stop thinking about other people, and think about yourself and what you’ve done. I don’t really think you can place blame here.” He told her. 

He wanted to tell her to apologize. That what she did was wrong and she needed to say she was sorry. But he also knew that if it came from him, it wouldn’t be what Buck needed. That he would never know if Maddie really meant it. He refused to take that from him. 

“He never stays mad this long. I did what we always do. I’ve texted him multiple times, it’s his turn to reply. But he’s not responding, and I don’t get it.” She laughed, but it was too high. “I just, he never goes this long without talking to me. Even when we were younger and I broke his favorite toys, or hurt his feelings really badly. We took a week and moved past it. We would just start talking again. Do you and your sisters do that?” She asked. 

“No.” He told her, then he sighed. “Sophia and I do. We get on each other's nerves a lot, so sometimes we just take a break from talking. But typically when that happens I go to Adri and so does she, Adri tells us we’re both being stupid, sends a meme to the group chat and we both reply and it’s all done.” He explained. 

“Exactly!” Maddie yelled. 

“But,” he continued, ignoring her. Not sure how much he could say without it being downright intervention. “Whenever Adriana and I fight? That tends to last because she’s like my best friend and sister wrapped into one.” 

“So what do you do?” Maddie asked. 

“Typically we talk it out. We figure out why both of us are hurt, we apologize for whatever we did. Then we spend an absurd amount of time on facetime. Sometimes our mom gets involved.” 

“Buck and I aren’t like that.” She said, and Eddie debated slamming his head off a wall. 

“Well then I don’t know what to tell you.” He said. 

“I think you do, and you just don’t want to.” She challenged. 

“Maddie, if that is all you got from that then I’m really sorry for you. But listen, when it comes down to you and Buck? I’m on his side. He is my first choice, my first concern every time. I’m sorry if that’s rude. I’m sorry if that doesn’t help you. But he has been my best friend for longer than he’s been my boyfriend and it was the same even then.” He told her evenly. 

“You’ll take care of him at least.” She said after a few minutes. “I’m sorry for asking you to get in the middle of it Eddie. That was uncalled for. I’ll let you go.” She said, ending the call before he could reply. 

He sighed, laying down on the bed. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to sleep, but his body was still exhausted. He frowned as he typed out the text, but he also knew it wasn’t right to keep this from Buck. 

**To Buck: Can you come to the bunks?**

**Buck: Kinky I like it ;)**

**Buck: I’m kidding, we’d never do anything at work. I would never risk our jobs like that, I’ll be right there**

Eddie felt a smile pulling at the corner of his lips. Even with the conversation they needed to have, he knew Buck would be fine. Moments later, he slipped into the bunk room. He didn’t bother turning on the lights, which Eddie was thankful for. He could feel a headache brewing. The bed dipped as Buck sat next to him, fingers carding through his hair. 

“What’s the matter?” He asked, it was barely a whisper. 

“Maddie just called me.” Eddie said back, not sure of how to broach it gently. 

“I don’t want to know.” Buck replied, tone firm. Eddie frowned. 

“What?” 

“Whatever she said, I don’t want to know.” Buck said again. “I can’t keep hearing about her from other people.” 

“I’m sorry.” Eddie told him, moving to sit up. 

Buck leaned down, pressing a kiss to Eddie’s forehead. “No, please don’t be. I am so thankful that you were going to tell me, I truly am. But I know it isn’t going to be what I want to hear from her, because that needs to come from her. So I’ve resolved to just be done with all of that until that happens.  _ If  _ it even happens.” 

“Okay.” Eddie said easily. 

“You’re amazing.” Buck told him, eyes shining. He moved, pressing a kiss to Eddie’s lips before standing. “I’m getting out of here to let you sleep okay? You look exhausted.” 

“You don’t have to.” Eddie mumbled, but Buck was right. And the tension was easing out of him quickly. 

“I know.” Buck said, voice just a whisper again. He ran his fingers through Eddie’s hair once more, and his eyes slipped shut. “Go to sleep, love.” Buck told him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long for this update, I had a lot of classwork. I hope it was worth it (as always let me know what you think in the comments :)) Next chapter we finally get to meet Savannah and Caroline, are y'all as excited as I am? So much excitement and drama is planned so stay tuned. Also two fun facts about me, I have been in therapy since I was 10, so I called upon so many different therapists in order to write Vanessa. And I have also gotten a boyfriend by asking a guy to 'go steady' with me.  
> National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673  
> National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233  
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Or as always in case of any emergency call 9-1-1.


	7. Are you a hugger?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The LA TRIP! is finally upon us. The siblings get to meet some new acquaintances and the firehouse has a dinner party that gets a little out of hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!  
> TW for this chapter: discussions of sexual abuse of a minor, discussions of physical abuse of a minor, mentions of drinking, mentions of disassociation  
> Overall this was a pretty rough chapter for me to write. I am so so so sorry about the wait and how long it took me. I dropped from mania and then the idea of writing such a heavy chapter took a lot out of me. I really hope it's worth the wait!

Buck woke up with a grin on his face. The day was finally happening, and he had about two hours to kill before he drove to the airport to pick up his sisters. He briefly wished that he hadn’t deep cleaned his apartment already, just to give him something to do with his hands. The rest of the team had a shift that day, so he couldn’t really call Eddie. Half of him wanted to call Maddie, to share in the excitement. But he tamped that down, there would be no bringing that into his excitement. He pulled out his phone surprised to see that he had a slew of messages. Not just from his sisters. 

**Eddie: Let me know how everything goes :)**

**Eddie: You’ll be great, they’ll love you. We both do**

**Eddie: *sent an image***

Buck smiled seeing Eddie and Chris crammed into a selfie both giving him a thumbs up. He felt his heart fluttering in warmth. He didn’t know what he would do without Eddie, and he was ready for the teasing Caroline promised him was going to come from Savannah. He had done a lot of thinking Eddie and him, how they seemed to work together. He figured that maybe when his sisters left they could try and take things to the next level. He trusted him, and everything that Vanessa said had been sort of right. He was holding back to try and not hurt them both, but he didn’t think he needed to do that. He was more sure of where they stood, how he felt about his best friend,  _ boyfriend.  _ He was still smiling at his phone as he clicked out of the photo to reply. 

**To Eddie: You two are amazing, I don’t know what I would do without either of you. Have a good shift! Don’t have too much fun without me**

He clicked out of their thread, ignoring the messages he still hadn’t opened from Maddie. No apology had come yet, and opened up the LA trip group chat. 

**Caroline to LA TRIP!: So excited for today! Getting on the plane now, see you in three hours!**

**Savannah to LA TRIP!: Emma wants to know if you’re making a sign.**

**Caroline to LA TRIP!: Don’t feel like you have to, she just wants to know what to look out for. She’s never seen you before outside of a facetime screen.**

**Savannah to LA TRIP!: I told her to look out for a gentle giant because for some reason we both got our height from dad**

**Caroline to LA TRIP!: Lucky sons of bitches**

**Savannah to LA TRIP!: It’s not my fault you’re tiny**

**Caroline to LA TRIP!: 5’2 is a perfectly respectable height!**

**Savannah to LA TRIP!: You’re like a foot shorter than Buck it’s hilarious**

**Caroline to LA TRIP!: I hate you both**

Buck grinned down at his phone, formulating his response. Thinking fondly of the night before. Chris had insisted it was the only proper to pick people up with a sign, and helped him make one complete with glitter. It was a mess, but he adored it. 

**Buck to LA TRIP!: I’m excited! Two more hours! I do have a sign, Chris helped me make it.**

**Buck to LA TRIP!: We are indeed the son(s) and daughters of a bitch ;) but 5’2 is a fine height Care. You are exactly a foot shorter than me tho lol**

He locked his phone with a smile, jumping out of bed, heading to take a shower. He was glad that Emma decided to take the friday off so that they could fly out in the morning. They swore that it would be less chaotic that way, but for him it just meant he didn’t have to wait around all day for them to show up. He stopped quickly popping his meds in his mouth. He was still waiting for his appointment to fix the issues he was having. 

He wasn’t sure how he was going to go about the whole issue around Savannah and Caroline. Telling people about his disorder wasn’t something he was used to, but the idea of lying to them if it came up felt weird. He and Maddie were always so honest with each other about well just about everything. Buck didn’t expect to have the same relationship with them as he did with Maddie, but he also figured that he would never get to that point if he started off by lying. Plus it was different.

When he kept things from the 118 it was because he had no idea what they were going to end up meaning to him. They were his colleagues first, and with such a high stress job he never wanted to risk them not trusting him to have their backs. Plus he had made the mistake while he was at one of the bars down in Mexico of mentioning his disorder to a coworker. He ended up sleeping with the guy to try and get him to see that Buck was fine, because he was always concerned about ‘temptations.’ The whole situation left a sour taste in his mouth and he didn’t want a repeat. 

Sure he had hid more than he meant to from the 118, and it was something he could come to terms with now. But there was less of that need with Savannah and Caroline, plus they already  _ knew  _ so much. They had also been so honest with him that he wanted to match their energy. 

He decided that he was putting too much thought in a theoretical, running a hand down his face and heading to the shower. He would decide if the situation arose, what he would do then. 

+++ 

Buck was holding his sign up, waiting in the pickup area when he saw the fluff of red hair that was soon becoming familiar to him. Savannah had been right, Caroline was tiny compared to her. Emma was also short in comparison, but not by as much. Savannah was just tall. He waved brightly at them, Savannah seeing him first, taking off in a run towards him. 

She threw herself into his arms in a tight hug. “It’s so good to see you!” She yelled, he didn’t even care that she was yelling into his ear. He was just excited to see her. 

He hugged her back as tight as he could with one arm still holding the sign. They finally let go, and Caroline and Emma caught up to them. Caroline also moved, folding him into a hug, while Emma just waved with a smile. She moved, short locks of brown hair falling into her face to grab the sign from him. He briefly noted that she vaguely looked like Ali before ridding the thought from his mind. 

“This is adorable, you said you and Christopher made it?” She asked, eyes tracing down the lettering. 

He felt a rush of fondness and pride, that he always associated with Chris. “Yeah, last night. It was mostly him, I just supervised with the spelling of your names and all that jazz.” 

“It’s absolutely adorable. Can we take it home with us?” Caroline asked, leaning into her wife, also inspecting the handiwork. 

Buck blinked in surprise. “Yeah, of course. It’s kind of messy though.” He said awkwardly. 

“We can laminate it.” Emma assured him. 

“Alright, enough standing around an airport.” Savannah said, grabbing the handle of her carryon again. “To your car, and then to get lunch.” She nudged Buck who nodded, leading the way out of the airport. 

“How was the flight?” He asked, aiming for politeness. 

Caroline snorted. “It was boring, Savannah will tell you a different story though.” 

“A fear of airplanes is perfectly rational thank you very much.” Savannah defended. 

“Yeah, the stats on plane crashes are pretty crazy. We had one once, and there were actually a lot of survivors surprisingly. One time Eddie and I had to unhook a guy off a moving plane because he got stuck trying to skydive. It was wild.” Buck said, before turning around wide eyed, realizing that probably wasn’t the information to give to someone afraid of planes. 

Savannah just grinned. “See!” She yelled, smacking her sister's arm. “I told you that it is absolutely rational.” 

“Was the guy okay?” Emma asked, as they approached the car. He opened the trunk, taking their bags and putting them all in. 

“Oh yeah, he was just fine.” He confirmed. 

He paused unsure about the seating arrangements in the car. There was enough space for them all in the back, but he was going to feel a little awkward if they all sat back there. Like he was chauffeuring them around, which he technically was. But still. Luckily Savannah saved him. 

“I call shotgun bitches!” She yelled, running to the front seat hopping in. 

“You know with the way she acts you would never realize that she’s a 32 year old woman with a mortgage.” Caroline said, rolling her eyes. 

“I mean, I’m the same way.” Buck said cheerfully. “No mortgage though, I rent an apartment.” 

“Is it possible for twins to be born 4 years apart?” She mused. “Because you look the same, you act the same.” She said with a small smile. 

“I think what she’s trying to say Buck, is that she’s no fun. And the last one in is a rotten egg.” Emma called, planting a kiss on her wife’s cheek before running past her hopping into the car, clearly jumping into a conversation with Savannah quickly. 

“Go.” Buck told her kindly. 

“What?” She asked, staring at him confused. 

“Get in the car, I’ll be last.” He said awkwardly. 

“I know my wife said I’m no fun, but you really don’t have to do that.” She told him. “It’s just how the two of them act.” 

“I know you’re fun. I’ve been talking to you for the past week and you planned half of our itinerary.” He told her easily. 

“So why?” 

“Because I can tell this is how you all are. And I know how nice it is to win one sometimes when you usually don’t.” 

“You’re a good guy Buck.” She replied, before getting into the car. He smiled, following suit getting into the driver's seat. 

“Alright so, lunch and then hotel check in right?” He asked, trying to recall the plan they had set out for the day. 

“Yes, we have a later check in, so we’d be too early now.” Emma confirmed. 

“Where are we going?” Savannah asked, clearly excited to be in LA. 

“There’s a pretty great taco place down by the hotel, I figured we could go there?” He asked, looking around. They all nodded, so he put the car in drive heading towards the restaurant. “Just do not tell Chris that’s where we went.” He said. 

“Why, is it like his favorite place?” Savannah asked laughing. 

“We can wait until dinner with Eddie and him to go there if you’d rather.” Caroline added. 

Buck shook his head no. “Nah, he’ll rat me out to Abuela and I really love her and all. But I don’t want to hear her talk about how that place isn’t as good as her food and if I want real tacos I can just go to her house.” 

“Are you close with his family?” Savannah asked, and Buck could sense the interrogation about his relationship that Caroline warned him about starting. He didn’t really mind though, he never minded talking about the Diaz’s. 

“Abuela and Pepa yeah.” He confirmed. “He’s from El Paso, so I only met the rest of his family once at his LAFD  shield  ceremony, and I was in a cast back then from the ladder truck incident and we weren’t dating yet so it was pretty brief.” 

“How long have you two been together?” 

“Honestly? Not very long, it’s all relatively new. But he’s been my best friend pretty much since he started at our station. Minus our first day where I was being a dick. We took a bomb out of a dude’s leg together though and we’ve been bonded ever since.” 

“I’m sorry, but did you just say you took a  _ bomb  _ out of someone?” Caroline asked, turning slightly pale. 

“Yeah, Eddie tells the story better than I do. But he’s great under pressure. He’s a veteran.” Buck explained, with a half smile. 

“So how did the two of you start then? Who asked who out?” Savannah asked. 

“Geez Sav, calm it down with the questions. It’s all new for him.” Emma chided. “Don’t worry Buck, she’s like this with everyone. She would have done this to Care and I if she wasn’t the person who introduced us.” 

“Excuse you, she did it to me anyways.” Caroline protested. 

“Yup, and I did it to Emma before you moved out to Seattle with us. Buck needs to get used to it, it’s a right of passage practically.” Savannah said, rolling her eyes. She then turned to Buck. “Just tell me if I go too far, or ask anything you don’t want to answer and I’ll back right off I swear.” She added. 

“She will, she’s good about that.” Emma confirmed from the backseat. 

“I was having a sort of rough night.” Buck started. He figured telling the story couldn’t hurt, and like they said, if he didn’t want to answer he could tell her to back off. He just had to trust that. “He came over to help me through it and I don’t know, I guess I had never realized that there could be  _ more  _ between us until then.” 

“So he asked you out?” Caroline asked.

“Not exactly,” he rubbed his free hand on the back of his neck. “More like I realized he had feelings and I told him to ask me out?” 

“Bold moves Buckley. My kind of guy.” Savannah yelled, laughing. 

“Too bad you don’t have the balls to do that with Patrick huh.” Emma jabbed at her teasing. 

“You’re just jealous of what Pat and I have.” Sav shot back, sticking her tongue out. 

“What’s the deal with you and him anyways?” Buck asked her. 

“He’s a lawyer, we met when a very upset constituent of the city of Seattle shot me on the steps of our building because of a law I was trying to help them pass.” She started to explain, an apology was on the tip of Buck’s tongue but she waved him off. “He showed up in my hospital room with a bouquet of daisies and the explanation that he was the city’s lawyer and was there to help me get justice. Which I didn’t want, the kid who shot me, he was just 16. I didn’t want to ruin his life.” 

“So what happened?” He asked softly, pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant. 

“Patrick and I fought a lot. I got better and soon enough we took the arguments about it from the hospital room to my office to my bedroom. Somewhere along the way we quit fighting.” She shrugged. “But he’s still a lawyer and technically one of my coworkers. Besides I’m pretty sure if he wanted more he would come and tell me that. It’s been 2 years.” 

“But do  _ you  _ want more?” He asked, and she frowned. 

“Food time?” Savannah asked instead of answering. 

+++

Buck felt at ease with his sisters, he now included Emma into that group after just one day. There was something about all of them that just calmed him, and they adopted him just as easily he thought. He felt nothing but excitement as he rang Bobby, and Athena’s doorbell with the group of them in tow. 

He didn’t need to wait long before Athena was opening the door and drawing him into her arms with a bright smile. “How are you doing baby?” She asked him quietly. 

“I’m doing really well, I promise.” He replied, squeezing her tight before letting her go. She looked him over, before she turned to the rest of the group. He was relieved, he hadn’t seen her since he dropped the bomb on her. Athena wasn’t the type of person to spill his secrets in front of anyone, he knew that. But he was glad that she was letting him off easy, he really was doing well. He had been dealing with  _ him  _ and all of that trauma for years. He knew how to pack it up and put it away. 

“Come on in.” She told them, waving a hand into the house, stepping back. 

“Thank you.” Savannah said brightly, passing off the bottle of wine they picked out. 

As soon as they were all inside Buck made the introductions. “‘Thena these are my sisters, Savannah, Caroline, and Emma. Guy’s this is Athena Grant.” He said with a bright smile. 

“It’s so lovely to meet you.” Emma said, sticking out a hand to shake. 

“Likewise.” Athena said, clasping their hands together softly. 

Savannah didn’t stand for such ceremony. “Are you a hugger?” She asked instead, opening her arms. 

“I sure am.” Athena replied warmly, stepping into the embrace. “I can tell you and Buckaroo are related.” 

“Well we have our mother’s to thank for how we were raised.” Savannah told her, stepping back. “And I know you’re like a mother to him out here, especially since Amber has been pretty useless since he graduated. So I wanted to say thank you.” 

Buck flushed bright red, but he could see that Athena was smiling, her eyes sparkling warmly. “Well we all love Buck, I’m glad you all reached out. He can always use more family.” Athena smiled, and turned her attention to him. “You got all of us so no more near death incidents you hear me? I don’t want to see you in the hospital again.” 

“You won’t.” He assured her. “Scouts honor.” 

“Scouts honor my ass.” She rolled her eyes fondly, and she turned towards the kitchen signaling for them to follow. “This boy nearly died on my back porch, I’m allowed to mother hen him occasionally.” She told them conspiratorially. 

“It was one time ‘Thena!” He defended. 

“One time too many.” She huffed. 

“I’m with her on this one.” Caroline said. “I would mother hen you all the time after that, be glad she only does it sometimes.” 

“Seriously Buck, after I got shot I swear she was going to have me quit my job and stay home with her.” Savannah said with an eye roll. 

“Now excuse me missy what’s this about getting shot?” Athena asked, turning her full attention to Savannah. 

“Haha!” Buck yelled. “See how you like it.” 

“Oh it was just a misunderstanding-” She started and Buck walked to the kitchen to find Bobby as Savannah tried to explain away a bullet wound. He could hear Caroline contradicting her at every turn. 

“Hey kiddo. Mind helping me finish cutting up vegetables for the salad?” He asked, nodding at the cutting board as Buck entered the kitchen. 

“Sure thing.” Buck agreed, heading to the sink to wash his hands before picking up a cucumber and slicing it thinly. 

“How has it been so far? You like them?” He asked quietly, nodding towards the dining room. 

Buck nodded easily. “They’re really great. It doesn’t even feel like I didn’t have them in my life before.” 

“And you’re doing alright?” He asked, eyeing Buck carefully. “Athena didn’t tell me any real specifics but I know you were having a rough time last time you came over. You don’t have to tell me anything but if at any point you need to talk I’m here. Or if you wanna sneak off and talk to Athena for a bit I can entertain our guests.” 

Buck shrugged. “I’m doing alright. She can talk to you about it, I don’t want there to be any secrets in your marriage.” And he really didn’t. Telling Athena was cathartic, but he always knew that if she knew there was a big chance Bobby would too. He just had to trust that they wouldn’t treat him any differently. “I would- I would tell you myself, but it’s not something I really talk about often. But I really don’t mind if you know.” He continued, trying to assure Bobby. 

“If she feels like it’s important to tell me since you said that then she will. I know you won’t want to talk about it but I’ll let you know if she does. I don’t want you walking around trying to figure out who knows what, but I can assure you it’ll stay between the three of us.” Bobby said, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. 

“Thank you.” Buck replied, he tried to swallow over the thick feeling in his throat. 

“Of course, now come on with those vegetables, kid we don’t have all night.” He teased, and Buck felt the tension ease out of him. 

“Yes sir.” He joked back. 

+++

After dinner they were all sitting around the kitchen table playing monopoly in teams of two. Buck was paired up with Savannah, Caroline with Emma, Bobby with Athena, and May with Harry. Michael hadn’t been able to make it to dinner, but it worked out in the end for the sake of the game if nothing else. 

“Do you have any brothers at all?” May asked him, looking around the table at his sisters. “Or did you manage to be the only boy in a group of all women?” 

“Hey I’m right here!” Harry yelled, and Buck felt something in his chest grow warm. 

“Yeah May, don’t forget about you and your brother in that sibling count.” Athena reminded her, and May rolled her eyes. 

“Geez I’m sorry!” She yelled. “But I’m serious, is this why you decided to drink your ‘respect women’ juice?” She teased. 

“Oh the stories I have that are not appropriate for young ears.” Bobby muttered, and Buck flushed red. He caught Savannah grinning, clearly having heard what Bobby said and he knew he would have to explain later. 

“I have one half brother. But yeah, for the most part it’s all girls. And I personally believe that everyone should drink their ‘respect women’ juice. Don’t ever forget that Harry.” He warned, and Harry nodded solemnly. 

“Oh believe me, everyone in this house reminds me.” Harry replied, and everyone broke out laughing. 

“It’s awesome that you guys decided to come down here, you guys didn’t really know each other as kids right?” Athena asked, and Savanna frowned but nodded. 

“Yeah, Tom was kind of distant as a dad so we were all raised by our moms. With the age gap between Buck and I, I never really got to know him.” She said, but Buck could hear something in her voice. 

“Yeah, and my mom was already remarried by the time Buck was old enough for play dates so she didn’t really want to revisit that whole chapter of her life.” Caroline added. 

“I just personally never got much of a say when it came to stuff like that. I never even met these two until Tom’s funeral. I met my other half siblings because I was living with Tom on and off when I was a teenager.” He finished. 

“You mentioned that before, was there any reason for it?” Bobby asked, and Athena frowned at him. 

“It’s really stupid honestly, just angsty teen stuff. But it did give me a chance to get to know my dad before he passed which I’m grateful for.” Buck said, trying to assure Athena he was fine with his expression. 

“I don’t blame him, no offense Buckley, but your clan was sort of a piece of work.” Savannah said vaguely. He raised his eyebrow, but it was Athena who asked. 

“I thought you didn’t know each other before?” She asked, and Savannah frowned deeply. 

“Not very well, but I hung around Maddie a bit as a kid? When Tom was dating Amber. And her and I met again when I was a freshman in college.” She said tightly. 

“Wait, Maddie never told me that?” Buck said, putting down the game entirely, distracted too much by the apparent family drama he hadn’t known about. 

“That doesn’t shock me at all, she was never my biggest fan.” She let out a puff of air. “That was doubles Care Bear you get to roll again.” She continued, turning all of her attention back to the game. 

“I know how monopoly works.” Caroline retorted, but she looked unsure. 

“We know you do love. She just likes to remind everyone of everything.” Emma assured, leaning into her wifes space. They seemed great together and Buck was really happy that she had that. 

Savannah lowered her voice and leaned into Buck a bit. “We can talk about it more, just not around everyone yeah? I don’t want to bring the mood down.” 

“Of course.” He said, squeezing her arm lightly. She grinned. 

He flashed back one of his own but the second she turned back to the game his face fell again. How had he never known that Maddie and Savannah went to school together? That Maddie had negative feelings to one of his siblings that she had always pretended she never knew. He had always thought it was a bit odd that she never knew anything about any of them because she normally took such care in aspects of his life. But was it just faked so she wouldn’t have to talk about her true feelings on the situation? 

A pang of bitterness crept under his skin. Who was she to hate his family? Especially when she told him so often that he wasn’t allowed to badmouth  _ him,  _ or their mom. Or hell even Tom. But she got to say all of that from a high and mighty throne, where the rules didn’t apply to her? He shook his head, and tried to get back into the game, Savannah was right. This wasn’t the place and he didn’t want to drag the mood down. 

Everything had been going really well. Athena and Bobby took to his sisters with ease, and he could already tell that May really liked Caroline. She had spent half of their time at dinner asking her about everything. He would have thought it was Savannah she got along with, just because of what she did for a living but he was just as glad it was Caroline. Even if she did seem slightly overwhelmed by it at first. 

This was his family, and he got to do things like play monopoly with them. He never got that before, and he was ready to bask in it for as long as he could. 

+++

Eddie was tired as he came into work. Buck had called him late just to go over everything that had happened at family dinner with the Grant’s. From everything he had gotten it went really well minus the things Savannah had said about Maddie. He got why Buck was upset. He really did, and he wished he had better answers, but he hoped just staying on the phone and letting Buck talk in circles about it had helped. 

Even if it had exhausted him. He just hoped it would be a slow day at work so maybe he could try and nap a bit. He also had plans with Buck and his sisters after the shift was over. He knew Buck would be understanding of letting him sleep for however long he needed, but he felt bad making them wait. Especially since he had promised Chris that, yes he could take the day off of school to meet them. Normally he wouldn’t but with the compressed timeline he felt it was only fair to extend it into a long weekend for the kid to let him meet Buck’s family. 

Apparently his exhaustion showed on his face, because the second he finally ascended the stairs Hen was letting out a low whistle. “Boy, you look like hell.” 

“I didn’t get a lot of sleep.” He said, with a rough shrug before dropping next to her at the table. 

“Chris?” Chim asked. 

“Nah, Buck called me to talk about something weird Savannah had said to him.” He said, unsure if he should be revealing that to Chim. He had been pretty firm on Team Maddie, and already weird about Buck’s sisters. He didn’t need to give the guy more ammo. 

“He seemed fine when he left our house last night?” Bobby asked, approaching the table with plates. 

“Wait you got to meet them?” Hen asked, sounding a bit hurt. Eddie supposed he would be too, Buck had talked about how excited he was for the visit but never mentioned actually bringing them along to meet everyone. 

“Athena insisted.” Bobby said with ease. Eddie knew that was a lie, but the look he got from Bobby shut him right up. 

“Hey uh, did that weird thing have anything to do with Maddie by any chance?” Chim asked him, rubbing a hand along the back of his neck. 

Eddie frowned deeply at him. “It did,” he started slowly. “Why?” 

“She also said some weird stuff to me about Buck’s sisters.” He revealed. “I know I was kind of a dick about them coming down, but man if you had heard the stuff Maddie has said before, you would get why. I’m beginning to think that she was pretty off base though.” 

Eddie despite himself leaned into the conversation. Buck had said he felt awful for trusting Savannah on all of this without even talking to Maddie. That Maddie had always been his sister, and she still was even if they were fighting. It was part of why they had been up so late talking about it all. Because of how guilty Buck seemed for even considering that Maddie was in the wrong. So sue him, he wanted to know if he was right. 

“What kind of stuff did she say about them?” He asked, and it seemed like Hen was interested too. Bobby even stopped to listen as soon as he put the tray of french toast on the table. 

Chim seemed to flush under the spotlight, which was unlike the guy. “She kinda said that Buck’s dad was a pretty shitty guy. Which yeah Buck had confirmed for us, so I mean it wasn’t that weird. I thought it was pretty weird that she had never talked about him before though you know? Like until Buck told us that they had different dads she always let me think that Dean had raised them both no problems.” 

“Yeah I thought that was weird too,” Hen added. 

“Yeah, so when we found out I talked to Maddie about it. And she started telling me all about how Savannah was this wild child, and how she always thought she would be an awful influence on Buck. That he didn’t need any reminders of his dad in his life anyways. Which was weird because he lived with him?” Chim asked, half looking to Eddie for confirmation. 

“Yeah, he lived with him part time ever since he was 16, but I don’t think Maddie actually knew that.” He said awkwardly. 

“Then she said that she knew Savannah in college, which was weird right? Like if she knew her why didn’t Buck?” He finished, looking around the table for help. 

Eddie frowned, but jumped in with his, or well Buck’s side of things. “Yeah, Buck said Savannah and Maddie went to college together but Maddie never told him. That she always acted like she never even knew his sisters at all, but then she was keeping that from him.” 

“Maybe she was just trying to look out for him?” Hen offered. 

“I don’t think keeping him from his family was looking out for him.” Bobby said, which surprised Eddie because normally he kept out of things like this. “And Savannah, Caroline, and Emma are all perfectly nice girls that Buck is lucky to have in his life.” He finished. 

“I think she just didn’t want to be replaced.” Chim said sadly. “She’s really upset that they’re down here and Buck never even told her. You know they still aren’t talking?” He asked. 

“Yeah, well I think if Maddie stopped treating him like he was a child then she wouldn’t be having these issues.” Eddie defended. 

“I mean she is his big sister.” Hen pointed out, but Eddie just rolled his eyes. 

“You say that, but you’re an only child. If I ever treated Sophia the way Maddie is treating Buck right now? She would kill me, or Adri would. Maybe my mom.” He stopped shaking his head slightly. “The point is. I’ll always be her big brother, but she’s an adult. Her own person, who is married with children. If I always just saw her as a kid I wouldn’t have a relationship with her anymore.” 

“I guess I never thought of it that way.” Chim said, then he looked at Eddie critically. “Do you think he’s going to forgive her?” 

Eddie frowned. “I don’t know why you’re asking me that.” He deflected. 

“Come on Eddie, you know him better than anyone. Just help a brother out.” He pleaded. 

“I would, but I already told Maddie I wasn’t getting into the middle of it anymore when she called me. I think this is something they really need to sort out on their own. And if she’s worried about being replaced maybe she should look at the fact that she had a habit of leaving him first.” Eddie said, and Chim frowned. 

He figured he was going to get reamed out for simplifying the Doug situation, but that wasn’t where he went. “Wait, she called you about it?” 

Eddie nodded slowly. “Yeah, she’s called me a bunch lately. That night after he told us about his dad because he wanted me to check up on him. After they uh, fought. And then again after that demanding to know if I knew why he was still mad at her.” 

“She’s just going through a lot right now. I didn’t realize she was putting you in the middle of that. I’ll talk to her.” Chim promised, and Eddie shrugged. 

“Is she okay?” Bobby asked. 

“Yeah, she’s great. Everything is fine.” Chim said a little too quickly. 

Hen shot him a weird look but the whole thing was dropped luckily and Eddie could finally serve himself some food. 

+++

Eddie had taken an hour nap, and he felt like he was ready to go, or at least ready enough. He had managed to actually get some sleep on his shift luckily. He also knew that he wasn’t going to be able to push it off much longer, Chris was bouncing off the walls in excitement about the day they had planned ahead with ‘his Bucky’s sisters. 

So he had texted Buck who had said they were all going to meet at the park with some picnic food for a sort of brunch. He then apologized for not being able to drive everyone. “Alright Buddy, what are the rules?” He asked, glancing at Christopher in the backseat as they pulled up to the park. 

“Use my manners, be nice to Bucky’s sisters, and ask before I give anyone hugs.” He said, and Eddie grinned. 

“That’s right. Are you excited?” He asked, pulling into a parking spot, before jumping out of the car to the backseat to ease Chris down. He passed him his crutches allowing him to get balanced before starting to walk at a slow pace.

“Yes!” He yelled. 

Eddie scanned the park for the familiar blonde hair, and grinned when he found it. Buck stood up, and waved them over with a smile. He looked over at his company and realized that Buck wasn’t lying. He and Savannah really did look a lot alike. He wasn’t exactly sure if the redhead or the brunette was Buck’s other sister, but he figured it didn’t matter. Buck had said he really took to Emma and considered her like family as well. He sort of hoped that the redhead was his sister, but the brunette looked a lot like Buck’s ex. 

They finally got over to the group, and everyone stood. “I’m Savannah!” The blonde yelled. “Do you hug?” She asked, and Eddie barely had time to nod before he was being dragged into her arms. 

She pulled back, and dropped on one knee in front of Christopher, it reminded Eddie of the way Buck always greeted him. “Hi dude, I’m Savannah, but you can call me Sav. I hear you’re his best friend.” She said, in a stage whisper. 

Chris grinned. “I am!” He yelled, and Eddie shot him a look. “I’m Christopher by the way.” He added, and Eddie smiled. 

“Do you do hugs?” She asked, and Chris nodded. She leaned in hugging him around the crutches like they weren’t an obstacle. It eased something in Eddie. 

“Daddy says it’s always important to ask people before you give them hugs.” Chris said, and Savannah’s eyes twinkled as she looked at Eddie. 

“Well your daddy is a smart man. Consent is always important.” She winked. 

Buck walked over, drawing Eddie into his arms quickly pressing a kiss onto his lips before drawing back. It was stupid, but the simple gesture made Eddie blushed. They hadn’t really done anything around other people, even keeping their touches around Chris to the same level they had been pre relationship. It was different to have him show affection in front of so many people. Even if Eddie knew that they knew. 

“Eddie, this is Caroline,” he pointed to the short redhead. “And her wife Emma.” He finished pointing to the Ali lookalike. 

“I’m Eddie, Buck’s boyfriend,” he felt the tips of his ears getting hot over that word. “It’s nice to meet both of you.” He finished. 

“You said you hug?” Emma asked, and he nodded once more being drawn into yet another person's arms. It seemed like this easy affection ran in Buck’s family. 

“I don’t really hug much, but I’m game if you are.” Caroline said, opening her arms. Eddie laughed, shrugging. He leaned down to give her a quick hug. 

Buck moved giving Chris a large hug when the kid launched himself into his arms. “Buddy these are my other sisters Caroline, and Emma.” He said and Chris smiled. They went through the motions of introductions before they were all finally sitting down to eat. 

Eddie smiled as he heard Emma engage Chris in a conversation about his sign making skills. Which of course drew Buck into the story of retelling the entire event. Caroline seemed pretty content to just lean into her wife, and listen. So it left Eddie with Savannah. 

He didn’t really mind, he definitely saw a lot more of himself in Buck’s other sister, but he could tell there was something on Savannah’s mind with the way she wasn’t letting herself get drawn into the group conversation. 

“So you two are pretty new right?” She asked, it was easy to hear her even if she was being quiet enough to not disrupt the other conversation happening. 

Eddie nodded, with a small shrug. “Yeah, but he’s been my best friend since I moved to LA. This is just taking the next step.” He wasn’t sure why, but it felt important that she knew that. That his place in Buck’s life was bigger than just ‘new boyfriend’. 

“Oh believe me I know.” She said with a small snort. “He talks about you a lot, and Chris too. It’s easy to see that the pair of you are a huge part of his life.” She assured. 

Eddie felt a little more relaxed at that. “Oh.” 

“Listen, could I maybe actually get some advice from you?” She asked, and for the first time since he had seen her, she looked unsure. It wasn’t a great look on her, because she was like Buck. Someone that exuded confidence and even when he didn’t, he was great at faking it. 

“I’m not sure I’m always the best at that but I’ll give it a go.” He offered. 

“I love Care, and Em, and Buck too.” She started, but then she frowned. “But I don’t know. Care and Em are too close to the situation, and even though he never really knew me before, Ev is still my brother. I want someone outside of all of this.” She explained. 

“Alright, hit me with it.” 

“How did you take the next step with Evan?” She asked, and Eddie frowned. “Because I’ve sort of got my own, really close person who I would like to date but am not sure of how to go about it.” She frowned, picking at the corner of her thumb. 

“How about you tell me more about him, and I’ll see if that advice will work.” He said, and she looked sort of relieved. He could tell she didn’t get to talk about it a lot. 

“His name is Patrick. He’s, okay we’re like friends with benefits. But honestly we’re friends first. I know that the sex confuses things, and it probably sounds so stupid to be afraid of having feelings for a guy I’ve been sleeping with for two years.” She let out a breath. 

“It’s not stupid.” He promised. 

“I never had great role models for love growing up. My mom had me by accident, and she loves me. She would never let me think she didn’t. But she never remarried. Caroline's mom did, Emma’s parents were always together. Even Buck has a dad.” Eddie felt that same rush of anger pass over his face, and Savannah faltered a bit. 

“Small piece of advice.” He said, and she nodded. “Don’t mention Buck’s stepfather to him.” Savannah looked surprised but nodded quickly. 

“Noted. But yeah. I guess I thought I could do the whole easy breezy, no attachments thing. But I’m 32. I want a fucking baby someday, and I want it with Patrick. But I mean, if he wanted that he would have said right?” She asked, and it seemed like she was finally finished. 

“You said that you two have been doing this for two years?” He asked and she nodded. “And are either of you sleeping with other people?” She shook her head no. “I mean, this is just my opinion but I’m willing to bet that he doesn’t want anyone else either.” 

“Yeah, but like what if it’s just because I’m convenient?” 

“He’s definitely met other people who could have been convenient, or that showed interest, he didn’t take them up on it.” 

“You’re sure?” 

“I was married when I bet Buck. Separated, but technically married. Once she- she died.” Savannah’s eyes softened when he mentioned Shannon’s death but he just shrugged. “I had other offers, sure, other people that it could have been easy, but I was too into him to even consider it. That’s just my side of things.” 

“Why hasn’t he said anything?” 

“Why haven’t you?” 

She sighed. “I guess I’m just afraid that if I do I’ll lose him for good.” 

Eddie put a hand on her knee, and smiled. “Yeah, but it sounds like he’s worth the risk. And maybe he hasn’t said anything because he thinks you just want ‘easy breezy’.” 

“You said you weren’t the best at advice, but I think that’s bullshit.” She said, nudging him with her shoulder. “Thank you, Eddie. Seriously.” 

“Anytime.” He said, and then to lighten the mood he continued. “Besides I have to get on the family's good side don’t I?” He asked, and she grinned. 

+++

Buck had a shift, but nothing was going to bring him down from his cloud of happiness. The meeting between Eddie, Chris, and his sisters had gone off without a hitch. The entire day was spent in a good mood, and Chris was excited to not only be off school, but to run around LA doing fun things. The whole experience had him riding on a high. 

The back to back calls in the morning had also gone off without any issues, so in all reality everything was just going in his favor. He wasn’t sure if his apparent bad days were coming to a close, but he was grateful nonetheless. 

He plopped down next to Eddie on the couch after he had gotten out of the shower leaning into his boyfriend's space. He was careful not to be too obvious about their change in relationship status but he did have to admit it was nice to run around and be open about it the day prior. It felt giddy almost, and the whole idea that Eddie liked him more was starting to slip away from him. He was so into Eddie Diaz it hurt. 

Eddie just turned to him with a small smile. “What’s got you in such a good mood?” He questioned, and Buck just shrugged. 

“I’m just glad that yesterday went well.” He said, and Hen perked up. 

“What did you do yesterday?” She sounded amused, and she was resting her chin on her hand. 

“Buck and I let Chris skip school so we could spend the day sightseeing around LA.” Eddie said. “I have some of the pictures on my phone.” 

Buck nodded, and they would definitely have to use Eddie’s phone to show off any photos because the coupley photos were all saved onto Buck’s. Savannah had insisted on taking some, swearing to him that he would want those memories forever. He didn’t bother fighting her on it. 

“Oh.” Hen said, and her voice sounded a bit tight. “Eddie and Chris met them all as well?” 

Buck frowned, he hadn’t considered that Hen would be hurt by the prospect that she wasn’t meeting his sisters. He had just been so concerned about keeping them away from Maddie and by extension Chim. “Uh yeah, I might ask them to drop by next shift though?” He offered, but he knew it came out as a question. 

Hen just shrugged. “I mean, I’d love to meet them if you do.” She offered, but didn’t say anything else on the subject. 

“Buck, can you lend me a hand with dinner?” Bobby called, and Buck nodded. He gave a final parting smile to the group before jogging to the kitchen. 

He took a look at all the ingredients and frowned. “You planning on feeding an army cap?” He asked, and Bobby shrugged. 

“Athena said she was coming by with your sisters. They wanted to see where you work and didn’t want to inconvenience you. I figured it would be nice to have dinner for everyone.” Bobby said, and Buck nodded slowly. 

He wasn’t sure how he felt about it, but he was happy that they reached out to Athena when they needed something. It felt nice that both halves of his family were getting along. The family he was born with, and the family he chose. Although he supposed he was also choosing his sisters too in a way. 

It brought him back to Maddie. Who he was expressly not thinking about because of his good mood. It seemed that Bobby caught onto his mood because he frowned. “Athena told me what you two talked about by 

the way kid. I just want you to know and I’m always here to talk, or just keep you company. Whatever you need. We all love you.” 

Buck blinked slowly. “So you,” he swallowed. “You don’t think less of me?” 

Bobby shook his head no firmly. “I could never think less of you kid. I love you too much, you’re family.” He said, and Buck didn’t hesitate to throw himself into Bobby’s arms for a hug. 

“Thank you.” He mumbled awkwardly, as he pulled away. 

“Always, now can you start making the rice and beans for the tacos?” He asked, and Buck grinned. Thankful for the branch away from the conversation. 

+++

When everything for dinner was made, the firehouse smelled amazing. Buck was eager to eat, but he knew he had to wait for Athena to show up. “Smells great cap, are we eating?” Chim asked, walking towards the kitchen. 

“In about two minutes. Athena is bringing by some guests.” Bobby told him, and everyone perked up. 

“Who?” Hen asked. 

“My sisters.” Buck said, and Chim’s face fell. 

“Oh, uh Maddie is dropping by as well. We have some news to share.” He said, and Buck tried to catch his eyes but failed too. 

“Well the more the merrier of course.” Bobby said, ignoring the tension. “Help me set the table?” He asked. 

Eddie and Hen moved to, but Buck walked after Chim who was taking some steps away. “Hey, is everything okay?” He asked, putting a hand on his arm. 

Chim frowned. “You and Maddie still aren’t talking?” He asked, with a frown and Buck nodded slowly. 

“I’ve just been so busy-” he started to lie but Chim cut him off. 

“And Maddie has been treating you like shit. I get it, I just.” He cut himself off running a hand down his face, and it was easy for Buck to see just how tired he looked. “Can you try and talk to her after dinner tonight? I know she’s really going to want to talk to you.” He said, clapping Buck on the arm. 

And well that was confusing. He had figured that Chim was still just firmly seeing Maddie’s side of things. Was it Maddie that changed his mind, or how upset Buck was? He was attempting to keep it from the team as best he could, be they all knew him better than anyone. He wanted to ask Chim if he could please elaborate. 

But he didn’t have time to chase after him again because Athena was breezing into the station with his sisters, and he was left to make the rounds of introductions. Everyone was starting to sit around the table when Maddie walked up the loft steps. She looked around the table with a deep set frown, and then to Buck. 

He felt a flare of anger press up at that. Did she really hate his sisters that much? Or was it just that she was still upset with him for something that wasn’t his fault. He tore his eyes away from hers without any greeting, and he knew it probably hurt her. 

“Hope I’m not interrupting anything?” She asked, and she hovered around Chim instead of taking her normal seat next to him. 

Buck felt bad for making her feel like she was unwelcome, but it was also his job, and he was allowed to have people there even if Maddie didn’t like them. 

“Of course not, you’re always welcome Maddie you know that.” Bobby said with a smile. “These are Buck’s sisters, Emma, Caroline, and Savannah.” 

“We’ve met.” Savannah interrupted, with a rough tone. “It’s nice to see you again Madeline. You’re looking well.” 

Maddie frowned. “Same to you. I don’t think we’ve met, Emma was it? How are you-” she cut herself off looking at the three of them. 

“She’s my wife.” Caroline perked up. 

“Oh, well that’s lovely. It’s nice to meet you.” Maddie said with a bright smile. Buck saw that Emma didn’t quite match it, even though she was smiling. 

“Likewise.” She said. 

Finally Athena noticed the tension, and broke it. “I’m starved. Let’s eat.” 

With that, the weird spell that had fallen over the table broke, and dishes were being passed around so everyone could serve themselves. As soon as everyone's plates were full, Buck felt Eddie drop a hand to his knee. He looked over to see Eddie staring at him with furrowed brows. 

He smiled back in what he hoped was a reassuring way, and Eddie seemed to get it because he moved his hand so they could both eat. Buck let the conversations wash over him, adding to the ones he found interesting. He noticed that Maddie was hardly talking, and he wanted to ask why. But that same part in him that hadn’t wanted to break until she apologized was still there. 

“So Maddie, I hear you and Savannah went to school together?” Athena asked, and all eyes turned to the pair. Buck wasn’t really sure why, because as far as he knew only him and Eddie knew about the tension. But if Chim knew then Hen did, and well he guessed it wasn’t actually that surprising. 

“We did yeah, she was a freshman when I was a senior.” Maddie said, and Buck could see her fake smile plastered on her face. 

“Did you two know that?” Athena asked, and before Maddie could reply Savannah was butting in. 

“Oh she sure did.” She said, stabbing a piece of lettuce while staring at Maddie. 

“Yeah I did. We didn’t really talk much though.” Maddie confirmed, and Sav snorted. 

“Is that why you never told me?” Buck asked, more concerned with the truth of that than he was with ignoring Maddie. 

Maddie looked relieved that he had said anything to her. But before she could reply. Savannah was. “Oh do tell.” 

“Uh yeah, I just didn’t think it was important to mention when you didn’t have a relationship with them anyways.” Maddie offered. 

Buck frowned because he could tell she was lying. “Or maybe it was because you thought I was trailer trash that was going to be a bad influence on your brother?” Savannah offered, with a sharp glare. 

“You took that the wrong way when I said it!” Maddie cried, and Buck felt like he had been slapped. 

“It’s pretty hard to take that the wrong way.” Savannah said cooly. 

“Tom was never a great guy. You knew that when you started seeing him off and on.” Maddie said, turning to Buck. Like she was pleading for him to listen. 

“You never wanted me to in the first place though.” He said awkwardly. “I wanted to get my own opinion of him.” 

“And you did. And I’m great that you got to see him once a week once you got older. I’m happy mom let you.” Maddie said, and he felt sort of out of body. 

“Wait, you still believed that?” He asked. He thought for sure that she knew the extent of his relationship with Tom. The once a week lie his mom had sold, she had to have seen through it. 

“What do you mean believe that? It’s true isn’t it?” She asked, her brow furrowing. 

“Buck pretty much lived with Tom until he went to college. All of us knew that.” Caroline said awkwardly, and Maddie looked like she had been slapped. 

“But-” She snapped her mouth shut, but she was still staring at him like there was something she was missing. Which there was. There always was, but the idea of opening his mouth just to say it made him feel nauseous. This wasn’t the time or place anyways. 

“Maddie and I have some news.” Chim offered, and Buck could tell the guy was just trying to change the subject for everyone. 

“Yeah they do.” Hen said with a snort, and Buck looked at her confused. 

“Well?” Athena prompted. 

“We’re pregnant!” Maddie yelled. 

Buck wasn’t sure if storming away from the table would be excessive but he felt like he had just been slapped. He was going to be an uncle, and she hadn’t even told him? They had clearly told Hen. Sure he knew that he had been distant, but if she had asked him to come over to talk to her, just her. He would have gone. The praises of congratulations washed over him, and he soon felt everyone looking at him. 

He should have said congratulations, but instead. “You didn’t tell me?” 

Maddie frowned. “I told you I had news. I asked you to come over to call mom.” She said sadly. 

Buck felt Eddie put a hand on his back, but he wasn’t soothed. He was mad. “Oh yes, because she’s your family now right. And that’s the compromise? I either get with that program or I don’t get to be your brother anymore.” He snapped. 

He felt everyone staring, but he couldn’t help it. “I never fucking said that. You’re the one acting like knowing our-” 

“Your.” 

“ _ Our  _ parents.” She stressed, glaring at him. “Is like the end of the fucking world. Is it a crime for me to want a family? You clearly went off and found one and didn’t care about leaving me behind.” She accused. 

It was so unlike Maddie to bring their issues to the table. He knew he should have been the one to stand up, get them to walk away. Or just walk away in general. But he was buzzing, the blowout that had been growing between them was finally coming to a head and he couldn’t leave it. 

“So what? I can’t have relationships outside of you? You clearly decided when I was younger than anything not attached to your family wasn’t good enough.” He hissed. He had spent so much time keeping his mouth shut. Letting the worst happen to himself between  _ him,  _ and his own father. But Maddie didn’t seem to extend the same cutorsy. She just wanted to be included, it didn’t matter if she pushed Buck’s other family away from him to do it. 

“Well you sure seemed to replace me as quick as you could. So maybe I was right to be worried.” She hissed back. 

“You’re the one who’s trying to force us back into a happy little family unit. We never were one! You were just too goddamn naive to see that! I’m just happy that you didn’t wreck my chances with the rest of my family.” He felt another hand drop onto his side, and knew it was Athena’s. 

“Oh my fucking god Evan. My dad? That’s what this is all about?” She scoffed. She finally stood, walking over to him, and he stood too. Not allowing him to intimidate him by crowding into his space. “He raised you, you loved him. And now you decided that you hate him and I just have to accept that no questions asked?” 

Athena cut in before Buck could say anything. “Maddie you need to drop that right there.” She warned. 

“What? He’s got everyone on his side on this? What is so fucking bad that everyone gets to know but I don’t?” She yelled. 

“Maddie.” Chim said, putting a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged him off. 

“What is it Evan? Because apparently you seem to think you and I can’t work through this. You don’t trust me enough, but you clearly trust all of them.” She spat. 

Finally he lost it. Like the final string that was holding him together was cut. “ _ All of them know?”  _ He mocked. “Try three people sitting at that table know, and they make up most of the percentage of people who do. Because it’s something I kept under wraps for years because I didn’t want to ruin your perfect little fucking family. But you just can’t let shit go.” He snapped. 

“Oh, my family is  _ perfect?”  _ She spat. “You knew what mom was like growing up. So what if my dad could help make her better. Shouldn’t you have wanted that for her!” 

“I gave that to her!” He cried. 

“Buck.” Eddie said from behind him, but he ignored him. 

“I gave that to her, and you. Because ‘stop being ungrateful Evan.’ ‘He’s a good guy Evan.’ ‘Better than your dad.’ ‘He makes her happy.’” He mocked. 

Maddie stabbed a finger into his chest, but the pain didn’t even register. “He is!” 

“So it didn’t matter then that I asked mom to stop seeing him because he made me uncomfortable right?” He said, and finally Maddie’s face fell. 

“I didn’t-” she started to say. 

“Yeah, you didn’t know. Because I worked my ass off at letting you all have a happy fucking family no matter the cost.” He said, hoping they would be done. 

Maddie couldn’t leave it alone of course. “He treated you like a son. He did everything he could for you when you started to get bad. Maybe he wasn’t your dad, but you don’t have a right to be rude. Once he came back he did everything he could to be there for you.” She said, and he could tell that she was trying to work through it. He knew that, but that numbness was back. 

“Yeah I wouldn’t call what he did to me treating me like a son.” He snorted. 

“He gave you everything! You would come home high off your ass and he would still reward you with gifts and concerts! You’re being fucking ungrateful!” She yelled, and it seemed the anger was back. 

“Yeah, and my actual father beat the shit out of me whenever he drank! I’m more grateful for every single thing Tom did for me than  _ anything  _ Dean” He felt his throat closing up over the name he hadn’t been able to say for so long. “Than anything  _ he  _ ever did.” He screamed, and if it was silent before you could sure as hell hear a pin drop now. 

“Well, I sincerely hope you can get over that. Because they’re coming to visit in two weeks.” Maddie spat out, and he felt everything in him leave his body. Like all of his strings had been cut, he probably wouldn’t have stayed standing if it weren’t for the press of hands he felt on his sides and back from Athena and Eddie. 

“It doesn’t even fucking matter anymore.” He said vacantly. “Because I won’t be around for it. You can have them. Just don’t think I’m going to stick around for it.” 

He hoped that maybe Athena would bar her from bringing them by the station. He knew he couldn’t exactly take all that time off work and just hide in his house, especially not with the time he was taking off to see his sisters. But if Athena had told Bobby, maybe they could make it work for him. He really fucking hoped they would. 

He wasn’t anticipating the smack across the face. It seemed like no one else was either. Because Chim was crying out her name in shock, and everyone else was gasping. “Evan Parker, you tell me right fucking now what happened.” She demanded, and he felt laughter bubbling out of his throat. He knew everyone was probably looking at him like he was crazy, but the pain didn’t even register. The intent behind it surely did however. 

“Or what?” He giggled. “Nothing you can do to me will be worse than what he did. Although you’ve never seemed more like your father until now.” 

“So what, he hit you?” She asked. 

“No Madeline. Not very often, my own father did that. We established that, you remember?” 

He knew he was talking down to her. But that box in the back of his mind still wanted to stay locked up. The 20 years of silence did not want to be undone simply because his sister thought it was okay to slap him in the face. Sure she might have been hormonal from the pregnancy. Sure he had been ignoring her. But the idea that she could even think of doing that to him, it solidified the fact that he had kept it from her. He thought he was protecting her, and maybe he was back then. But if he was honest, he kept his mouth shut after that because he was afraid no one would believe him. And that was scarier than the idea of telling anyone in general. 

“So why did you decide that living with Tom would be better than living with our parents? What are you, some kind of masochist?” 

“You really want to fucking know?” He asked, and he felt the anger starting to seep out of him. 

“Obviously.” She snapped. 

“Fine, but don’t say I didn’t try to keep this from you.” He warned. 

“I’m a big girl Evan I can take it.” She taunted. 

And the anger was right back. “Fine then Madeline. Your father fucking molested me. Is that what you wanted to hear? Does that make you feel better?” He watched her entire face fall. But he pressed on. “Does that make you feel justified?” 

He felt sick. The voice in the back of his head, the one that had been distorted for so long, the one that Maddie had unknowingly broke him by sending it back into full clarity was there taunting him.  _ You want to protect Maddie don’t you? Maddie is your sister, don't you love her? It was supposed to be our little secret.  _ He wanted to rip himself out of his skin, the feeling of ants crawling up and down his body. He knew he was scratching at his arms, but he couldn’t feel it. It wasn’t enough. Everything about Buck’s body felt on edge, in the breath waiting for her to reply. 

“No.” She said, and he prayed that was an answer to his taunts and not a denial. “No, he, he. You would have said something.” She said, and Buck felt everything leave his body once more. 

“I tried, when I was 10.” 

If it was possible, Maddie looked even paler. “No, but.” 

“It started when I was 8. Is that what you want to hear? Do you need the timeline? Every awful detail. Because you don’t believe me and I’m not really sure what making me relieve all of this is going to do to make that happen.” 

“Honey, you don’t need to say anything at all.” Athena said, gently stepping in between him in Maddie. “Let’s take a walk okay?” She asked, and Buck nodded. He allowed her to turn him away from the situation and he refused to meet anyone at the tables eyes. Not willing to see their reaction, to see just how weak they found him. Or worse, the disbelief. 

“I just need-” Maddie called out to him, and he turned to face her. There were tear tracks streaming down her face, and for once she just looked as small and broken as Buck felt. And he was the one who broke her, broke the strongest person he knew. “I just need time.” She finished, and he smiled softly. 

“Well, I’ve had 20 years and it never gets any easier.” He offered, and she gasped. 

“It’s not that-” she shook her head. “I  _ want  _ to believe you.” She promised, rushing forward trying to touch him. 

It surprised him when it wasn’t Athena who held her back but Chim. “Babe, I think maybe you should both take some space with this.” He told her, and when he turned away Buck heard him continue. “ _ Wanting  _ to believe him, it isn’t enough Maddie. And we both know that.” He finished, and Buck let Athena drag him off in the direction of Bobby’s office. 

+++

Eddie’s first instinct was to follow after Athena and Buck, but she peeked back at him and shook her head no gently. And he got it, he really did. But Buck was walking with Athena like he wasn’t even really there, and everything in him just wanted to hold the other man. The other instinct was to scream at Maddie, and he knew if he had to stay with that group, it might actually happen. He wasn’t exactly known for his anger management skills after all. 

He apparently wasn’t first in line though. “I think you should leave before he comes out of that office.” Bobby warned Maddie, who was leaning all of her weight into Chim as they walked back to the table. 

“I-” she started to say, and Eddie frowned. She looked so pitiful. But everything she had just done? Hitting Buck, making him tell her something he was too afraid to tell anyone and then not believing him. He supposed maybe she was pitiful. 

“You just forced him to tell you something. You laid a hand on one of my employees, on my  _ family,”  _ Bobby stressed. It was clear he didn’t think Maddie deserved the title at that moment. “So if you aren’t going to be able to tell him with 100 percent certainty that you believe him when he steps out of those doors, then you need to be out of this building.” 

“I want to believe him!” She cried, looking around the group for help. But it was clear that no one was on her side. Eddie looked beside him to where Savannah, Caroline, and Emma all looked like they wanted to kill Maddie themselves. 

“Just like you ‘wanted to look out for him’ when you told me not to try and bridge a relationship with him?” Savannah asked, stepping into Maddie’s space. Eddie was almost worried for Maddie because the blonde towered over her. “Maybe you should realize that all you have at heart are your own interests.” 

“You know you don’t have to like me. But you don’t get to pretend to be his sister now that you’re here. I practically raised him.” Maddie said, and Savannah laughed. 

“Well then you did a pretty shit job of it if you didn’t know what was going down. I don’t know how Evan turned out to be that amazing when he had family like you laying around.” 

Eddie, despite his anger, knew he had to cut in. “Sav, cool it. This is about Buck, your feud with Maddie can wait. Maddie, Bobby was right. Want to isn’t enough. Just leave, and if I see your fucking father in this station at all? Well let’s just say I don’t mind getting arrested for punching someone else.” 

He put an arm on Savannah who let herself be dragged back slightly to where her other sisters were. Maddie stopped him before he could walk away as well. “So he told you?” She accused. “And you knew, when I asked what was wrong you knew and you just decided not to tell me?” 

“He told me after having a flashback so bad he vomited out everything in his system. I’ve known for about two weeks, and you know what? My first instinct was to believe him, because when have you ever,  _ ever,  _ known Buck to lie about anything important?” 

“He could have told me, he said-he said it had been 20 years. You don’t just, just hold onto that forever.” She tried, and Emma sighed.

“You were a nurse Maddie right?” She asked, and Maddie nodded. “Then I know you took the same psych classes I did, the ones Evan did. So you damn well know that a trauma happening to him that young, and from the sounds of it recurring is something that he would have taken  _ years  _ to process. And what, you think that when he finally did he just owed it to you to tell you? That’s not your information to take.” Emma finished pursing her lips. 

“He’s my dad.” Maddie finally said, but it sounded like any argument against it was gone. 

“And he’s your brother. Now leave.” Bobby said, his tone making it clear that it wasn’t a request. Maddie finally let herself be dragged down the loft stairs by Chim. 

“So what do we do now?” Eddie asked, looking around the table at everyone who seemed unsure of how to fix any of it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...Maddie knows now. Next chapter we'll have a scene with her and Buck one on one where they really get to talk it out. Don't hate me y'all!  
> Thank you so much for being patient and for all the support I've gotten for this story. I love all of you so much, and I am forever grateful for all of you. Please take care of yourselves after this chapter, I know it was heavy.  
> Let me know what you think in the comments as always!  
> National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673  
> National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233  
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Or as always in case of any emergency call 9-1-1.


	8. Can you bring my shoes?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Motherly conversations, sibling pillow forts, and hard talks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!   
> Tw for this chapter: talk of sexual abuse of a minor, mention of rape, mentions of drug and alcohol use, mentions of parental neglect, mentions of domestic abuse, mentions of bipolar disorder, mentions of physical abuse of a minor.  
> There is a lot of crying in this chapter! Some of it was me, just crying while writing it.   
> We finally get that talk- I really hope you all enjoy!

Buck didn’t think he had ever seen Athena this mad, he might have been nervous if he wasn’t so numb. Nervous for Maddie or himself he wasn’t sure, he knew Athena would never hurt him he knew that. But he didn’t really have a great track record when it came to his parents being angry. Not that Athena was his mom- although she sort of was he supposed. He snorted at the idea of that. 

That seemed to get her attention. He had been sitting on the couch in silence for a while so he couldn’t blame her. “You’re a really good mom ‘Thena.” He told her, and watched as some of her anger dissipated. 

“Thank you honey,” was all she said, pressing next to him, running her hand up and down his back in a soothing pattern. No one did stuff like that for him anymore really, he figured Eddie probably would if he asked. But everyone assumed because Buck was big, and a firefighter, or whatever else that he didn’t want to just be held. That he would want to always do the holding. 

“I mean it.” He said firmer, turning to face her. “My mom was never-” he wasn’t sure how to describe it without being rude to her. He didn’t want to be rude to his mother, but it couldn’t be helped he supposed. “She was never really present, not the way she was supposed to be. She was a great friend, but not a great parent. As a kid, and a teenager I ate that shit up, and my other friends thought I was so lucky because my mom was just so, so relaxed about everything I did.” His throat clicked dryly, but he kept going. “But I didn’t want her to be relaxed. I wanted a mom.” 

“I know honey, I know.” Athena told him softly, dragging him closer to her body. 

“And sometimes I wonder, you know? If she didn’t think, if she wasn’t so guilty about giving me her problems, would she have noticed? Would she have thought to look deeper into things? Would she have-” he took a deep breath. “Would she have believed me if I told her?” 

“She should have been a parent, you're right. You deserved someone who parented you no matter how hard it was. Because you are so worth it Buckaroo, and I’m sorry she didn’t see that.” She whispered, and he briefly wondered if she was crying with how thick her voice was. But he couldn’t bring himself to look, to see that he had made her cry. 

“Maddie picked up the slack, you know? She would make breakfast in the mornings, help me get ready for school whenever my mom wasn’t around to do it. She threw herself into supporting me, but. She’s not my mom, she never was.” He wiped absently at the tears streaming down his face. “She would bring her dad around to help out. Because that was the kind of guy my mom deserved. He was  _ nothing  _ like my dad she told me.” He laughed again, this time bitterly. “And she didn’t know just how correct she was.” 

The alarm rang outside, and Buck jammed his fists into his eyes, and then wiped them roughly. “Duty calls I guess.” He said, moving to stand. 

“No honey, you’re gonna sit this one out.” She said, putting a hand out to drag him back down a bit. “Bobby will understand.” 

He nodded, not willing to fight her on the subject. He would normally argue that he could compartmentalize, that he had been doing it for years. But it wasn’t the same this time was it? Therapists had always believed him, Eddie, Athena, and Bobby had as well, no questions asked. But Maddie? Apparently that was someone who drew the line. 

“They’re coming here.” He said in horror, remembering the conversation, if you could even call it that. 

“And none of us will let them come near you. We are all on your side.” She promised him, and he cracked. 

“Not all of you.” 

“Maddie will come around.” She assured, and he frowned. 

“What if she doesn’t? She always thought  _ he  _ was amazing. That he was the best person in the world, our mom wasn’t shit. I wasn’t worth sticking around for at all. But he was the band aid to all her problems. And I just- I took that from her.” His voice cracked around the words, and Athena shushed him. 

She took his face into her hands, making direct eye contact with him. And huh, she apparently was crying. “Evan Buckley you listen to me.” She started, and he nodded. “You did not take anything from her.” 

“But-” 

“She took from you. It was your choice on whether or not to tell her, and she took that from you. It is not your fault. And while I understand why you kept it from her all of these years even if you hadn’t it wouldn’t have been your fault then either.” 

“She loves him.” 

“She feels guilty.” She sighed, frowning deeply. “Whatever she thinks, whatever she believes right now? It’s all clouded by the fact that  _ once  _ she accepts this, she needs to accept the part she had in it.” 

“But she didn’t do it.” He said, feeling stupid. Like he was missing the point. It seemed he was because Athena nodded, but continued. 

“Sure, she wasn’t the person who did it to you. But like you told her, you got your mom to leave him and she brought him back in the house. She thought she was doing what was best for you then, and she has to come to terms to the fact that her actions hurt you so deeply. That it was her who allowed you to get hurt.” She stroked his cheeks with her thumbs. 

“What if-what if she can’t? What if she never believes me?” He asked, and he hated how little he sounded. Like a child. 

Sure he was angry with her, and he had been for days. But he never wanted to actually lose her, he was prepared to do it. Back when he thought he was protecting her still, allowing her to have their family because he couldn’t. It hurt more than anything to know that she was going to keep his mom, keep  _ Dean,  _ all by sacrificing her relationship with Buck on her own. Because she chose to. Because he wasn’t enough. His word, their relationship, wasn’t enough for her to stick by him. 

“Then she is losing the best person in this world, and that is her loss. I know it isn’t the same. I know I’m not your mom-” 

“You are though.” He told her quickly, not thinking. 

He moved to open his mouth again, apologize for those words. However she was dragging him into her arms. “I love you so much kiddo.” She whispered into his ear. “And you have all of us, no matter what okay? We all believe you, and we are all going to be here for you.” 

All of the numbness was gone, and he was now sobbing into her arms. Body shaking with tears. It was all he ever wanted, his family to believe him, accept him no matter what. He just needed to be okay with the fact that it was his chosen family doing so, and not the family he was born with. With people like Athena, Bobby, and Eddie around. He figured it wouldn’t be hard to be okay with it. 

+++

Eddie came back from the call expecting to see an empty fire station, maybe Athena at the most. He wasn’t anticipating for his boyfriend to be sitting on the couch with his sisters trash talking them while playing video games. He caught Athena’s eye who just smiled sadly at him. Bobby beat him to saying anything however. 

“Buck? What are you still doing here kid?” He asked, walking over to where Buck was sitting. Eddie noticed how he didn’t hesitate. He wasn’t treating Buck like he was broken, he was just simply on a fact finding mission. 

It relaxed him slightly. Eddie figured with everything that happened everyone would be weird around Buck, which he would have hated. But so far it seemed normal. After Chim escorted Maddie out of the building Bobby banned them from talking anymore on the subject without Buck there. Told them all it wasn’t right to speak about all of this behind his back when they didn’t have all of the facts. His sisters had all agreed easily and then soon enough they were all running out on a call. 

“I wasn’t sure if I could leave,” Buck started replying awkwardly. “I’m still on shift, I wanted to be around in case you needed me.” 

Bobby smiled, walking over putting a hand on Buck’s shoulder. “Well kid, I’m not going to tell you that you have to go. But if you want to stay I’m not dragging you out on calls.” Eddie winced, waiting for Buck to protest. 

“I understand, I wouldn’t either if I were you.” Buck shrugged, and Eddie noticed he still hadn’t looked at anyone except Bobby. 

“I told him you would be fine if he left, but he didn’t want to listen to me.” Athena said, walking over and pressing a kiss to Bobby’s lips. 

“Go home kiddo.” Bobby said, and Buck nodded turning off the game. Finally he was stood up and walking over to where Eddie, Chim, and Hen were still standing. His sisters following behind him closely. 

“Can we talk?” He asked, looking at the group, before jutting his chin to the table. 

“Of course Buckaroo.” Hen said, walking forward and hugging him before heading to the tables. 

Eddie hung back for a second, and was happy to see that Buck did as well. “Are you okay?” He asked, pressing his hands to Buck’s cheeks, trying to look him over. 

He could tell that he had been crying not too long ago, and he looked exhausted. But overall he didn’t look that bad. If he hadn’t been there for the fight, he may have just assumed that they had a rough call and this was the aftermath. Was this how he hid it all the time? Passing off any of his issues onto work related things? Had he lied before and they all just accepted it because they didn’t know, didn’t care to dig any deeper? 

“I mean no? Not really. But I will be.” Buck promised, and Eddie nodded. He supposed that was the best he could ask for at that point. 

“Do you want me to come over after my shift tomorrow? I know you probably have plans with your sisters but-” he wasn’t sure how to continue. He thought he had gotten along with them really well, but he wasn’t sure if Buck would be okay with him tagging along, butting into their time together. 

Buck however, melted in what looked like relief. “Please?” He asked, and Eddie just nodded once more, before pressing his lips to Buck’s forehead. 

“Of course.” 

“I guess we better go talk to them now.” He gestured to where everyone was sitting around the table a little bit tense. He could tell that Hen had been watching everything, but for once there wouldn’t be any teasing about their closeness. No questions on if they were dating, and he hated that Maddie ruined that for them. He didn’t know he wanted that anticipation of being called out on his relationship until it was gone. 

They walked over to the table, and Buck slid into a seat, Eddie next to him. He grabbed Buck’s hand under the table, holding it tightly while rubbing his thumb back and forth across the back. “So uh-” Buck started, but Hen was cutting in quickly. 

“Before you say anything Buckaroo just know that everybody sitting at this table believes you.” She looked from Buck to Chim, and then spoke again. “ _ Everyone.”  _

“Huh, well I suppose that makes this easier then.” He said with a snort. “I’m not going to say I’m sorry for not telling any of you. Because it was my business, it still is. But I guess I just want to clarify some other things.” 

“No one is upset with you Evan.” Savannah said, and it sounded like she was trying to remind him. He figured that they had probably had this conversation already and were just there as support. 

“Right.” Buck said, but he didn’t sound like he believed her. “One, I’m sorry I didn’t say this before Chim, but congrats on the pregnancy. That’s amazing news. I'm really happy for you.” 

“Thanks brother.” Chim replied, with an easy smile. 

“Sav, Care, and Em aren’t replacing Maddie. In fact just saying that is rude, because they’re three great individuals who are all their own people. Yes they’re my sisters, but they aren’t  _ replacements.”  _ He sighed. 

“We know kiddo.” Hen told him. 

Eddie heard footsteps and saw that Athena was coming to stand behind Buck with her hands on his shoulders. Bobby also slid into a seat at the table. Buck didn’t hesitate to continue even with the added guests. “My mom was- _ is  _ bipolar. It was hard sometimes growing up because of it, but it was harder on Maddie than it was on me. I can’t tell if it’s because she’s older or because I’m also-” he paused, finally tensing a bit. “Also bipolar.” 

“It was hard in different ways sweetheart. Remember what I said, it isn’t a competition and she isn’t more entitled to the hardships.” Athena whispered, and Eddie figured he could only hear her because he was so close. It seemed like she was saying it just for Buck’s ears. 

“I didn’t mean to be such a dick-” He started again, but Eddie cut him off. 

“You reacted to the way she was treating you. You don’t need to apologize for that.” He said, and Caroline nodded. 

“Eddie’s right. You didn’t tell her anything she didn’t ask for, and you didn’t treat her outside the way she treated you. She set the tone for the conversation and you matched it. That is nothing to be sorry for.” She insisted. 

“So I guess we’re at the big stuff then.” Buck said with a frown. “Yes, my dad used to beat me. No, I'm not really bothered by it. He was actually semi decent when he wasn’t drunk but I needed some place to go, and he provided that. No questions asked, even if he didn’t like me all that much. He did let me crash there whenever I needed to get out.” 

“He wasn’t always the worst guy. He just wasn’t the best dad.” Savannah told them, adding onto what Buck was saying. 

“Exactly. As for Maddie’s dad.” He paused, and Eddie squeezed his hand tighter. He wasn’t sure if it was for Buck or himself honestly. Hearing the story the first time was hard enough, the time again at the beach hurt just as much. He knew it was harder for Buck, but he loved him. He hated hearing about the awful things that had happened to him, but he would do it a thousand times if it would lessen the burden on Buck even a little. Buck squeezed his hand back. 

He started speaking again. “I was, I was too young to really understand what was happening when it started.” He shrugged. “I knew what sex  _ was  _ because my mom had a track record of some shitty boyfriend who didn’t care if they were doing it on the couch while her son was home.” Eddie saw Athena’s hands tighten slightly on Buck’s shoulders. “But I didn’t, I didn’t really get it.” 

“You couldn’t have been expected to.” Emma told him gently. 

“So when I was 10, like I said I told my mom I didn’t like him. Maddie had finally moved out for college, so I figured I could say something and she wouldn’t get hurt if I did.” He squeezed Eddie’s hand tighter then, and Eddie could see the tears in the corner of his eyes. “But then Maddie came home for Christmas break sophomore year and decided that mom was doing really badly. And I mean, yeah it sort of was a shitshow. But it didn’t matter to me, because I had everything I needed. I had them.” 

Eddie remembered Buck and Chim talking about their failed Christmas when Maddie rolled back into town. How angry Buck was that Maddie had decided to be done with Christmas all of a sudden, even though he had tried to hard to make it special for her. He did that for everyone, threw the party despite the fact that he was the only one who actually volunteered to work on Christmas day. 

“So come Christmas morning her- her dad was in the house with presents and breakfast.” Buck frowned, and Eddie saw red. He understood now why Buck never celebrated for himself. And why he would be so upset that Doug had ruined Christmas for Maddie. Because she had ruined Christmas for him at the age of 12 but he kept his mouth shut for years for her sake. But she got to throw that work away because it no longer suited her. Eddie had told Buck he thought it was a little weird that he went through the process of making a Christmas card to send to Maddie, and then stopped making them when she came back. He had just shrugged and told him they had served their purpose. 

“Oh.” Chim said, looking sick. Eddie wondered if his mind was going down the same path. 

“By New Years they were back together, and by Valentines day he was back in the house.” Buck said, looking up like he was willing the tears away. “I figured it was too late to try and tell the truth, that it didn’t matter anyways. So I just put up with it, for their sakes.” He laughed dryly. “Clearly I was correct.” 

“Buck,” Eddie whispered, but he just shook his head. 

“So, now you all know.” He smiled, and then looked up at Athena. “Athena has promised me that she won’t let my mom or Dean near the station, but in the chance that they do show up. I would just appreciate it if you didn’t tell them where to find me.” 

“No one is going to kid. I swear to you, and if you’re here and they show up, we can go sit in my office no questions asked.” Bobby said firmly. 

“Thank you.” He said, making direct eye contact with Bobby. “Well I need to get these crazy kids back to their hotel room, but I’ll see you all next shift.” He squeezed Eddie’s hand once more, finally standing. 

“It was so nice to meet you all.” Savannah said, looking around the table. “Athena, I’ll be in touch?” She asked, and Eddie had to wonder what it was about. But Athena just nodded. She then moved over pressing a kiss to Eddie’s cheek, leaning in close to whisper in his ear. “We’ll take good care of him, don't you worry.” 

Eddie just nodded, mouthing a thank you, as she wrapped her arms around Buck’s waist leading him down the steps. Athena took Buck’s place at the table, and Eddie realized they weren’t quite free to go. Not yet at least. 

“He is not broken.” She started, and Eddie was taken aback. 

“Athena-” Chim started, but she held up her hand. 

“That boy is the strongest person I know,” she continued. “But he is dealing with a lot right now, and it’s going to affect him whether he likes it or not. You just need to remember that he is the same person he always was, and treat him the same way you always have.” 

“We will.” Eddie promised. 

“I know  _ you  _ will.” She said, with a small laugh. She looked at Chim directly. “I know she’s your girlfriend, and you’re having a baby together. But-” 

Chim cut her off with a sad look. “Maddie isn’t a topic I’m bringing around work anymore. At least not for a while.” He frowned, looking around at all of them like he was unsure. 

“What is it?” Bobby asked. 

“It’s like she’s not the same person.” Chim said, and he sounded gutted. “I wanted to blame everything that was weird between them on the pregnancy hormones at first. But today? I mean she- she actually hit him.” He sounded horrified, which was a good way to describe the way Eddie felt when it had happened. “I just, that’s not the Maddie I know.” 

“Maddie is struggling right now with a lot of guilt.” Athena said, and Chim nodded slightly. “She’s coping with it poorly, but everything that she’s been working through comes from a place of guilt she doesn’t want to feel. Because feeling it means acknowledging that she went wrong in a lot of places.” 

“But it’s been weeks,” Chim said. 

Eddie cut in this time. “It’s been since Maddie insisted they call home. She’s known something was up, she just couldn’t figure it out.” He frowned thinking of their phone call, “it’s funny you know. She called me to ask if I knew, and promised me they could work it out. That she just needed to know what it was. Look at her now.” He scoffed. 

“Well if her heart was in the right place before maybe she can get it back there,” Bobby offered. No one around the table seemed very convinced though. 

+++

Buck didn’t want to open his eyes in the morning. In fact, if he could have just slept forever, he would have been okay with it. His phone did not seem to give him that same respect because despite the fact that he didn’t set an alarm it couldn’t seem to stop buzzing. A hand came over to slap around for it, hitting him in the process. 

“Evan Buckley’s phone,” Caroline said over the speaker groggily. 

He felt his heart warm, at the fact that she would do something like that for him. He shouldn’t have been surprised at this point though. They told him that he wasn’t about to spend the night alone and came over to his apartment and made a blanket fort with him. Apparently they had all fallen asleep in it at some point. 

“Mhmm, yeah. He’s still asleep, just come over.” She said to whoever was over the phone. 

“Caroline shut up,” Savannah groaned. 

“Shut up Savannah. It’s Eddie,” she whispered harshly. “Yeah, could you also bring coffee?” Caroline asked, and Buck almost grinned. 

“If he brings coffee I’ll love him forever,” Savannah promised, he felt shifting, but she just rolled back over. Pressing into his space a bit. 

“He says he’ll bring the coffee, and that Buck’s love is enough for him.” She laughed lightly. “Yes it did sound that cheesy when you said it. Alright see you soon-oh you have a key? That’s good. We’ll all be in a pile on the floor when you get here.” 

He heard rather than saw the light smacks. “Ow Sav!” Caroline whisper yelled. “I gotta go, this ones beating me.” She finished, and finally she was done with the call. His phone was put wherever, he didn’t really care. He just relaxed again into sleep once more. 

+++

Buck woke up for real when he heard his front door being opened. He shot up, before remembering that he had heard the phone conversation. That and his mother and  _ him  _ wouldn’t be in town for a while. So even if Maddie was coming in, he didn’t need to worry about any more unwanted guests. He took in the sights around him, Savannah was still dead asleep, moving into the space he had just abandoned. Emma was sitting up, scrolling through her phone, her hand in Caroline’s hair. And Caroline was laying with her head in her lap, staring up at her wife with the dopiest smile on her face. 

“Oh hey, you’re awake.” She said, sitting up off of Emma’s lap. 

He could hear Eddie setting things down in the kitchen, before coming by and popping his head into their fort. “Oh, hey.” He said, clearly surprised to see them all up. Well almost all of them. “Thought I might have to wake you.” 

“Nah, Emma wakes up at 7 everyday, even on the weekends.” Caroline said, crawling towards the exit. Emma followed, and so did Buck. 

He hesitated wondering if he should try and wake Savannah, but decided it was best to just let her sleep. She looked exhausted and he wouldn’t blame her if she was, Caroline and Emma had nodded off early the night before but he and Savannah stayed up late trading stories back and forth about their childhoods. About everything they knew about their dad, and the things they missed about Pennsylvania. He knew she was just trying to get his mind off of everything and it worked. He emerged from the fort, and Eddie’s hand was there immediately to help him stand. 

“Hi handsome, you’re here early.” Buck said, pressing himself into Eddie’s body. He wasn’t sure he could call what he was doing a hug, but Eddie seemed to get it because his arms came to wrap around Buck. 

“I came over right after my shift.” He said quietly, and Buck felt bad. He knew just how tiring shifts could be, and he didn’t want to make him more exhausted. 

“You didn’t have to.” He mumbled, but Eddie shrugged. 

He made no move to pull away, probably waiting for Buck’s cue. “I know I didn’t. But I wanted to. Besides, I brought coffee. I’m trying to get on your sisters good sides. Mine already adore you, I’m the one that’s gotta catch up.” He teased, and finally Buck pulled back rolling his eyes. 

“Keep this up and they’re going to like you better than me. I have to run to the bathroom and take my meds but then I’ll be right down.” Buck promised, and Eddie nodded. He walked to the kitchen sitting down at the island jumping right into conversation with Emma and Caroline. 

Buck started walking up towards his bathroom and he felt a warmth sitting in his chest. Sure Eddie may have joked that he needed to get his sisters approval, but it was clear they already approved. If he was being honest they sounded like they approved before they even came down to LA. The review he gave the other man was just that steller. Emma had joked at one point that there was no way he could be that perfect, but after their outing told him she took it back. She had also taken a shine to Christopher, who she was delighted was such a fun kid. Buck was curious if her and Caroline were going to try, but he wasn’t sure how to ask that question. 

After he had brushed his teeth he pulled out his phone to check his messages, and frowned to see that he had a new one from Madde. He was almost afraid to open it alone, but he was more afraid of opening it in front of them if it was bad. He didn’t need them to see him breaking down yet again. He grimaced, and opened the message, preparing for the worst. 

**Maddie: Hi...I don’t really know how to say a lot of what I want to. But you have the day off today right? Is there a way we could talk? I...Evan I’m really sorry, I don’t understand. But I want to, so just please. Text me back? I love you**

He frowned, and walked down the steps as he typed his response. Of course the apology that he had been looking for came too late, and for the wrong things. 

**To Maddie: You can come over at noon**

**To Maddie: Bring my shoes please**

Her reply was almost instant, which shocked him. She was never that great at texting back, which must have meant she was waiting for his reply. 

**Maddie: I’ll be there I promise. With your shoes of course… I love you**

He knew she wanted him to say it back. To be the loving little brother he always was, but he didn’t know if he could. Sure she wanted to understand, and she was sorry. But it didn’t mean she actually did believe him, and the distinction there kept him from typing out another reply. He instead just locked his phone and walked towards the kitchen. 

He stopped short when he heard his name being spoken, and he shouldn’t have. Because eavesdropping was bad, but he was curious. Because as much as they could all tell him they believed him to his face they could have been saying some very different things behind his back, and that fact had him rooted to the spot. 

“I almost envy Evan.” Caroline was saying. And what was that supposed to mean? “I know everyone knows the stats on women and rape, so I mean it’s probably not all that surprising when I say I have been.” 

“I’m sorry.” Eddie told her. 

“It happens, but you know I was so fucked up from it? I lost all of my friends because I just couldn’t fucking cope, and I became this loner. But Evan? He’s just so - so strong. He’s so fucking kind, and outgoing, and it just seems like everything he does comes from some good place. And I just, I envy that.” She finished, and Buck unrooted himself. 

He didn’t care that they would know he was listening, because he needed her to be reassured. “You’re allowed to be fucked up from something like that Care.” He told her, and she looked at him in brief shock. “You’re allowed to decide that the world is some dark and awful place, and be mad at everything and everyone.” 

“He’s right.” Emma whispered, before pressing a kiss to Caroline’s shoulder. 

“I was fucked up for years, with absolutely no direction at all. You’re just coming in at a point where I finally have my life figured out. At least more than I used to. Just like I met all of you at a point where we decided we finally had it all figured out.” He hated thinking of those years, but it was important. To remember where he came from. 

“Thank you.” Was all Caroline said, before thrusting a coffee cup at him. He accepted it without another word pressing it to his lips. 

“Eddie could I possibly ask you a favor?” He started, and he hated asking. But he also knew that he wouldn’t be able to have his talk with Maddie if everyone was sitting around the house. 

“Of course, anything.” Eddie assured. 

“Maddie is coming by here at noon.” He could see Eddie tense up, but he breezed by it. “I was supposed to take us all around in my car. But obviously I can’t. Would you be willing to do it so they can actually meet the itinerary?” He finished. 

He could see that Eddie wanted to say no. Because he knew Eddie, and after the last two disasters he would want to be around for Maddie’s visit. But he also knew that Eddie wanted to get in with his sisters, and so sue him. Buck was playing that to his advantage. He wasn’t expecting for Emma to be the one to betray him. 

“Actually, Care and I were talking and we decided that we should plan another trip down to LA for the summer. Come visit you again and space out the itinerary goals. That way we get to spend some more time actually getting to know  _ you  _ and  _ your LA.  _ Instead of just generic LA.” She was smiling at him, and he faltered unsure of what to do. 

“Plus Athena told Savannah she would take her on a ride along. She’s always wanted to go on one up in Seattle, but didn’t know any cops who were willing. She’s thrilled about it. I figured Em and I could go on a bit of a date today while she did it.” Caroline added. 

“We weren’t expecting for it to work out in timing with Maddie, but last night and this morning we planned it so you could have a day with Eddie.” Emma said with a small frown. “But the point is, we’ll be out of your hair today.” She smiled, and Buck relaxed slightly. 

It spoke volumes about the type of people they were that they figured he would want a day alone with his boyfriend so they were trying to get out of the way. Even though his and Maddie’s fight had seemingly derailed their entire visit, they had just adjusted and moved past it no questions asked. 

“So I guess that’s a no to your favor.” Eddie told him, but then continued quickly. “I’ll take a nap in your bed while she’s here. Once she’s gone you can join me, and then if you want we can go get Chris together.” 

That idea broke him out of his weird cloud of silence. “You know I never say no to the little dude.” He said, knowing it was practically a scripted response at this point. 

“I know,” Eddie replied, smirking. 

“Alright, Emma you go wake sleeping beauty. I’ll text Athena, and we’ll all be out of here within the hour.” Caroline said with a bright smile. 

Emma nodded, although she did roll her eyes at her wife. Probably at the idea that she was the one who needed to wake Savannah. From what Buck could tell she was not an easy riser. “You two can take my car.” He offered. 

Caroline looked ready to protest. “We’ll have my car if we need to go anywhere, and it’s silly to pay for ubers.” Eddie added, and Buck looked at him thankfully. 

“Okay.” She said looking unsure still. “I promise Emma and I are both safe drivers.” 

“Emma is like the worst driver on the planet, what are you talking about?” Savannah asked, coming into the kitchen. She dropped herself over the island and Eddie pressed her coffee into her hands. She looked up at him as if he had just handed her the answer to life itself and everything. 

“Buck is going to let her and I borrow his car for the day.” Caroline said, and Savannah snorted. 

“I’m sorry I take it back then. Emma is the best driver in the whole wide world. You don’t have anything to worry about.” She said, and Emma elbowed her in the ribs. It had to have been hard, judging by the way Savannah winced. 

“What they all mean, is that Caroline is most likely going to be doing all the driving. Thank you for letting us use your car.” She said with a smile at Buck. Then she turned back to Savannah. “And don’t insult my driving you hag, you’re the one that insisted I get a license.” 

Savannah stuck out her tongue. “And I wouldn’t have if I knew just how bad of a driver you would turn out to be.” She was quick enough to jump away before Emma could elbow her again. 

“Enough children.” Caroline said, and they both stopped and looked at her. 

In unison they replied. “Sorry mom.” 

Buck just looked at Eddie who burst out laughing the second their eyes met. It felt like a whole lighter mood, and like the family Buck always wanted. 

+++

It was 11:55 and all Buck could do was stare at his ceiling. Eddie had convinced him to go lie down with him in bed, but the closer they got to Maddie arriving the more nervous he got. What was he supposed to do if she decided his best wasn’t good enough? That despite the fact that he was telling nothing but the truth she didn’t want to believe him. Just how much trauma was he going to have to relive even though in the end it might not work. 

Eddie must have picked up on his tension, because he was rolling over wrapping his arms around Buck’s middle. He pressed a kiss onto Buck’s neck. “Do you want to talk about it?” He offered, but he sounded exhausted. 

Buck shook his head no. “No use, she’ll be here soon. Go to sleep, I’ll come join you when she leaves.” He promised, and Eddie nodded. Before he could roll over though, Buck pressed his lips onto Eddie’s softly. “Thank you.” He whispered. 

“Of course.” Eddie replied, stroking Buck’s cheek. 

With that done, he hoisted himself out of bed and headed down to the kitchen. He figured brewing some coffee couldn’t hurt, and it would at least give him and Maddie something to do while they talked. In his case it would allow him to have something to hold so he wasn’t fidgeting with everything. He knew it was his nervous tic, and he didn’t want her to see it. 

He was confused when there was a knock on the door. He had gotten so used to her and Eddie just letting themselves in that it hurt to know she thought she couldn’t. He walked over to the door and opened it. She thrust his shoes at him, and he took them on instinct. As he walked over to put them where they belonged he figured she could just follow. That he wouldn’t need to actually invite her in. 

He was only half right, because she stepped into the apartment and closed the door, but lingered around it. He sighed. “Coffee is in the kitchen.” 

“Okay cool. Do you still have that-” 

“Hazelnut creamer that you like?” He guessed, and she nodded. “It’s on the door of the fridge. Right where you left it.” 

He had debated throwing it away when he saw it the night before. Figured if she didn’t believe him, she probably wouldn’t be coming by anymore. He never put creamer in his coffee and it would have been stupid to just let it sit there until it went bad. But the second he picked it up, he was back to hoping that he was just being stupid. That she really just did need a bit of time and once she got it they could be normal again. His family was never normal though, so it was probably a stupid hope. He kept it anyway. 

He sat on one of the stools by the island, and when she did the same he finally spoke. “So you said you wanted to talk?” 

She nodded, before blowing on her coffee. She stared at him, like she was waiting for him to start. But he couldn’t, sitting in silence felt better than opening up old wounds. Opening up the box in his mind that apparently wasn’t locked as tight as he always believed it was. Finally she took a sip of her coffee and spoke. “I just don’t understand, Evan.”

He shrugged. “You either do or you don’t, I can’t make you.” 

“Can you just help me a little?” She asked, and it took everything in his power not to scoff. “I mean, you said it’s been 20 years? Why did you never-” she cut herself off but he knew exactly what she was trying to ask. 

“I said I’ve been dealing with it for 20 years. It didn’t stop until 12 years ago, and I didn’t ever fully process it all until I was taking my psych classes in college.” He sighed, staring at the ceiling trying to think of how to word it all. 

Maddie popped up, in the smallest voice however. Interrupting his train of thought. “It went on for eight years?” She shook her head slightly, and he could see tears in her eyes. 

“Off and on yeah.” He confirmed. “It stopped when mom and him broke up when I was 10-” 

“Because you told her to.” She said, and it half sounded like a question so he nodded. “Oh Ev,” she whispered. 

“And then again right after their wedding. I thought maybe it was done for good then you know? That they were married and happy, or maybe I was just too old for him.” He sighed, and willed his voice not to crack despite the thick feeling in his throat as he went on. “I was uh-” he laughed slightly, “I was wrong.” 

“You always seemed okay. I mean we got you diagnosed with bipolar disorder when you were 16, but I thought it was just. You were high all the time, and drinking. But that’s normal teenage stuff.” He cringed at the use of her word we.

It was her and his mother dragging him to therapy after he started staying with Tom. His mom was bitter that he was leaving her, and therapy was her idea of how to fix it all. He hardly told that therapist anything really. Anything he told her about had to do with his childhood, and the way Maddie raised him when his mother couldn’t. She did accuse him of having issues with male authority figures, and she didn’t know how right she was until he turned 18. He barreled into the office that day, telling her he was finally old enough that she couldn’t report back to his mom. Then he had a breakdown about everything  _ he  _ did that lasted so long she had to cancel three appointments. 

“Yeah, I was smoking, and drinking, and crashing on my dad’s couch because it was better than the alternative.” He agreed. “Would it have been better if I was suicidal? Because believe me I weighed and measured whether or not killing myself would be worth it.” 

She gasped. “Don’t say that!” 

“What? You don’t believe me because I was okay, and I’m not allowed to tell you that I really wasn’t. Still not honestly.” 

“That you would have been better off dead. How could you even think that?” She asked, and he rolled his eyes. 

“You’re telling me that when you were with Doug, that you never had a moment where you thought maybe it would be easier if you were gone?” He asked, and she shook her head no. “Right, well you were always stronger than me.” He said, taking a large sip of coffee. 

He looked at her. Staring at her reactions, the way she tensed over Doug, and it was like something broke and clicked all at once. He barreled on in his speech, not giving her time to reply to what he had just said. “And you know the stupid thing? I always believed you about Doug. There was never a moment, where I thought ‘wow Maddie would make this up.’ I saw how hurt you were, and I did everything in my power to be there for you through all of it. I hadn’t spoken to you in three years at that point, but it didn’t matter to me. Because at the root of it, I knew what type of person you were.” He scoffed. “It’s pretty telling that you either don’t know me at all, or your opinion of the type of man I am is pretty low.” 

“That’s not fair Evan! It isn’t-it isn’t the same thing.” She said lowering her volume from her initial yell. 

“Yeah? And why is that? Because from where I’m looking at, those two things compared pretty well.” He leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest staring at her. 

“Because Doug wasn’t family!” She yelled, and then frowned. She reached her hand across the table, waiting for Buck to put his hand in hers but he didn’t. She sighed. “Doug wasn’t. It just isn’t the same.” She said finally. 

“So your defense is that  _ Dean  _ is family. So he deserves the benefit of the doubt?” He asked, disgust lacing his tone. 

“Yes.” She whispered. 

“I think that’s pretty rich coming from you.” He said, and she yanked her hand back. He moved leaning, putting his hands on the table. “You wanna know why?” He asked, and she nodded. “Because  _ he  _ wasn’t my family. He was yours. And on top of all of that, you never gave a shit about ‘family’ when it came to my dad. You always let me know exactly what you thought of him and I had to be okay with it.” He spat. 

“Your dad wasn’t a good person,” she tried defending. 

“Neither was yours!” He screamed, before lowering his volume. “Neither was yours Maddie. But I never wanted to take that from you. Or mom. And I mean speaking of mom, it was never an issue when we badmouthed her. You never had a problem detailing every single one of her flaws. So what makes  _ him  _ so fucking special, huh?” He asked. 

He wasn’t sure what the expression on his face was, and he hated that it betrayed his emotions so often, because he really did need to know. They were standing at what could be the breaking point of their relationship, and he was pretty sure they both knew it, because she walked across the island and hugged him. 

“It wasn’t fair of me. You’re right.” She said, and he felt himself holding his breath. “I thought, god I thought that my dad was always the one solving problems you know? I was still a kid when I brought him around for the first time, and he just stepped up. No adult had done that for me before, they were always expecting me to fix things. But I was only 16, I was still a kid. He was the only one who treated me like one, tried to help out mom and take you off my hands so I could go out, experience life.” 

“So you’re saying I held you back.” He said, and Maddie moved sitting down next to him. 

On her part, he could respect that she didn’t lie. It didn’t make it hurt less though. “In a way you did.” She confirmed, and he looked away from her. Back into his coffee. “It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t mine either. It was just the way the world worked at the time. And I was okay with that, because I love you. But it was nice to-” 

“To not be responsible anymore.” He finished for her, peeking at her out of the corner of his eye. She nodded. 

“When they broke up, I was heartbroken. For a lot of reasons, one of them was because I mean he was my dad. If they were together maybe it meant we didn’t have a broken family.” She smiled at him sadly. “The other reason was you.” Her voice broke around the word. “I thought that he was, he was a good role model for you. And he spent all of that time with you, I thought it meant that he accepted you as his son even though you weren’t. But you’re saying that he was-that he.” 

“Molested me Maddie, say the words.” He urged. 

“And if he did, it meant that I never saw it. Then I brought him back.” She was freely crying now. “I did that to you. I brought him back when you had him sent away. And if it’s true, god Evan how could you ever forgive me for something like that?” 

“I thought I had forgiven you a long time ago Mads.” He said, and she stared at him. Expression open, waiting for him to absolve her of the burden. “But with the way you’re acting right now I honestly don’t know if I made the right choice.” He finished, and her face broke again. 

“Can I ask why?” 

“Because you’re acting like your guilt over the situation is more important than my side of things.” 

“That’s not what I’m trying to do.” She cried, and he frowned. 

“It might not be what you’re  _ trying  _ to do. But it is what you’re doing.” 

“You don’t know how it feels-” 

“I don’t know how it feels?” He asked, mocking. “I lived that life. And if you mean the guilt I ran across the state and stole police evidence after Doug took you. So I sure as fuck do know what that guilt feels like. I just knew being there for you was more important than feeling it.” 

“I never knew that.” 

“You weren’t supposed to.” He frowned, and stared directly into her eyes. “This is it Maddie, either tell me what magic words I can say so you finally say that  _ you  _ believe  _ me.  _ Or leave.” 

She recoiled. “Leave?” She asked, and he nodded. 

“Yes, leave. Because either you believe me or you don’t. But I can’t keep trying to convince you of something you don’t believe. And if you do believe me and you just need something else, to understand I can tell you. But I won’t if it won’t fix things. I won’t relive this all for nothing.” He sighed. “I don’t want to lose you, but it’s honestly up to you at this point.” 

“Why didn’t you tell mom?” She asked after a long pause. 

“Because you had always stressed how much better he was making her. And I didn’t want all of that burden to fall on you again.” He said, and then swallowed thickly. “And I mean, when I was older, because I thought. Maybe she wouldn’t believe me. It had been so long, and everyone was always saying boys don’t get raped. Or they wanted it. And I was pretty tall after a while, I thought she was going to tell me it was my fault.” 

He hated that there were tears streaming down his face, but he couldn’t stop them. It was his biggest source of shame, and he couldn’t stop it from hurting still. Maddie just cradled his face in her hands. “I believe you Evan.” She said, and that was it. He was sobbing, and being pulled into her arms. “And for what it’s worth? I think mom will too. Probably right away too, you always were her baby.” 

He pulled back, shaking his head at her. “No, we aren’t telling mom.” 

“But-” she started, clearly confused. 

“No. And it’s my choice not yours, so you can’t tell her either.” He demanded. 

“But they’re supposed to come up, don’t you- I thought you didn’t want to see him?” 

“I don’t, I’ll keep to my plan to avoid them. You can have them visit, and then they’ll be back home and mom and I can keep avoiding each other forever. It’s fine Maddie. You can have your family.” He told her, and she shook her head no firmly. 

“You’re all the family I ever needed, Evan Parker. And I am sorry it took me so long to tell you that.” 

+++

Eddie woke up, when the bed lightly dipped beside him. He turned, to see Buck with red rimmed eyes looking exhausted. That alone was enough to have him sitting up.   
“You can sleep some more, we don’t need to go get Chris for another hour.” Buck told him quietly, but he shook his head. 

“How did it go?” He asked, barely whispering. 

“She believes me.” Buck said quickly. “It took a bit, but she believes me.” 

“I hate that it took her longer than a second.” He said with bitterness in his tone. Buck just laughed. 

“Believe me, so do I.” Buck shook his head, and turned to Eddie with a grin. “So I have an awfully handsome man in my bed right now. An hour to kill, and no one around. What should I do?” He asked and Eddie swallowed thickly. 

He wanted to kiss him. Maybe see if they could take things to the next level where they had been dancing around. Which was weird for him, and from what he had heard was even weirder for Buck. But he could also see just how tired his boyfriend looked, and just the implication that he would be ready to take things further calmed Eddie from his anxiety about it. 

He smiled then, dragging Buck into his arms. “Cuddle.” He said. 

Buck looked at him, going slightly cross eyed as he did, due to their close proximity. “Cuddle?” He repeated. 

“Yup.” He said, popping the p. “And then we get Chris.” He lowered his voice then, whispering directly in Buck’s ear. “And when your sisters go back to Seattle, and you don’t look dead on your feet. I’ll seduce you.” He finished with a smirk. 

“Is that so?” Buck asked, with a smirk of his own. 

“Uh huh, that is so.” 

Buck put an arm on the side of his neck kissing him deeply for a moment. “Not if I seduce you first.” He challenged before turning so that Eddie was holding him. His body relaxed quickly and it seemed like he was sleeping. 

Eddie wasn’t sure how he had gotten so lucky. To have someone like Buck, who he understood. As much as he loved Shannon he never understood her, and she never understood him. But with Buck it all felt easier. They were on the same page the second the words left Eddie’s mouth, and it was clear Buck understood him too. Sure things weren’t exactly easy in terms of the world around them. But just the two of them alone? Things felt pretty great. 

He settled around Buck, holding him a little tighter, just because he could. And fell back to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It felt nice to finally write the good side of Maddie again there. We'll start to see more of that in the coming chapters. I realize this all took place right after the event, and I couldn't find a way to skip forward without getting all of that out of the way now. Next chapter we'll resume our normal time jumps and such.   
> Thank you all so so much for your comments and reviews. I love talking to you all, so as always let me know what you think of this chap in the comments.   
> Side note about me none of you need to know but I'm sharing anyways- I got a new tattoo! This chapter might have been up a day sooner if it weren't for that, sorry!  
> Anyways so so so much love!   
> National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673  
> National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233  
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Or as always in case of any emergency call 9-1-1.


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